Anatomy of a Prat Fall

In the days of vaudeville, physical comedy was considered funny, and comics would “accidentally-on-purpose” fall for the comic effect. However, falling down is only funny when the person gets back up.

A few years ago, I had a very rough day. I was going to work that morning the same as always. There was a street between the parking garage and the building where I worked that I hated crossing, even though there was a streetlight, a cross walk, and even a pedestrian light.

The local bus station was on that same corner and buses were constantly pulling out and turning right on red. Some of them didn’t seem to know that pedestrians in a cross walk have the right of way, or else they got bonus bucks for hitting people.

The city streets were rough with cracks and patches in the asphalt that you had to walk around while watching for cars that might not stop, buses turning the corner and making sure that the pedestrian walk light was on green.

What this is all leading up to, as you may have guessed from the title, is the prat fall. It was not for the comic effect, believe me. The only good part was that I made it across the street before my grand performance or I probably would not be here to talk about it.

I thought I was being careful, but somehow, I managed to stumble on a crack and before I knew what was happening, the sidewalk was coming up to slap me in the face.

“Yikes,” I thought, as I lay on the sidewalk looking at the concrete. “I’ve fallen down.”

I sat up on the sidewalk and waited for laughter and applause. Crashing with a city sidewalk isn’t funny, apparently, as no one was laughing. My purse and lunch bag had gone one direction and my Big Bubba coffee cup the other. Coffee was running all over the sidewalk – not that I cared about coffee at that point.

When something like this happens in the city, people pretend that they don’t see you. They probably think you are drunk or on drugs and do not want to get involved.

Luckily for me, however, a kind man stopped. I think he was a street person.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I think so,” I replied. I couldn’t half see as my glasses were knocked lopsided. I didn’t know if I could get up or not. Too bad no one made a video. My act would go viral on YouTube.

The man was still standing there. He seemed not to know what to do.

“Would you mind helping me get up?” I asked.

He held out his arm and, I was able to stand up, actually easier than I expected.

“I’m okay,” I lied, picking up my purse and lunch bag. I wondered if he liked my comedy act, but I was too rattled for polite conversation.

“Don’t forget your coffee, mum,” said the man, still trying to be helpful but not knowing how.

I thanked him and went on to my office, where I could set down and check out the damage. I straightened out my lopsided glasses the best I could. One of the lenses was badly scratched from hitting the concrete and I would need new glasses.

I decided I was going to live. If breaking my glasses is the worst thing that happened, I could consider myself lucky.

I called Honey on the phone for sympathy. “Do you need to go the emergency room?” he asked.

“I guess I’m okay.” I said, holding an ice pack on my face, hoping I would not get a black eye.

So, that was my vaudeville routine.

Some people might say that a prat fall is supposed to be done by falling backwards on your bottom, which goes to show, I can’t even fall down the right way.

After that, I decided that I would stick to trying to write humor instead of performing it.

Copyright 2012 Sheila Moss
Edited 2022

Posted in Humor, Work Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Pretty in Pink

“Peasants,” I thought as I looked down on the rest of the world.

It hadn’t been that long since I was in that category myself, but today I was up on my pedicure throne in the nail shop, the lap of luxury, where I was treating myself to a much needed pedicure. I had promised myself this particular episode six months ago and now I was finally collecting.

You see, back last summer I lost a toenail. I won’t go into the gruesome details of what is now ancient history. Suffice it to say, it has been a long road to recovery as toenails grow much slower than fingernails.

My feet were so ugly all summer that I had to keep them hidden in heavy shoes — right after I had purchased several pairs of new summer sandals too. Of all the narcissistic luck.  I tried to cover the offending toe by employing the use of a band-aid. There was no use. My feet were just plain ugly. Ugly feet do absolutely nothing for a woman’s self-esteem.

I counted the days, weeks, months until the faint appearance of the regrowing nail. I had almost decided that it was gone forever, and my toe would be forever naked. When it finally began to grow, I promised myself that I would treat my feet to a professional pedicure when it grew back.

Now, at last, it was time.

“I really needed this,” I said to the lady in the next pedicure chair as I sank back and let my feet soak in the blue waters of the foot spa.

“I usually do my own,” she confessed, “But I felt lazy this time.”

I didn’t go into my personal situation at this point, but just closed by eyes and enjoyed the luxurious soak.

At last, the pedicurist was ready to work on me, trimming, filing, oiling. “Oh my, so this is how the filthy rich live,” I though, as she applied lotion and massaged my feet. I could get used to this.

“You like?” she asked. How did she know?

The best manicure people seem to speak only enough English to get by. And her English was far superior to my non-existent foreign language ability.

Apparently, she was used to non-verbal instructions and customers who use sign language. I pointed to the bright pink polish I had chosen for my nails, the color in my dreams for the past six months.  She nodded.

Quickly and skillfully, she applied the polish, and I was ready for the manicurist’s table. Might as well get the works while I’m here.

The entire process was repeated to my hands, with a few modifications. When finished, I limped to the drying table, taking my time so the wet polish would not get messed up.

At last, I was finished. I rolled down my pants legs, put my shoes back on, and floated out the door.

Every once in a while, I have to kick off my shoes and sneak a peek at my pretty pink toenails, just to be sure they are still there in their rosy glory.

I only wish it was summer so I could wear sandals and show off my toes.

I might splurge and do this again sometime. Now that my feet are in better shape, I could do it myself. But that is for the peasants. Those of us in the temporary social elite prefer to let other do our toes. Let’s just consider it an investment in well-being and mental health.

I just looked and they are still pretty in pink. Everyone deserves an ego trip once in a while.

Copyright 2012 Sheila Moss

Posted in Fashion, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , | 6 Comments

It’s a Social Media World

According to rapidly changing statistics, about 3.9 billion people or 81% of Americans use Facebook. Imagine that 3.9 billion people posting pictures of their cats and telling others where they are, what they are doing, what they are eating, and what kind of day they are having, or wish they were having.

It’s positively mind boggling isn’t it – not only the amount of time we while away, but the amount of useless information we generate. Where does it all go? Probably to a server somewhere in cyberspace that will not even save it after we took time to write it. Sometimes I think that the world could end, and no one would notice until someone posted about it on Facebook.

Reality is no longer real. Virtual reality is more actual than bona fide reality.

In the world of social media, we are known by the comments we LIKE. We can LIKE something without having to give a reason. You like it just because you like it. You don’t have to know why. No logic, no proof, no reasoning, and no supporting evidence – just because.

And if you really like it, you can click SHARE and let all your friends like it too. You can COMMENT if you really must, but if you don’t, it doesn’t matter. The only important thing is how many LIKES a post gets and how many times it is reposted.

Notice that LIKE has become a noun now. We get and give likes. What a world. My high school English teacher is probably better off dead because this would kill her.

We can FRIEND someone if we are interested in what they have to say. Friend is no longer a noun, it is now a verb. Words seem to be getting trickier than ever in the social media world of virtual reality. You can’t even trust parts of speech.

What did we do with our time before Facebook? Well, there were chat boards, emails, newsgroups, and bulletin boards. Remember? There still are, and numerous other social media sites, some also owned by Facebook, or Meta, as they now call themselves.

Business spends millions putting LIKE, SHARE and TWEET buttons on websites to get in on the action. 3.9 billion people can’t be wrong. That number of potential customers have them salivating on the screen.

When I went to my first computer class for Windows 95, (Yes – back in the Dark Ages) the instructor saved email training until last. We eventually found out why. As soon as people started sending email to each other, the class erupted in total chaos. People sent an email and jumped up to run to another computer to see if it arrived. There is something thrilling about electronic communication.

We can FRIEND everyone we know, everyone we have ever known, and everyone we expect to ever know. Does anyone actually have 5000 people they can call friends – other than on social media? Does anyone need 5000 friends reading about their life and likes? Don’t we have enough trivia in our lives to keep us busy without reading the mundane details of someone else’s life?

The answer is apparently “NO!” Would life go on if we didn’t know everything about everything?

Some people have refused to be seduced by social media. They insist on actually interacting face-to-face with each other. Imagine that! These people are technical dinosaurs. They will die off soon and become extinct. We can read about it on Facebook. Don’t worry. We are safe in our virtual world, staying in touch while being out of touch.

It’s a social media world, people. If you enjoyed this article, please LIKE it, better yet, COMMENT on it, and best of all, SHARE it so other people can LIKE it too.

Copyright 2012 Sheila Moss
Updated 2022





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The Winter Storm that Wasn’t

I suppose I should be thankful that we dodged the bullet and did not get the ice storm that hit much of the South from Texas to Kentucky.

I am thankful, but I am not thankful for all the panic created by media and especially TV weather.

They seemed so certain. The ice was coming. It would be here the next day. They even told us the time that it would arrive.

So, what do you do? In spite of the many times weather is predicted incorrectly, can you afford to just ignore the dire predictions and risk getting caught unprepared?

Somehow, I just had a gut feeling that it wasn’t going to happen. But what do my guts know about weather fronts? My arthritic knees are better at predicting weather, but even they cannot be trusted as they sometimes hurt for no reason at all.

Schools were closed for the day. Surely if schools are closed there must be something to it.

We saw all the pictures on TV of what havoc the winter storm was creating elsewhere. It was awful. Roads, trees, power lines coated with a thick layer of ice. Tree limbs cracked and fell behind the TV reporters. Power lines were down; there was no electricity or heat. People were stuck on the highways.

How can you ignore predictions with the weather people jumping up and down, pointing to maps, and screaming that it is coming?

The road crews salted the streets. Surely if they were using the precious salt supply, the ice was coming.

Problem is, we are right on the border of where the weather fronts usually go. We don’t get rain and we don’t get snow. Right on the border is where you get ice. And we remember the big ice storms that we’ve had in the not-that-distant past.

So, people make plans to stay home from work. With the ice, they don’t want to get caught downtown and have to spend hour after hour in traffic trying to get home.

Surely with everyone staying home from work, the ice is coming. We stocked up on bread and milk and snacks. I don’t know why, but it seems to be a southern tradition to stock up on food prior to a big storm. As you can imagine, grocery stores love winter storms.

We watched the weather on TV and on the Internet and braced ourselves for the big storm. We bit our fingernails and worried about whether we would have electricity and whether we would be able to get to work.

We watched and worried. Surely with all the grocery stores sold out of bread and milk, the storm was coming.

At seven o’clock, it started, a wintery mix of rain, sleet, and snow,

At 8:00 it was over.

That’s it? One hour and its over? They have got to be kidding. They closed the school, salted the roads, and created general panic over nothing? Again? What little bit of ice we had melted in two minutes.

Newspapers ran picture of the big ice storms in 94 and 97. They didn’t have anything else to run. TV stations sent reporter north to Kentucky or west to Memphis to report on the ice that fell there. They didn’t have anything here to cover.

And so, we dodged the bullet. I should be glad. I am. It’s not that I’m ungrateful. Maybe prayer and worry work better that weather dances. I don’t know.

And I don’t know what the explanations were for why the weather front went north of us instead of making a direct hit. I didn’t watch TV.

Maybe my guts know more about weather than I thought they did.

Copyright 2009 Sheila Moss
Updated

Posted in Humor, Rants, Weather | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Explaining the Winter Olympics

This is a reblog of an article on the Winter Olympic Games that begin today 6:55 a.m. ET. Except for the players, I doubt there has been much change except a little more hype and a lot more grumbling. I doubt most of us will watch much of it, except for the ice skaters. Prove me wrong.
[NOTE: If full article fails to load, use the search feature to search on “Olympics” or try this link —
https://humorcolumnistblog.com/2018/02/08/explaining-the-winter-olympics/ ]

Sheila Moss's avatarHumor Columnist Blog

daniel-frank-223182 Photo by Daniel Frank on Unsplash

Are you watching the winter Olympics on TV? There are sport disciplines in seven sports and it seems that NBC is determined to cover them all. Medals are up for grabs. We will become intimate with many sports, such as, the luge, half-pipe, and slalom, some of which we try to forget even exist except in the Olympics.

As a public service, I will attempt to explain some of the key events.

First, we will talk about the sliding events. I’m sure there is a skill involved in these sports, but it is difficult to know what it is. Take the luge; please take the luge. This involves lying on a sled and sliding down an ice-covered chute, sort of like a water slide park in winter. Flip the luge over, and you have the skeleton, riders going down the icy chute headfirst at…

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Festival of the Moon

I received an email from China regarding a necklace that I had ordered. “So, sorry,” said the email from Chang. “Cannot ship item for one week. It is National Holiday in China and postal service is closed.”

“That is okay,” I replied, “I will be out of town for a couple weeks anyhow.

“Honey and I had been planning to go on trip with my sister and her husband. If Chang sent the package certified mail, I probably wouldn’t be here to sign for it anyhow.

When you go on a trip with my sister, all you have to do is make the plane reservations and have a place to stay. She knows everything there is to see, has maps and guides, and plans an itinerary. She had also sent me an email saying, “Now that my party is over with, I can concentrate on getting ready for our trip.

She puts a lot of effort into organizing. Her party theme was “A Night to Remember.” Refreshments included star-shaped cookies, and Moon Pies. She recorded background music about the night, the stars and the moon, like “Mr. Sandman” and “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” Guests were asked to wear pajamas.

But getting back to Chan and the Chinese holiday, “What holiday could it be?” I wondered. As it turned out, I didn’t have to worry for long. I didn’t even have to look it up. The stars must have been in alignment because in another amazing coincidence, a friend and fellow writer wrote a column about the holiday.

It is an ancient Chinese tradition called Festival of the Moon. The Chinese celebrate it by setting outside, looking at the moon and eating a special cake called “Moon Cake” that is very expensive and made especially for this occasion.

There is a Chinese legend to explain their odd behavior. Once upon a time long, long ago, a Chinese man saved the world from an attack by firebirds, and a rabbit popped out of a hat and gave him a pill for immortality as a reward.

Being a man, he put off taking the pill, just like he had been putting off doing all the other items on his honey-do list. So his wife gave up and decided she would swallow the pill for him. When he found the pill gone, he became very angry with his wife and said, “To the moon, Alice” or something similar in Chinese. So, Alice flew to the moon where it was rumored there was a rabbit with a pill to replace the one she ate. Unfortunately, rabbits on the moon had only jellybeans.

I hope my readers will forgive me for elaborating the facts of the legend, but what columnist knows how to explain firebirds that are not made by Pontiac and drug-dealing rabbits?

I don’t suppose the Chinese wear their pajamas to the moon festival like my sister did at her party, but it might add to the festivity. I have heard that beautiful silk pajamas are found in China.

I have noticed that the moon is full and bright orange. I do not drink hot tea but like my tea with ice, lemon and a lot of sugar. I hope iced tea will be okay if I decide to celebrate the Festival of the Moon.

I do not have a recipe for the special moon cake that I am supposed to make. We do have an abundance of Moon Pies in the South. Do you suppose it would be okay to use them instead?

If you see me outside in my pajamas drinking sweet tea and eating a Moon Pie, please do not think the drug-dealing rabbit is passing out pills. It will either be one of my sister’s parties, or else I will be celebrating a belated Festival of the Moon.

Copyright 2012 Sheila Moss

Posted in Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

A Jaded Week


I don’t know how to describe it. It is green, greener than spinach, greener than a grass, greener than the eyes of a cat. It is GREEN, as green as jello. Yes, that’s it, jello. The necklace is treated jade that is dyed and heated to intensify the color. The thing almost glows in the dark.

Somehow my mind was drawn to jade. I looked at jade, read about jade, dreamed of jade and envied jade. I think it is because I came across a jade necklace that I bought some time ago, but seldom, if ever, wear because is too green.

If I could add a pretty pendant and maybe break up the green with beads of another color, it might look better. I don’t usually obsess about something as foolish as a piece of costume jewelry, but somehow these beads were calling out for attention.

Jade is an ancient gemstone, treasured by many civilizations, but especially the Chinese. Early civilizations used it to make knives that were stronger than steel. Today we prefer to adorn ourselves with it. Jade is a gemstone of mystery and intrigue.

There are actually two different types of stone that are called jade, but both look similar. We think of jade as green, but it can come in many shades and colors of white, yellow, pink, and red. Old jade was found in China. Today, most of it comes from Burma.

To make my obsession worse, one of my co-workers came in talking about a necklace one of our other colleagues had worn. Did you see that jade necklace she had on? It was red.

Did she say jade? I was green with envy.

Once again I was fixated on jade like a prospector after gold. But I don’t want red jade – my blood is green. I couldn’t wait to go shopping. I fed my craving on eBay. After looking at jade until my eyeballs were avocado, I finally selected an amulet to add to my necklace.

Jade is said to bring fortune and good luck. It seems to only bring me bad luck. I’m spending all my time shopping for it on eBay instead of doing anything useful.

I found out that the red necklace came from Steinmart, of all places. Now I have to go to Steinmart and see what else they have. It couldn’t be quality jade if it came from Steinmart. It was probably heat treated like my unnaturally green necklace. Heating lowers quality but is frequently used to make red jade.

I decided that I wanted untreated jade. I could work over the old green necklace, but I also wanted a new one. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted, but I would know the right necklace when I saw it. While there is nothing wrong with lesser quality jade, treating makes it lose its value as a gemstone.

So, here I am again shopping on eBay for jade. If it can be found anywhere, it is on the Internet. If it isn’t on the Internet, it doesn’t exist. Everything is on the Internet.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, when you look, you find. I found this gorgeous necklace. I tried to pass by it and keep looking, but I kept going back. This was my necklace. I felt the passion. So, I blew my PayPal account balance and ordered the thing. I can’t wait until it comes from China.

I think I’m okay now. My eyeballs are back to normal and I haven’t looked at jade for several days. I do still plan to go to Steinmart this weekend, just to check, of course.

Copyright 2012 Sheila Moss

Posted in Fashion, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Going in Circles

We were trying to drive to Macon, Georgia, for reasons I won’t go into. Notice how things never seem to go right when you are trying to get somewhere? We were only a few miles down the road when Honey remembered he forgot something — then he wasn’t sure.

“Let’s stop and check — NO, not here!” as he started to pull off the side of the Interstate. We would never get back on the highway as fast as the traffic was flowing. We circled the cloverleaf on exit ramps until I was dizzy. Finally, we stopped on the side of a less busy highway, and he found that he had his stuff after all. End of that story.

Did you know you can drive from Nashville to Macon, GA in 4 hours if you set the cruise control on 70 mph and don’t stop to eat or go the bathroom? Neither did I, but I do now.

When we arrived, we were hungry, but couldn’t find anywhere to eat. Our hotel was in town and the restaurants had all closed after lunch. Apparently at 5:00 p.m. in a small town, they roll up the streets and go home. We found out later that we need to eat early and remember to reset our watches to eastern standard time.

Our GPS didn’t seem to work right. Macon has a lot of very strange U turns. Instead of left turns you go past where you want to go and make a U turn. The GPS fell in love with U turns and we were going in circles again. How can you get lost in a place as small as Macon? Finally, we just quit listening to the GPS and used our eyes. I think the GPS is still there somewhere making U turns.

Finally, we found a cute little restaurant that appeared to have the lights on. We had to circle the block and check again to be sure. I looked it up on my smart phone. Where the average price should be, it said $$$$. But I was starving, so we decided to eat there anyhow before they also closed.

Honey was wearing shorts, as usual. “I may not be dressed for an expensive place,” he said. To make matters worse, a man in a suit and a lady in heels shot by us and went in. On the door was a sign, “Proper attire required.” Macon is a city of quaint little shops and southern charm. I couldn’t see a place in a small town with the streets rolled up turning down business, so we went in. They seated us at a table for two and didn’t blink an eye. Guess what? Other people were wearing shorts too.

Later when we got back to the hotel, my computer was still on the restaurant referral page where I had tried to find a restaurant. So, I clicked the review button and gave a review. Did you know I am now a self-proclaimed restaurant critic? My only previous review was a redneck barbecue joint, though.

“Tries to be fancy,” I said. “It is in an old area of town in a refurbished building. The food is very good. (It was.) and very overpriced (no kidding) and the service was very slow. It seems that slowness is a southern thing and expected. Some people actually liked the restaurant and gave it a five-star rating. They really should get out more.

The next morning I would woke up with a splitting headache. It was probably the glass of wine that I had with dinner. I’m not used to drinking wine. I really should get out more.

Copyright 2012 Sheila Moss

Posted in Humor, Southern Humor, Travel | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

The New Doctor

What can you do about an achy-breaky back? I decided to find out this week, but when I called, I found out my doctor was on indefinite medical leave. Seems he injured his back.

Now he gets to see what all his patients have been complaining about all these years. Thank goodness it is a group practice. Who else could see me?

 “Well, if you change to another doctor, you will be a new patient,” warned the receptionist, like I had a choice.

“I’m going on vacation in two weeks. How long will this take?”

“I have one doctor with an opening tomorrow.”

“Sold. I’ll take him. What did you say his name is?” Not a good way to select a new doctor, but he was in the same medical group as my old doctor.

When I looked up his resume on the Internet, I found out he was about 20 times more qualified than for anything I needed. Actually, what I wanted was just a cortisone shot. My old doctor would have run though with a needle and in 5 minutes that would be that.

For the new doctor, however, I had to be evaluated. Evaluation consists of a four-page story of every illness, operation, and medication you have ever had in your entire life, with diagrams.

Thirty minutes later, I was on the X-ray table having my picture made at every possible angle while holding my breath and trying not to fall off the narrow table.

Then it was touch your toes, bend backwards, walk on your heels. If your back isn’t hurting, they will be sure it does.

Finally, I was ready for the doctor to see me.  Naturally, he had to press on my spine until he found the sore spot at which time I screamed loudly enough to empty the waiting room. They always do that for some reason.

“Hum, I can see why you are having pain,” he said, looking at my X-ray and pointing out my degenerated discs, old fractures, and all the other things I didn’t really want to hear about again.

“I don’t think it will require any immediate surgery,” he said. Immediate surgery? I hope not.

“A shot, a shot, can I just get a shot and get out of here?” I thought.

“We could do an MRI and see if any nerves are affected. What do you usually do when you have a flareup?”

“I get a steroid shot.”

“Maybe a back brace would help. Have you tried that?”

No, but I had checked off everything else on the list, injections, pain meds, physical therapy, exercise, chiropractor, massage, and prayer. A brace was the only thing left.

So, I got a shot and was fitted with a huge brace that looks like a backpack.

“You don’t have to wear it at night,” said the nurse. Good thing if I expect to ever sleep again.

I can’t wear this cumbersome thing to work. What will I tell people?    

It’s a parachute in case I get tired of waiting for the elevator.
It’s a harness for a bungee cord. I thought I would do something different at lunch.
It’s a baby carrier. Didn’t I tell you the news?

I thought I would fasten a drop line to it and help the window washers outside.

It seems so boring to say you have a back problem. It is much more interested to say you plan to repel down a building like Spider Man.

It does seem to help my back, though, which is the main thing, I suppose. And I did like the new doctor after all was said and done.

So, pardon me while I put on my backpack. I’m going mountain climbing.

Copyright 2012 Sheila Moss

Posted in Health, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Life is a Bowl of Cherries

“If life is a bowl of cherries, why am I in the pits?” asked humorist Erma Bombeck. I know what she meant, literally.

Every time I open the refrigerator, beady little cherry eyeballs stare up at me. I slam the door quickly. I’ve never liked cherries. In spite of the sweetness, they always seem to have a tart aftertaste to me.

So, why do I have cherries in the fridge? It’s my son’s fault. They probably looked good in the produce section. Unlike the seedless grapes I usually buy, cherries have pits. He remembered this important fact the first time he bit into one.

I need to get rid of them. “Maybe I’ll make a cherry cobbler,” I thought in a domestic moment. I used to bake when had to cook for a growing family. In later years, I’ve grown complacent. Cooking is no longer a challenge, no longer fun like it used to be. Or, maybe I’m simply too lazy.

Regardless, I am determined to get rid of those beady-eyed cherries. “I remember having a recipe somewhere,” I think, flipping pages in the cookbook. On the third flyby I find it, “Magic Peach Cobbler — but you can use any kind of fruit,” it says in the directions.

The first order of business is to cut the cherries in half and remove the pits. Cherry in the bowl, pit in the trash, cherry here, pit there, cha, cha, cha, one cherry at a time. “This could take all day,” I thought, shifting from one foot to the other. Persistence paid off, though, and finally they were finished.

“One and 3/4 cups of fruit,” said the recipe. I knew from experience that a few cherries, more or less, would still work. “Don’t want to waste any,” I thought, looking at my red, cherry-stained fingers.

“One cup flour, one cup sugar, one and 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder and ¾ cup of milk.” I can do this if I can find the baking powder. I found it at the back of the top shelf. As I removed it, a box of chicken bullion cubes tumbled out and fell on the floor. “Where did those come from?”

“Melt one stick of butter.” I will turn on the oven and melt it while I mix the rest of the stuff. I know I have a mixing bowl somewhere. Hope the flour doesn’t have mites in it. I can’t remember the last time I used flour. What’s that hard lump in the flour? Oh, my measuring spoon. I wondered where that went.

“Pour the flour mixture over the melted butter and do not stir.” While I removed the butter from the oven, the spatula fell out of the mixing bowl onto the floor making a gooey mess to clean up.

“Sprinkle the fruit over the top.” I carefully picked out a pit that I missed. Now, “Sprinkle with a cup of sugar.” “I hope I have enough sugar,” I thought, turning the canister upside down and shaking out barely enough.

This thing must have a zillion calories in it. Now I remember why I don’t bake any more. I add some cinnamon whether the recipe has it or not. I want it to smell good baking.

I put it into the oven at 350 degrees and turn unhappily to the sink full of dirty mixing bowls and the spilled sugar. The timer! I forgot the most important part. “Bake for 30 minutes.”

I was barely done cleaning up my mess when the alarm went off. I smelled something burning. Oh, no! I ran to the oven, but the cobbler had only cooked over and juice was burning on the bottom of the oven.

The crust had risen to the top and the fruit was on the bottom. That’s why it is called “magic.”

In spite of spills, dirty oven and being red-handed, I’m no longer in the pits.

Erma would be so proud.

Copyright 2012 Sheila Moss

In case this makes you hungry and you want to try it, this recipe actually works. Just ignore the rest of that stuff.

Posted in Food, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment