Gone to the Dogs

Posted on March 5, 2018 by Sheila Moss
586px-BluetickCoonhound

Blue Tick Coon Dog

Dogs riding in the back of a pick-up truck is a time-honored, southern tradition, and one that humans intend to keep. Never mind that a dog could be thrown out and injured, or a human could have an accident trying to avoid hitting a flying dog after the truck swerves suddenly.

The idea of not being able to haul their dog around in their own truck has humans in a dither, especially since they’ve been doing it for years. Keeping a dog in a cage or putting it in the cab is not the same thing as letting it run and leap into the truck with ears flying in the wind and dirt flying in the eyes. “Dogs like it,” they say. Never mind that dogs, like children, are not capable of knowing what’s in their own best interest.

Only a few states have laws against dogs riding on the outside of a vehicle.
These are in New England and on the West Coast. That figures. Any good ol’ boy knows that he can’t trust a Yankee and that California is full of weird folks who live out there because they can’t fit in anywhere else.

The humans that usually become the most upset about dog protection laws are coon hunters. “Today it’s the yard dogs – tomorrow the coon dogs,” they say. As you may know, humans hunt coons by driving around back roads in a truck until the scent dog gets a sniff of coon. Then the tree dogs are released and the chase is on till a coon is treed. Specially trained, coon-hunting dogs are high dollar dogs costing $1,000 to $12,000 each. For that kind of money, you’d think hunters could climb up a tree and shake the coon out personally instead of just chasing it. Obviously, humans who run around in the dark chasing after coons with a pack of dogs cannot be overly bright.

Humans believe this law is just another example of government sticking its nose into something that’s none of its business. They say animal activists, who know nothing about outdoor sports, and “bleeding hearts” that feel sorry for racoons are influencing lawmakers. Actually, coon hunting has evolved into a state of the art sport, and killing the coon isn’t necessary. The sport is the competition of one dog with another to see which can sniff out a coon and which can tree one the best without getting sidetracked by possums, foxes who don’t climb trees but run forever, or skunks who fight back. It’s not the killing; it’s the thrill of the chase that matters.

And so it goes. Dogs remain unprotected and are allowed to ride in open vehicles unrestrained without benefit of kennel cage or harness. Not only hunting dogs, but also yard dogs and pets can ride in trucks without any fear – at least of the law. Some good ol’ boys say that a dog in the back of a truck is the best burglar alarm there is, a point hard to argue with, but that doesn’t mean they have to ride there.

The love affair between human and animal is a long one. They not only work and hunt for humans, but are pets and companions as well. Dogs are valued for their loyalty and unconditional devotion to their human. They have long been called “man’s best friend”. It seems that we would want to take better care of our best friends, doesn’t it?

Copyright 2004 Sheila Moss
Posted in Creatures, Humor, Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

The Fashion Makeover

Posted on March 2, 2018 by Sheila Moss

jeansIn view of the fact that so many of ya’ll from up north are moving south, we thought we would bring in some experts on southern lifestyle to give you a makeover and help you adjust to our way of life. Many Yankees are pitifully deficient in know how due to being culturally deprived of southern customs. It’s never too late, however — at least we hope not.

Our expert fashion advisor is Billy Bob Johnson, manager of the Military Surplus and Sporting Goods store. According to Billy Bob, it takes little to be in style in the South. If you have a pair of faded jeans and couple T-shirts, you’re already halfway there. The well-dressed good old boy wouldn’t be caught dead without a selection of ball caps, worn for both everyday and special occasions. You may also want a cowboy hat for Sunday and a pair of genuine leather cowboy boots for fancy occasions. Add a camouflage outfit for hunting or fishing and you’ve got it covered.

The local barber, Earl Ray Goodson, who learned to cut hair in the prison barber school, has agreed to coach us in personal grooming. He says to pitch out all that cologne and stinky stuff you have. You don’t need it. For nights out on the town, a splash of Old Spice aftershave is the finishing touch. If your skin’s a bit rough from the wind and your neck a bit red from the sun, that adds to your he-man image. Take off your hat long enough to get a haircut once in a while, though, to help Earl Ray out. He can also trim your sideburns.

Our home decorator is Jimmy Joe Leatherman of J.J.’s Used Furniture and Vintage Junk store. Never pay full price.  J.J. can sell it to you cheaper. A table and chairs, a bed, and a television set pretty much cover the basics. If you want to get real fancy, J.J. can get you one of those plastic recliner chairs. Of course, you need a refrigerator for your beer and a stove for frying up bacon. J.J.’s Dinged, Dented and Damaged Appliances store is just next door.

Our culinary expert is Darrell Dickinson from Darrell’s Truck Stop which features home cooked meals every day of the week for the finest in foodstuff . We fry it, roast it, barbeque it and use the grease in our vegetables. The South is famous for it’s victuals: fried chicken and biscuits, catfish and hushpuppies, and pulled pork barbecue on cornbread. We also have turnip greens, black-eyed peas, hominy, fried green tomatoes and fried okra or squash. Unique food is part of what makes the South such an outstanding place to live. So, get yourself an iron frying pan and start saving your bacon grease.

Our expert on southern culture is Johnny Ray Wallace at the local discount mart where you can find a wide selection of country music DVD’s as well as southern movie classics. We know you work hard, so buy a DVD at Johnny Ray’s for your relaxation and entertainment. In your leisure time, there are numerous other activities, such as auto racing and high-school football, but Johnny Ray suggests fishing for recreation on a budget. If you need a guide, his cousin is available at a reasonable fee. For a night out, he suggests two-step lessons down at the Stomping Steer Saloon. He can sell you discount tickets cheaper than they are at the door.

Now, that’s what we call living “high on the hog.” No wonder there’s so many Yankees descending on us. And if you don’t like living the southern lifestyle, just rev up the engine on your pickup and head back north, cause down here it’s our way or the highway, if you get our drift.

Copyright 2004 Sheila Moss
Posted in Fashion, Humor, Southern Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

HumorScope for Today

Posted on February 25, 2018 by Sheila Moss

moon

What’s in the stars for today? While we admit our zodiac is bit cracked, we have nevertheless consulted the stars to deliver a personalized astrological prediction just for the readers of this blog.

Any resemblance to an actual horoscope reading is purely coincidental, and we will not be responsible for accidents or incidents based on our celestial satire.

AIRES – Your adventurous spirit will take you down many roads, mainly because you will not stop to ask for directions. You will probably never get to where you are going, but at least you can say, “I did it my way.”

TAURUS – As your sign suggests, you are full of bull and often show it by leaving the herd to buy lottery tickets. You are concerned with money and material things, which is probably why you have a mailbox full of junk mail at home.

GEMINI – You rely on your instincts, which is a good thing, unless you are acting on your instincts in public. Although you are willing to negotiate with the police officer, you have learned to accept your ticket with a smile and exit quickly at the first opportunity.

CANCER – You are sensitive and caring and always try to help people, even when they don’t want to be helped. Since that’s the way they want to be, just concentrate on your own career. Use your shrewdness to get ahead and then you can say, “I told you so!” with a clean conscience.

LEO – You want to be the center of attention and sometimes act as if you have a male enhancement patch on your ego. Try to talk about something other than yourself, if possible, and your friends may forgive you.

VIRGO – You are so efficient that you fold your underwear, reorganize the closet and make the bed twice, and that’s just before breakfast. Use your energy on things that matter and you will go further in life, even though you will be wearing wrinkled underwear when you get there.

LIBRA – You try to keep your life in balance – 20 percent fun, 10 percent study, 20 percent play, 20 percent work, 10 percent commute, 10 percent making excuses, and 10 percent using your charm to get someone else to balance it for you.

SCORPIO – It’s the same story, over and over, and it’s always about you.. Tell us a new story before we begin to think you are senile. Of course, it’s hard to change. Yes, it is hard to change. We know it’s hard to change. You’ve already told us, remember?

SAGITTARIUS – Generous and good-natured, you will give away the shirt off your back. Try to be a bit more rational, a little less overly generous, and go buy yourself a new shirt. Yes, light blue will be fine. Thank you for asking.

CAPRICORN – They have a name for people who work too hard – workaholic. Get out of the rut you have put yourself in and take a little time for romance. And don’t work so hard at being romantic that you become obsessed. There might be a word for that too.

AQUARIUS – Always looking to the future, planning ahead – try to live in the present for a change. Let your insurance agent take care of your future. Oh, you are an insurance agent? It that case, don’t let me interrupt.

PISCES – You are a loving and overly caring person. Don’t let people take advantage of your good nature. (Present company excepted.) Would you hand me the remote control? A pillow would be nice, and would you mind rubbing my back?

For an even more personalized reading, hit your head with a hammer and read the stars for yourself.

That will be $20 please.

Copyright 2003 Sheila Moss
Posted in Crafts/Hobbies, Humor | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Something’s Fishy Here

Posted on February 18, 2018 by Sheila Moss

fishHave you heard about the hottest new pet to hit the market? It’s called the ElvisFish. Who would think people would get so excited over a tropical fish? But, this is not just any old fish. It’s a fish that does not occur in nature, and it GLOWS neon blue when exposed to rock music.

The reason it glows is what is making it news. It has been genetically altered! A gene from an old Elvis costume was transplanted into the egg of a fish to make it glow. Amazingly, after being genetically altered, the fish can reproduce and have baby El- Fishes.

Welcome to the future.

People often get bent out of shape over genetic engineering. “It just isn’t natural,” they say. But it isn’t as if biotechnology is a new thing. Plants have been genetically altered for ages to improve food products. So what’s wrong with a having a pet fish that glows and wiggles like Elvis?

The same researcher that developed the ElvisFish previously developed the genetically altered Jackson-Salmon. It was not received well because the fish attempted to mate with baby fish. If introduced into natural water, who knows what sort of unnatural creatures might be produced, or what hideous damage to the environment we might evoke?

People have always been a bit leery of scientific creatures that could not naturally occur. We envision a science fiction “Frankenfish” and imagine the worse possible consequences. After all, it is a scary thing when a mutant fish can imitate a mutant rock star.  We never seem to think of the possible positive results from genetic engineering, such as cures for diseases like Britany fever and Madonna syndrome.

Although it is not widely known, animals actually have been genetically altered for research purposes for many years. But the most of the genetically altered creatures are rarely seen by anyone other than scientists, even though we often wonder about some of the rock music stars.

The ElvisFish will soon be available in pet stores nationwide and virtually anyone can have one. Eventually, they will come in a variety of glow-in-the-dark, lava lamp colors.

Could these ElvisFish mix with native fish and contaminate the environment? It’s not likely since they are aquarium fish that could not survive in the wild without their prescription drugs. And even if they did survive against all odds, they would not be dangerous to the environment according to the developers.

Actually, the fish were first developed to glow as a signal that illegal music is being downloaded over the Internet. It was only later that the idea of selling them as pets for the amusement of humans occurred.

Most glowing fish occur naturally as marine creatures in the depths of the ocean where there is no light. These ocean creatures are bioluminous, which means chemicals in their body mix naturally to create a glow, enabling them to see prey and find mates. The new species is luminescent in a different way. It is a fresh water species that virtually absorbs energy from being in the spotlight and re-emits it any time rock music is played.

Probably you are already thinking how neat it would be to have a glowing, wriggling, blue neon ElvisFish for your aquarium? Well, you are not the only one. People seem to be very interested in being among the first to have these unusual pets, especially teenagers.

What’s next? Coming soon to southern aquariums will be the yellow, glowing DixieFish, which is now being developed by researchers in Nashville. It is expected to dominate the redneck fish market since it will be genetically engineered to two-step and glow only to the sound of country music.

Copyright 2003 Sheila Moss

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Okay, okay, this is a parody and I may have stretched facts a wee bit. But you were warned that there is something fishy here.

 

Posted in Creatures, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Pajama Mania

Posted on February 15, 2018 by Sheila Moss

pj

When it comes to teenagers, nothing should shock us any more, especially when it comes to fashion fads. This is why I was surprised to learn that teenage girls wearing pajamas to school in the suburbs is a shocking fashion trend. It’s hard to believe that educators, worried about moral values, are getting bent out of shape over this silly infraction of “The Rules” and are cracking the dress code whip.

It seems the same trend swept the entire country. Like most fads, it came and went in some areas before it was even discovered in others. “That trend is so last semester,” one parent told me. In conservative Tennessee, we apparently are eons behind the rest of the fashion world. The fad most likely started when someone was too lazy to get dressed in the morning.

Pajama pants are usually cotton or flannel with elastic waistbands for comfort, and are mostly worn with t-shirts or sweatshirts. They come in a variety of colorful prints and plaids and are being sold as lounge wear in trendy shops that cater to teen tastes, as well as being mass marketed in discount stores.

Exactly how this all contributes to the moral decay of youth, I’m not exactly sure. It seems to me that a soft pair of comfortable pants would look better than the sea of faded denim that is usually seen at high schools. I suppose it’s simply the idea of nightwear being treated as daytime attire.

After nose rings, tongue jewelry, spiked hair and tattoos, there isn’t much shock value left for mere pajamas as far as I’m concerned. They seem almost like a return to an age of innocence.

Most parents don’t seem too concerned about attire until the kids get into trouble at school. One mother from another part of the country told me, “I had to leave work Monday to pick up my kid because he had shorts on. It was almost eighty degrees! So, the pajama bottom business is strictly verboten here.”

Dress codes have traditionally not addressed the issue of sleepwear in public, so it is pretty much an area wide open for interpretation. While some educators continue to demand that kids dress appropriately, according to their definition, others educators have given up the fight saying they are tired of spending more time worrying about how the kids dress than how they learn.

Some educators believe they need to prepare kids for the “real world” where they will be expected to dress in a businesslike manner. Of course, in the real world the high tech computer types rule these days. They can pretty much dress any way they want, and it is allowed because we need their expertise to run our information systems.

The times they are a-changing. One mother said, “For the record, I’m 37 years old and I have two pairs of pajamas I wear as pants.” Pajamas are not just for sleeping anymore. Who knows, in a few years the teachers may be wearing pajama bottoms to school if things keep going the way they are.

And here I am without even one single pair of pajama pants. I feel so “last semester.”

Copyright 2005 Sheila Moss
Posted in Humor | 11 Comments

Explaining the Winter Olympics

Posted on February 8, 2018 by Sheila Moss

Are you watching the winter Olympics on TV? There are sport disciplines in seven sports and it seems that NBC is determined to cover them all. Medals are up for grabs. We will become intimate with many sports, such as, the luge, half-pipe, and slalom, some of which we try to forget even exist except in the Olympics.

As a public service, I will attempt to explain some of the key events.

First, we will talk about the sliding events. I’m sure there is a skill involved in these sports, but it is difficult to know what it is. Take the luge; please take the luge. This involves lying on a sled and sliding down an ice-covered chute, sort of like a water slide park in winter. Flip the luge over, and you have the skeleton, riders going down the icy chute headfirst at speeds of 80-90 mph. Those who survive win a medal and a free brain surgery.

Then there is the bobsledding (a.k.a bobsleighing) event. Bobsledding is an unending, night after night competition. First is two-man, then four-man, then six-man and eight-man, bobsledding backwards, bobsledding upside down, and freestyle bobsledding where bobsleds slide off a steep ramp and turn flips in the air. Bobsled dancing is coming soon.

One of the most popular sports at the winter of Olympics is skiing. Freestyle skiing has five subdivisions: mogul, arial, ski cross, half-pipe and slope style, known informally as bumps, jumps, thumps, stunts, and lumps. In addition, there is downhill skiing called the slalom, which is a Norwegian word for zigzag, not to be confused with the Jewish word shalom.

Cross-country skiing is self-explanatory. When combined with rifle shooting, it becomes the biathlon. There is no triathlon, quadathlon, pentathlon, hexathlon, decathlon, polyathlon or other-athlon, probably because so many guns in the hands of losers could turn into an act of terrorism.

Snowboarding repeats all the events in freestyle skiing on a skateboard without wheels. It still resembles the local skateboard park. Give these long-haired, droopy-drawers wheels, and there is no telling how many medals they could stack up for the US while still managing to hold up their pants by snowboarding upside down.

Skating events are diverse and include hockey and speed skating. Speed skating requires you to be able to skate with one hand behind your back while dressed in rubber diving suit. Hockey is only interesting as long as your team can cheat better and more than the teams of other countries.

The oldest Olympic sport is figure skating. Figure skaters must be able to twirl round and round with one foot over their head without getting dizzy, falling down, having a wardrobe malfunction, or tripping over bouquets of flowers. The skaters must not only be technically perfect, but they must also be graceful and beautiful. Skaters dress in glittery, designer skate dresses and glue rhinestones on their eyelids. Judging is done by a point system so complicated not even the judges understand it, leading to much controversy over why the Russians always win.

Olympic sports coverage is not complete without the Scottish sport called curling. It has nothing to with styling hair but is about sliding rocks across the ice. The team’s housekeepers sweep the ice with brooms to keep the rocks from getting dirty, making it one of the cleanest sports in the Olympics. I would explain more, except no one except Scots and Canadians really understand it.

So, that’s the gist of the Olympic Games, except for counting the medals awarded to the athletes with the most sunburned noses and flowers. By the way, the gold and silver medals are both silver, but the gold one tastes better when bitten.

Copyright 2014 Sheila Moss
Updated
Posted in Humor, News & Current Events, Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

High, Higher, Highest

Posted on February 4, 2018 by Sheila Moss

gas stationI am not going to write a column on the high price of gasoline! Who cares what the price of gasoline is? Well, my honey cares. Every time we drive past the corner station, he complains. “Look at that!”

“What?” I reply, feigning interest.

“Look at those prices! It’s two cents more than yesterday! I’d better fill up before it goes up again.” Funny, I always think that it might go down, which shows how little I know about economic matters.

I know prices must be bad when all the papers say so. I use super premium, so the price sounds about right to me. Of course, super premium will be even higher now too. In our area the gas price is below the national average. We should be happy, shouldn’t we?

And then, there is the way the economists attempt to explain it. “The price of crude oil remains high per barrel.” Wait! REMAINS high? That means it was high already, doesn’t it? So, that doesn’t explain the sudden increase. If it was already high and remains high, the price should be the same, shouldn’t it? I suppose I just don’t understand economics.

Okay, then it was a blackout somewhere that affected production in some refineries. Huh? I might buy that one if a blackout was still going on. How long did it last, two or three days? So, if production was affected for only two or three days, stands to reason to me that prices would only be affected for two to three days. Obviously, I really don’t understand economics.

Well, how about this one: A pipeline broke decreasing the amount of crude oil available. Because they do not have enough oil in one state, they pull from the available resources elsewhere, which makes the supply lower everywhere – or so the story goes. We don’t have enough crude oil to maintain an adequate supply? It must cost more because there is less? That’s the law of economics. But we have pipeline breaks, and refinery fires every once in a while. Couldn’t they factor that in? Some state must be using a heck of a lot of gas if they deplete the whole country when a pipeline breaks.

Finally, the economists blame it on holidays and the greater demand. When people want something, they are willing to pay more. People are not conserving and people are not staying at home. It’s the law of supply and demand again, also known as the law of greed to those of us who don’t understand economics. The more we need something, the more we can be gouged is the way it looks to me.

Yes, I know the price of gasoline affects the transportation of goods and this loss of revenue is eventually passed on to the consumer in the form of higher prices. Why did you have to bring that up? Anyhow, after the holiday is over, the demand is expected to go down and so will the price. But, six months from now the price of food will go up in the supermarket and economists will say, “It’s because of the high gas prices last August.”

The conclusion seems to be stay at home and not buy the overpriced gas.

And that’s why I’m not going to write a column about the price of gasoline. You won’t listen to me anyhow. So, quit grumbling, pay their inflated price, and you will hardly notice the difference. It’s only an extra two or three dollars per tank.

When the price of goods goes up, blame it on economics instead of greed. And don’t expect me to write a column about that either!

Copyright 2003 Sheila Moss
Edited
Posted in Automotive, Humor, Rants | Tagged , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

It’s a Dirty Business

Posted on February 1, 2018 by Sheila Moss

old truck

It seemed like a good idea when we bought our home in a distant suburb. Plenty of space, no rubbing elbows with neighbors, peace and quiet, fresh country air. That was before I found out about septic tanks. I’ve been dealing with the distasteful business known by non-urban dwellers as “pumping the septic tank.”

For you city slickers who don’t have the faintest idea what I’m talking about, a septic tank is sort of the modern replacement for the outhouse, an individual sewer system for homes that are not on a city sewer system. Periodically, the realities of country living catch up and it is time for the unavoidable chore of getting it cleaned.

The first step is finding a septic service that will answer the phone. Like service people of any sort, they have more business than they need and don’t care whether they get any calls or not. After repeated attempts, however, someone finally picks up the phone. I can almost smell the smell through the phone wire.

Darrell and Darrell from the old Bob Newhart show operated the service I picked. I don’t know why, but it seems to be a family sort of business. They try to be professional asking the usual questions: “How long has it been?” THAT LONG? “How old is the house?” THAT OLD? “How many people?” THAT MANY? I could hear the price going up.

Apparently, Darrell is not good with directions; or else he is in shock over my answers to his questions. He put the other Darrell on the phone. I gave him directions while he repeated them back to the first Darrell. My house is not hard to find, but somehow I knew already that they would get lost.

“We can come right now,” he said, “We’ll be in the area anyhow.”

“Right now? But, I’m at work. Can you come tomorrow?”

“Okay, how early?” We discussed the time I get up, the time I usually leave for work, and finally decided on 7 a.m. That would be great. I could take care of the dirty business and go on to work. I forgot about the Golden Rule of all service people: “Never Show up On Time.”

Sure enough, the next morning I’m ready and sitting by the phone at 7 a.m. It rings. I figured they were lost. Wrong — it’s worse! “We are running a little late.” What a surprise. “We will be leaving in about 15 minutes, right, Darrell?”

Leaving? You are supposed to be arriving! I dared not complain as they perform a vital, if distasteful, service. Darrell went on to tell me about the clutch going out in the truck, how they were getting it fixed, how the repair shop was running late. “We will pick up the truck and be right there.” I could hear the other Darrell agreeing in the background.

Good grief! Why didn’t they tell me yesterday that there was a problem with the truck? “Okay, I’ll be waiting.” I sprayed the phone with Lysol to get rid of the smell, and called work to say I would be late. At 8:30 the phone rings again. They are lost. They took the wrong exit off the Interstate. I can’t stand it.

Finally, they show up and after much mumbling, head scratching, and digging, the tank is found and the foul deed is done. They call me out to inspect the work, as if anything could possibly matter to me more than the smell. After a nauseating look, I praise their excellent work, then go inside and spray myself allover with Lysol.

Finally, they were finished and drove away. The neighbors waved a grateful goodbye from a respectful distance, and the flies returned to the trash can. I may never get the smell out of my nose. However, I guess to those that make a living with that sort business, it must smell like money.

Pardon me now while I gag, take a bath, and spray this column with Lysol.

Copyright 2003 Sheila Moss
Posted in Environment, Health, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Cat Tale

Posted on January 28, 2018 by Sheila Moss
jag

Photo by Cel Lisboa on Unsplash

Some people have to go to the wilds of the woods, explore nature trails, or go on camping trips to encounter wild animals. Around my place, we need go no further than the back door.

Last week, two neighborhood cats were fighting in the backyard, most likely in an undeclared territorial dispute of some sort. Instead of taking the sensible approach of either just letting them fight, or swatting them with a broom, my daughter tried to separate them manually. I can only wonder if she has been brainwashed by watching too many Garfield cartoons on television.

Needless to say, these cats didn’t welcome her involvement in their business, and a big yellow tabby bit her hand as a reward for her unwanted intrusion. It didn’t seem all that bad at the time, and she only screamed loud enough to be heard in two or three of the surrounding counties.

I supposed if I had known, I might have suggested something less fierce than a domestic housecat, like a brown bear or a mountain lion, perhaps.

“Why did you get involved in a catfight?”

“Our cat doesn’t have any claws and I thought the other cat would kill her!”

Nobel thought, but foolish action. As it turns out, it was not even our cat, but a similar cat from the neighborhood. I never thought I would be the mother of a daughter who would disturb the balance of nature by interfering in the process of natural selection and survival of the fittest.

She looked up the neighbor who owned the cat to be sure it had been vaccinated. Of course, the owner felt badly, but probably wondered like every one else, why she became involved in a catfight. “That cat is always giving me trouble,” he declared, making us wonder why he had never noticed that the animal is practically a small jaguar.

By the next day the hand was swollen and an angry red, obviously infected. After two trips to the doctor for antibiotic shots and enough oral medication to shrink my pocketbook into a small change purse, her hand looked worse than ever.

“I’m putting you in the hospital,” the doctor told her, in spite of her gripping the treatment table and begging not to go – until he pointed to the streaks starting to go up her arm.

Who would have suspected that a domestic cat is one of the worse possible animals to be bitten by? Their mouth contains an enzyme of some sort that frequently creates an infection, especially on deep puncture wounds. The saliva carries infectious bacteria with ominous names like pasteurella and staph. And I always thought they were sweet, purring little fur balls.

When I tell people that my daughter is in a hospital because she was involved in a catfight, they invariably think that she was fighting with another woman. No one seems to think of real cats, the kind with fur and whiskers, as being capable of severe injury.

Being the tenderhearted sort, my daughter forgave the cat, which was after all, only defending itself, she asserted. After three days in the hospital receiving antibiotics intravenously and suffering a considerable amount of pain, she felt a bit less generous toward her feline friend. However, I believe she was delirious when she was talking about making cat dumplings.

Anyhow, the swelling finally subsided, and the doctor allowed her to come home. Our cat has no idea that my daughter was gravely injured trying to defend her.

And so, life goes on at our house, just one thing after another.

What happened to the cat? Oh, it’s still around. When I came home from work the other day, I could scarcely believe my eyes as the furry culprit was back sitting on my doorstep as if he owned the place. I’m not certain if he came over to apologize or to look for a second round.

Tempted by maternal instincts to defend my young, I’m wondering why he can’t sense my murderous urges to turn him into a feline fur piece.

Copyright 2003 Sheila Moss
Posted in Creatures, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Closet Gourmet

Posted on January 24, 2018 by Sheila Moss

kitchenMy daughter took over the kitchen at my house. I don’t know why — unless she was tired of eating frozen dinners. Actually, I was getting a bit tired of them myself, so I didn’t object too much, though I was secretly a bit worried about what sort of dinners she might cook.

Day one: Beef stew and biscuit. Right, I thought, it probably will taste like dog food and kibble. Amazingly, it was pretty good. We lapped it down without asking many questions and waited for the second day.

Day two: Turkey and dressing. Turkey and it isn’t even Thanksgiving? She must have spent all day doing this. Well, I have to work and don’t have time for roasting turkeys and tossing bread cubes. We ate it up and praised her cooking skills.

Day three: Chicken and dumplings. Ugh! I remember how my mother made dumplings, all soggy and gooey. That’s why I never bother with them. But these dumplings were light, fluffy and delicious. This kid can cook I decided, wondering where she got the recipe. Not from her grandma, that’s for sure.

Day four: Southwest chili and cornbread. This can’t possibly be good, I figured. How would she know how to make chili? That’s a specialty item. Where is she getting all the groceries, anyhow? I was starting to suspect that she was harboring a chef, hiding him in the attic and bringing him out only during the day while I was working.

Day five: Chicken Casserole. Tender cubes of chicken, lightly floating in a creamy sauce with a medley of vegetables and a crumb topping. This can’t go on. If I didn’t recognize my own casserole dish, I would swear that she was sneaking in food from a restaurant. But as long as I’m not buying, I might as well eat and enjoy.

Day six: Okay, today is the day I find out what’s going on around here. I’m green with envy at the culinary delights that have been parading through my kitchen. But she made spaghetti today. Pretty much anyone can cook spaghetti with a simple meat sauce. Yes, it was good, but what’s going on during the days when I’m not at home?

Day seven: Sneaked into the kitchen at night with a flashlight. Opened the cabinet and discovered the secret at last. A row of red boxes cleverly called complete classic dinners. So that’s the secret! Cans of vegetables, sauces, envelopes of breadcrumbs and spices all packaged up in the same box. They even include the meat! No slaving over the hot stove. No worrying about putting elusive ingredients together. It’s all packaged and ready to cook.

Well, that’s cheating! She didn’t do any work at all!

So, am I going to let her know that I’ve been nosey and found out the secret to the delectable exhibition of cuisine? Heck, no! She might stop cooking. I sure don’t want to go back to those tasteless frozen dinners or the long, tiring process of cooking a meal after a hard day’s work. Some things are best left alone. Besides, one of those boxes said, “Chicken Pot Pie”. That’s my favorite.

So, I set the table, offer to do the dishes, give her a gift certificate for groceries, buy her a new set of pots and throw in money for a new apron while she’s out shopping anyhow. Then I retire to my computer while mysterious clinking sounds come from the direction of the kitchen and delicious odors float down the hall.

What do I care where the food is coming from? The main thing is I don’t have to cook it!

Copyright 2003 Sheila Moss
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