Christmas Funnies


  • Santa is watching, please don’t do anything to embarrass him.
  • Christmas spirit is a mysterious force that causes people to max out their credit cards.
  • I’m dreaming of a white Christmas – so wake me up if I start shoveling the driveway.
  • I believe in Santa Claus, but Santa believes in Toys R Us.
  • Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth — gift horses have terrible breath.
  • You can’t string more lights outside than your redneck neighbor — don’t even try.
  • The best things come in small packages, so why do large packages look so much better under the Christmas tree?
  • There’s no place like home for the holidays — but I’d still rather go to Hawaii.
  • I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. For the rest of the year you are on your own.
  • There’s nothing as good as an old-fashioned Christmas, except maybe a new-fangled electronic toy.
  • Here comes Santa Claus — tracking soot all over the rug again.
  • If you don’t have any cookies & milk, Santa also accepts VISA.
  • The closer we get to Christmas, the longer the kid’s “I want” list becomes.
  • You will always get the most Christmas cards from the people you forgot.
  • If you can’t remember where you hid the Christmas presents, ask the kids.
  • If mother’s way is best, let her assemble the bicycle.
  • Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow – in other words – Let it freeze, let it melt, let it slush!
  • Regardless of the laws of physics, the living room shrinks when you put up a Christmas tree.
  • A perfectly symmetrical tree will always be lopsided when you get it home.
  • If it weren’t for dry fruitcake, what would we have to complain about?
  • The Christmas lights always work perfectly until you put them on the tree.
  • If you find the perfect gift, you can depend on it being half-price after Christmas.
  • The more you clean house, the larger the wrapping paper storm on Christmas morning.
  • It’s easy to wrap a perfect gift, especially if you let the department store do it.
  • The harder you are trying to diet, the greater the likelihood you’ll get candy as a gift.
  • Of course, I’ve been good — but don’t quote me on that.
  • Christmas is for children, but you better get your spouse something anyhow.
  • Christmas comes but once a year, but the bills come every day but Sunday.
  • Whoever said Christmas is a time of joy obviously didn’t have any relatives.
  • Remember, it’s the thought that counts– so why do we always look for a price tag?
  • Famous last words — I have plenty of time left to shop before Christmas.
Copyright 2004 Sheila Moss

About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites.
This entry was posted in Entertainment, Holidays, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Christmas Funnies

  1. This is a great list. The lopsided tree had gotten me several times! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lois says:

    Oh those words are so true!

    Liked by 1 person

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