Dear Daughter-in-Law,

I am very upset about your latest email, and I really don’t understand your negative attitude.  I have made every effort to be helpful and offer suggestions about my grandchild that I think will be useful.  I’m very sorry about the misunderstanding when I criticized your breastfeeding techniques.  I know it isn’t your fault, but, really dear, don’t you believe you could try a bit harder?  After all, it is only natural and mothers all over the world do it without any trouble so why can’t you?

I’m also sorry about the remark I made about using disposable diapers instead of the old fashioned kind. But they do remind me of Kleenex and the cloth ones were always good enough for my kids.  Parents nowadays are really just too lazy to have children.

I’m sorry that you didn’t like the little t-shirts and burping pads that I gave you as shower gift. I know you wanted the layette with the angels, but, dear, we do need to be practical. I also don’t understand why you are so mad about the nice gifts I gave my grandchild.  The fact that they were better than what you could afford and made you feel cheap is not my fault.

I hope by now you have gotten rid of the filthy dog so the baby does not catch any dog germs from it. Also, that cat needs to go. It will jump in the baby’s bed and smother it. Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to have a cat around a baby? I don’t know why you want pets anyhow. You have a child, that’s enough.

I hope you are using the nursery monitor I gave you and have installed the electrical outlet guards, and the safety locks. You just can’t be too careful these days, and we wouldn’t want anything bad to happen because you are not being careful, would we? Also, be sure to keep that syrup of ipecac in the bathroom in case of accidental poisoning. It always pays to keep some on hand – believe me, I know. If you would rub the baby’s chest with menthol salve, like I told you to, he wouldn’t be sick all the time. If you want my opinion, I think you should take the baby to my doctor for a good check-up instead of that fancy pediatrician your obgytrician referred you to.

I don’t know why you want me to quit buying clothes for my grandchild.  I know you like to pick out the baby’s clothes, but the ones I pick out are much nicer than anything you can afford.  Also, I’ve found some fabulous thrift stores with baby things for next to nothing. Why waste your money? I know the bicycle, baseball glove and computer I got may be a bit too advanced for a newborn, but the child will grow faster than you think.  Grandparents need to be able to indulge just a bit for their first grandchild.

I hope you liked the baby and childcare books that I bought and also the subscription to the parenting magazine.  They have all kinds of useful information for inexperienced parents.  I still can’t understand why you refuse to go to parenting classes.

Are you still upset about me coming over during the baby’s naptime and waking him up the other day?  I just wanted to see him and I did hold him and rock him the whole time I was there to keep him from fussing. Probably the reason he is so fussy is that he is teething.  Did you try whiskey on the gums like I told you?

I’m sorry I couldn’t baby-sit the other day while you went to the doctor, but you were so upset when I rearranged the furniture to make the house childproof that I just didn’t feel up to coming back for a while. I’m thinking of making a nursery at my place in the spare room, then you can just bring him over here where he will be taken care of properly while you are out running around.

Are you remembering to change the baby’s diaper and give him a bath every day?  You don’t mind me asking, do you? It isn’t that you are not a good mother, dear, it is just that I don’t want the baby to get rashes or diseases from being dirty.

I’ve been thinking that perhaps you just have more than you can do.  I’ve decided to  move in with you and take over to help out.  No need to thank me, dear.

Love,
Mom