Dear Kids,

It has come to my attention that many of you are actually listening to adults and doing what you are told to do. This is NOT the way it is suppose to be. KIDS RULE! We are in charge and don’t ever let adults think otherwise. Once they get the upper hand, it becomes much more difficult to train them properly.

The training of an adult must begin early in the day. Plan to wake up at least an hour prior to their desired wakeup time. This gives you a head start. Then do whatever is necessary to be sure they wake up too. Jump on the bed, play with your battery-operated musical toys, or cry loudly, and scream, “I’m hungry!”

Once you wake them up and have their attention, they will want to change your underwear. This humiliating act puts them in control instead of you. Scream and refuse. They will try to distract you with a cup of warm milk. Resist! If you take the milk, you will be sunk. They will change your underwear and once warm and cozy, you are in danger of going back to sleep.

For breakfast insist on Oreo’s. This never fails to cause frustration. Refuse any offer of regular food like eggs. Do not be tempted by sugarcoated cereal, no matter how cute the television commercials are. Cereal is mostly sugar but there might be vitamins in the milk. Pop Tarts and granola bars are possible alternatives, but be sure not to be diverted by these too often or adults will get the idea that they can quit giving you Oreo’s.

After finishing your Oreo’s and milk, you will want to go outside to play. Stand at the door and press your nose on the glass looking sad. There are many more things to get into outside than inside, plus outside is where the best dirt is. All kids need to spend as much time as possible getting dirty.

Once outside, refuse to play with your toys and play with sticks and rocks. This will totally confuse your adult who will not understand why you don’t like expensive toys and will probably then buy you even more toys, hoping to find one you like. Smashing expensive toys is also fun, but we will not cover that here as it is a rainy day project.

For lunch, insist on chips and dip. If you are tired of chips and dip and actually want real food, request pizza. The tomato sauce on pizza is very messy and hard to clean up when smeared around on furniture, which makes it ideal. Refuse any and all vegetables, which are loaded with vitamins. Vitamins are an adult plot to deprive kids of tasty food like hot dogs, jelly sandwiches, and Popsicles. The only acceptable form for a vitamin is when it comes out of bottle, is shaped like an animal, and is flavored and chewable.

After lunch, the adult will want you to take a nap. It is important not to fall asleep regardless of how tired you are or how much the adults insist. If you do, they will watch television, laugh, and have all manner of fun without you. Also, they will not be tired at night and you can’t get the upper hand at bedtime. If they put you to bed for a nap, giggle, read books, kick the covers, anything to avoid going to sleep and letting adults have their way.

Unless you are starving, refuse dinner. If you are hungry and must eat, ask for a hot dog. The adult will be so frustrated because you have not eaten all day that you can pretty much have whatever you want. After you have eaten the hot dog is a good time to demand ice cream. The adult will be so happy that you have finally eaten something that you can probably become really outrageous and demanding at this point, even asking for something like cola in your training cup.

At bath time, insist on bubbles. Bring all the toys you can find into the tub. Splash the water, swim, play rubber ducky and fully enjoy your bath. Refuse to get out of the tub until after the adult pulls the plug and lets the bath water drain. Then throw out all the toys on the floor for the adult to pick up. This also makes the floor wet and slick and you can slide around on it while the adult tries to dress you for bed.

Refuse to go to sleep. Play, laugh, whine, insist on your favorite toy, ask for a story, or request a favorite video that you know was long ago misplaced. Prolong this period as much as you can. If you go to sleep, your adult will be able to rest and think of new ways to control you.

If you are able to hold out long enough, the adult may fall asleep first. When this happens, slip your favorite video tape into the VCR, find the stash of fruit rollups you have been hiding under the bed, let the dog get in bed with you, and celebrate your victory!

It is hard work to control adults and train them properly, but it is well worth your efforts in the long run. Eventually, they will give up, and you will be miles ahead of them in the competition to be the boss.

Remember, KIDS RULE – not adults! Never forget it!

Sincerely yours,
Zak – Age 2 ½

If you have ever raised children or have grandchildren, I’m sure you could have written this column yourself. Any of it sound very familiar? What did I forget to mention?