Battle of the Sexes


Battle of the Sexes: She Says…

Men think they are the superior sex.  Just because their muscles are stronger they have the silly idea that their gray matter is equal to a female’s.  What women lack in physical strength, they make up for in mental superiority.  The reason that men all sleep with their mouths open is because their brain cells are trying to get oxygen. Lack of oxygen is also why they snore.

Men think their biggest problem is having fingers too big to pick their noses and ears.  That’s why they use car keys.  Men should come with consumer warning labels on them.  That way they would be able to save the time they spend denying their deficiencies and have more time so much to get things finished.  Men never get anything finished.  Women have to nag them for days, and that is just to get them up off the sofa.

The only time a man will get anything done is if he wants to finish it in time to watch the ball game on TV.  The best time to nag him is right before a big game. After the game starts, there is no point in trying to talk to him.  If the woman says, “I had a terrible day!” he says, “Huh?”  If she says, “I wrecked the car,” he says, “Huh?”  If she says, ”Wanna have sex?”  he says, “Huh?”  Men have the only truly universal language, a grunt.

Men watch sports on TV just as an excuse to drink beer.  Why is it that men drink so much beer?  Do they really think that beer bellies look cool?  If it weren’t for beer, men would go thirsty.  Who invented beer anyhow?  It must have been a man.  No woman would invent a high calorie beverage without cream and sugar.

Men always accuse women of nagging them about watching sports, but the reason women nag is because they could never get anything done otherwise.  Men have thousands of dollars worth of power tools and wrenches but still can’t change a washer in a drippy faucet.  The reason is that they never have the right ten cent washer.

Men have a hard time buying clothes too.  Men cannot pick out their own clothes.  They find several outfits that match, and then wear them over and over.  If the green shirt is dirty, they can’t think of anything else that goes with the green pants.  While women have shoes for every outfit, men are so boring they only need two pairs, black and brown.  If the black shoes have to go for repair, the man can only wear half of his clothes.  Men are unable to go clothes shopping alone.  After 20 years, they still don’t know the length of their own inseam.  It must be psychological denial.

Men are terrible at managing money. But they still think they are superior to women.   They complain about a few items put on the charge account and forget about the new computer they just bought. They always want to control the money and make investments.  It makes them feel powerful to talk about the stock market whether they understand it or not.  If they are so good with money, why do they keep losing all their pocket change under the furniture cushions?

When they are not watching TV, they are usually at work.  Men are too involved in their careers.  They spend all their time and energy on the job and then they are too tired for sex.  They are not too tired to think about it all the time, though.  Men have three favorite things.  They all begin with “S” –  beer, football, and sex.  The reason they all begin with “S” is that one stinks, one is stupid and one is swift.

A man cannot watch television without a remote control.  When the remote control was invented, he lost his ability to use the button on the television and it became extinct.  Men love toys and gadgets.  The only requirement is that it must be electronic.  If it does not blink or beep, the man cannot tell whether it is turned on.

Men never want to ask directions or take lessons in anything, unless it is golf lessons.  That’s because they can’t admit that someone else knows more than they do.  With golf, however, they figure that no one else can figure out why the balls go where they do either.

Men never remember things like birthdays and anniversaries unless they are reminded.  Why is it a woman’s responsibility to remind them?  They probably are trying to forget they are married.  It won’t work.  Women remember and they buy their own gift if the man forgets.  They would prefer to let him pick out the gift, however.  He always gets something expensive because he is too lazy to shop for a bargain – or else the saleswoman at Victoria’s Secret talked him into it.

Men do offensive things like belch and then expect a woman to understand.  Why should the woman always be the one to understand?  The man should understand that she is offended and not do it.  That is why women are sensitive and get their feelings hurt, because men do not understand.  If men understood women, they would not have to let their ears rest while women are talking.  How can a woman explain anything if the man will not listen?

I’m glad we were able to have this little chat.  I just wanted to set the record straight about who is really in charge.  We certainly would not want anyone to think that women are just as sexist as men are, would we?  Besides, women still like men a little bit in spite of their many faults.  Guess that shows how forgiving women are, doesn’t it?

If there is anything else you want to know, just ask.  If I don’t know the answer, I’ll just make something up.  After all, I made up all the rest of this stuff – at least that is what a man would tell you.

But… There is another side to every story.

Battle of the Sexes: He Says…

The truth about women is they can’t be pleased.  They spend their whole lives waiting for a man to do something wrong just so they can say, “I told you so.”  Women never shut up.  They are born to nag. They like to nag so much, they even find fault with men when they are asleep.  They claim that men snore.   The truth is that no man has ever heard himself snoring.

And when a woman isn’t nagging, she is complaining.  Something is always hurting.  She has a migraine, her feet hurt, or her back bothers her.  Women always want to go to doctors.  A man will wait until he is nearly dead before admitting pain. Men don’t like to go to doctors.

Women don’t appreciate men or how hard they work, even though they are working mostly to support women. Women nag men to do petty chores like taking out the trash, things demeaning to a man’s dignity.  Women try to expel them from their home and castle by making them do outside jobs like cutting the grass. If it was up to a man, he could get by with a mattress and a microwave.

Women waste entirely too much time cleaning the house.  Who notices if the house is clean or not except the man?  And the truth is that he doesn’t care.  If women have so much energy, why not spend it doing something useful like waxing and polishing the car?  And women always want to “decorate” their home.  Why do they need to decorate, except to spend money?  Women also like to spend money shopping.  Why do they need to shop?  If they want something, they should just go into the store and buy the first thing they see.  That’s what a man would do.

Women take better care of the kids than they do the man.  If a child falls down and skins his knee, they rush him to the bathroom to put medicine and Band-Aids on the injury, and give him a hug.  When a man falls down, they accuse him of indulging in strong beverages.

Women are always nagging men about cholesterol and calories too.  Why can’t women just watch their own calories?  A man is actually seldom overweight.  He simply has a small weight distribution problem causing everything to settle in the middle.

Women always want to make a mountain out of a molehill.  Just because a man brings part of the car engine inside and leaves it on the kitchen table, they threaten to divorce him.  Trivial!  Women want the home to be perfect.  Even though the man is not a plumber and knows nothing about fixing stuff, they expect him to do home repairs.  Then when the man messes something up and a real repair person has to be paid overtime, the woman becomes upset.

Women have their faults.  For example, women are very jealous creatures.  Just because a man spends a bit too much time looking at a new babe at the pool, they accuse him of cheating.  Why don’t they understand that it is his duty as a man to check out the new babes and report back to other men, preferably over a beer?

Actually, a man is much better off as a bachelor and he does not even have to shave every day either.  A few empty beer bottles and sink full of dirty dishes do not make him a bad person. A ring in the bathtub does not mean than he is dirty, only that he does not like to spend valuable time cleaning the bathroom, especially if it is time for his favorite program to come on TV.  Women need to learn to keep priorities straight.

Another problem women have is always wanting to socialize.  Men don’t want to socialize; they want to stay home and watch television, something that won’t talk back or try to dance with them. Speaking of television, women never understand the need for more than one remote control.  But any man can easily explain at least two, and sometimes more.

A women thinks that the need to pass wind or belch is obnoxious instead of understanding natural body functions. They think that sleeping should be done in the bed instead of on the sofa.  Why? There is just no way to satisfy a woman.  The only thing she is good for is sex and even that takes too long.  If a man can get in the mood without foreplay why can’t she?

Women are impractical.  They expect stupid gifts like flowers.  They expect men to remember the dates of their birthday and anniversary even though the event was years ago.  What a waste.  Any man can tell you the only really good gift is a big screen TV or tickets to a hockey match.  Women cannot understand the taste of a fine cigar or a shot of bourbon.  A woman thinks that a man smokes or drinks just for the express purpose of annoying her.

Men don’t try to engage women in meaningful conversations.  The only meaningful conversation that a man is interested in is who is the most valuable player and what time the game comes on. Women never know when to shut up.  They talk too much.  Women are always accusing men of not listening.  Of course, they are not listening; they are watching the instant replay.

It takes a woman forever to get ready to go someplace.  A man can get ready in ten minutes. When she is finally ready, she wants to be complimented on how she looks.  If a man says the woman looks nice, she accuses him of being up to something.  If he does not say that she looks nice, she accuses him of being insensitive.  That’s why men don’t give compliments.  They are trying to stay out of trouble.

When the woman is ready to go, she always want the man to do the driving in order to be able to criticize his driving.  Women drivers are overly cautious.  That’s why they have so many accidents.  You have to knock them out of the way to get by them.

I sure hope this sets the record straight about the differences between the sexes.  I figured it was about time that men spoke up and quit being accused of lying. The funny thing about sexism is that there is usually just enough truth to make it seem believable.  Of course, sexism is just a fallacy.  It doesn’t really exist at all – he says.

©2000 Sheila Moss

About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites.
This entry was posted in Humor, Rants and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Battle of the Sexes

  1. amommasview says:

    There’s always two sides to a story 😉 Loved reading this. Made me giggle 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Sunday Share LOL | All In A Dad's Work

  3. Lois says:

    Priceless! Sometimes you can live with a man and sometimes you can just do without all the mess.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. energywriter says:

    You said it! I live alone and sometimes think it would be nice to have a man around. But, then I think again. sd

    Liked by 1 person

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