The Clockorcism

clockradio

My alarm clock hates me! It has an evil plan to do me in. Like most people, I do not like waking up in the morning. But if I must be awakened, let it be by music. So, I bought a clock radio. It was cute, white and feminine, with a built in nightlight and many cute buttons for me to push.

It worked fine for a while, but at about the same time the warranty ended, it began to push MY buttons. First, the radio function died and turned into screeching static. Well, I thought, at least the alarm function still works. Yes, it worked, beeping at the top of its voice every morning – beeping loudly, just like a trash truck backing up. Now, I wake up every morning to the music of a garbage truck backing over me.

The worse part, however, is that the clock refuses to die. After being turned off, the alarm waits ten minutes and comes back on. Snooze alarm? No, even when the OFF button is hit, the stupid clock comes back on in ten minutes, shrieking and beeping obscenely. Even after two or three times of being turned off, the clock continues to come back on and beep.

As if the beeping alone is not enough, the night-light comes on when the alarm goes off. It flashes like a neon sign, as the beeping truck sound becomes louder and louder. It practically jumps up and down on the night table screaming at me to wake up. How I hate that clock!

In another diabolical twist, the little red PM light and the little red alarm light are one and the same, making it remarkably easy to set the alarm time wrong by 12 hours. And I thought all those buttons were so cute! Somehow, I just know that it is part of the evil plan and the clock enjoys it when I set the alarm wrong and oversleep.

The demon-possessed clock must go. One of these days I will snatch it up, beeping, blinking and spouting static like a disco club. Laughing hysterically, I will throw it in the trash can, smashing it to smithereens. That is my secret plan. But first, I must have a new alarm clock, maybe one with dual alarms, big numbers, and NO nightlight. One that has never heard of garbage trucks!

But it’s too late to go shopping now. Could someone give me a wakeup call? It will be bedtime soon, and the demon clock is waiting.

Copyright 2000 Sheila Moss

 

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About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites.
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7 Responses to The Clockorcism

  1. stomperdad says:

    HAHA! There are so many “fun” alarm clocks. My personal favorite is the one on wheels. When the alarm sounds it rolls away so you have to get out of bed and chase the thing down just turn it off. One of my alarm clocks beeps quietly then slowly raises in volume until I wake up and turn it off before it starts screaming. My other alarm clock is my Fitbit and just buzzes my arm like a thousand volts.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Peyton says:

    I hated my alarm clock so much that I started using my phone. Now I wake up the phone ringing. I don’t like that any better

    Liked by 1 person

  3. energywriter says:

    I remember those days! Now I set my body clock. When I settle down to sleep I tell my body what time to awaken me. It only fails about once a year, much more reliable that nasty alarm. sd

    Liked by 1 person

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