Application to Retire


NAME: Gabby Ol’ Grump

ADDRESS: Just address me as “Hey You” or Granny. My home street address? You can just deposit my pension checks directly into my bank account and I won’t have to worry about them getting stolen out of my mailbox. Old people obsess about this, you know.

SEX: Once in a while, but I’m still young enough to be hopeful.

POSITION APPLIED FOR: Couch Potato. Seriously, I’ve spent the best years of my life in an office cubicle. It’s time to blow this joint and see the rest of the world.

PREVIOUS SALARY: Too little, too late — however from an employer’s perspective, I probably make enough to pay two or three part-time employees who are younger and more energetic than I am.

DESIRED SALARY: $100,000 per year plus paid medical and dental insurance. Since that’s not an option according to the retirement office, then I guess I will have to learn to live on Social Security, the inadequate pension you have provided (thank you), and the interest off my checking account.

EDUCATION: Graduated suma cum lauda from the School of Hard Knocks and hold an advanced degree from the University of Experience.

LAST POSITION HELD: If all goes as planned, this will be my last position. It’s really hard to know since I’m not dead yet, in spite of what others may think.

PAST EXPERIENCE: Been there, done that, don’t want to go there again.

NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENTS: I can’t think of anything other than staying alive to reach retirement age without having a heart attack or nervous breakdown, and without even taking an extended absence to use up my sick leave before retirement.

REASON FOR LEAVING: To get a life. But, if it were not for the 8-hour rat race, I would stay around forever just to aggravate all the younger workers who want my job.

HOURS AVAILABLE: 24/7 – except for nights, weekends, holidays, and afternoon beauty naps.

ANY SPECIAL SKILLS: I can work overtime with the flu, meet stressful deadlines without going postal, use the stairs instead of the elevator, and can stay awake and hold my water during long, boring meetings. I can also type with one hand while answering the phone with the other.

CURRENT EMPLOYER: You are my current employer. Check with the Personnel Department. Don’t you speak to each other any more?

ARE YOU WILLING TO RELOCATE? I’ve heard that Florida is a popular place for retirement; however, many retirees are moving back to where they came from due to the hurricanes. Arizona is not an option. It’s too far away from the grandchildren.

ANY SERIOUS MEDICAL CONDITIONS: I don’t remember. (Another good reason to retire.)

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? Yes, it has 70,000 miles on it from commuting back and forth to the city five days a week; however, it’s almost paid for and has good tires. (If you are offering to give me a company vehicle, I accept.)

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? No, You don’t even know I work here. (See above.) I did get a nice certificate with my name spelled wrong, however, and a silver key chain for my many years of service.

DO YOU SMOKE? If I did, do you think I would have lived long enough to be retiring? Who has time for a smoke break around here anyhow? (Are you gathering information to reduce my life insurance benefits by any chance?)

RETIREMENT OBJECTIVE: To stay busy doing all the things that I haven’t had time to do because I am always at work. And when I’m out of here, don’t call me – I’ll call you.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY? No, retirement isn’t a crime; it’s supposed to be a reward for breaking my back in the salt mines, isn’t it?

IS THIS INFORMATION TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Of course, I could be fired for lying on my retirement application — if I wasn’t quitting anyhow, that is. (heh-heh!)

REFERENCES: Try Wikipedia, our Policy Manual or Google it.
(No use asking my boss if I am a good candidate for retirement. She is too busy looking for someone to replace me who will work for the same measly salary.)

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss

Photo by Niklas Hamann

About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites.
This entry was posted in Humor, Work Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Application to Retire

  1. hughduvall says:

    Nice job!


  2. Sheila Moss says:

    Thanks for the kind words. Sounds as if you have been there or are getting close to the exit door.


  3. Retro Roxi says:

    OMG This is priceless and I kept nodding my head with each Question and Answer!!! Bravo! 😂😂😂


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