Shooting the Breeze

junkyard

There’s nothing worse when shooting the breeze than asking a question that can’t be answered gracefully, especially if you want to get on someone’s good side.

With that in mind, we’ve decided to help Yankees, Northerners, Non-Southerners or others who have moved south. We want them to learn to how talk to rednecks without ask the nosey questions that will get them in trouble with the locals.

Here is a short list of things you should never ask a Southerner when conducting business or even in casual social relationships – especially if you suspect the person you are talking to might be redneck or white trash.

You might have to think about these. The reason why they are impolite is not always obvious to Non-Southerners.

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A REDNECK

  • I’ve never been in a house with wheels before.
  • Just sign right here on the dotted line.
  • Whose old rusty heap is that parked out front?
  • My brother works for the Department of Revenue.
  • Mind if I see your driver’s license?
  • Who dumped that old washing machine in your back yard?
  • How many children do you have anyhow?
  • Could I borrow your lawn mower?
  • When’s your next high school reunion?
  • But what will you do with your old couch?
  • I hear they are going union down at the factory.
  • I knew your sister Norma Jean before she settled down.
  • Nice dog you got there – is it friendly?
  • Read any good books lately?
  • What’s cooking that stinks — turnip greens?
  • What’s that boiler for out behind your shed?
  • You’re gonna do the right thing and marry her, aren’t you?
  • You sure have a lot of cats around here, don’t you?
  • What happened to the possum you ran over in the road?
  • Guess you knew hunting season has ended already?
  • Nice string of fish you have there – what’s the limit on bass?
  • Got any beer left?
  • That shotgun isn’t loaded is it?
  • Why do you have a pool table in your kitchen?
  • Is that auto transmission in the bathtub?
  • Do any of these TV’s work?
  • I know a guy that will tow those junk cars for you.
  • Did you know somebody recorded wrestling on your TV?
  • What’s that big number 3 on your hat for?

Hope this provides some insight into the redneck culture and helps you learn to mind your manners and your own business when you’re on another’s turf. If you know better than to use annoying statements in polite redneck company – congratulations! We are proud of you for understanding so well.

If you hang around here long enough shooting the breeze, you are well on the way to becoming just like we are. Thank you for visiting, and please don’t trip over the spittoon on your way out.

©2003
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About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites.
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5 Responses to Shooting the Breeze

  1. energywriter says:

    Yep, learned to be polite years ago when I married a man from WV. sd

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ArtReach says:

    Good Lord! What a perfect list! I remember being deeply insulted when a Northern transplant complained about the “stench” of collard greens. But what made me laugh out loud was your Earnhardt reference! Priceless!

    Liked by 1 person

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