I’m writing this because I want to explain a few things in case you get the wrong idea. You may have heard a rumor that I said I didn’t believe in you any more. I did say this, but surely you won’t hold me responsible for a statement made at the mall on Black Friday. I wasn’t the only grinch there that day by a long shot.
Okay, I did get upset with a sales clerk in the department store too. But she wouldn’t help me look for my size and just kept on helping other people instead. I apologized later to the store manager when he came to break us up, but he threw me out of the store anyhow.
Yes, I believe I did say an ugly word and honk my horn when someone whipped into a parking place that I had been waiting for. They deserved it. If I were an evil person, I would have waited until they went inside and keyed the car. That’s all I’ve got to say on this matter other than I’m not admitting to anything.
I will admit that I ordered cheap gifts off the Internet this year instead of getting them at the fancy stores at the mall. You can’t blame me for wanting to save money, can you? It isn’t that I don’t care…really. But next year I’m just getting gift cards for everyone and skipping the rest of it.
I got a bit upset at a restaurant waiter too. I ask you, how can a restaurant run out of something as basic as potatoes? And the most aggravating part was they let us wait for a table for 30 minutes without saying anything. They wouldn’t let me go into the kitchen to fuss at the cook, so I had to take it out on someone.
Santa, you just don’t know what it’s like at Christmas. People cut in line, try to steal your purse, push and shove, and buy up all the good stuff before you can get there. Then they have the nerve to wish you a Merry Christmas. You should probably try gift cards too. Think of all the trouble you would save by not having to drag toys around in the cold.
Speaking of cold weather, for heaven’s sake don’t bring any snow with you when you come. That’s the last thing we need. Sleds are not very practical these days, and reindeer should just stay in the Arctic where they belong instead of gallivanting around all over the world.
Anyhow, it will all be over pretty soon, and people can all go buy their decorations for next year at 50% off. I promise to behave myself this year and not to take anything out of another person’s basket – unless, of course, they got the last good item and I have to.
What I’d like you to bring me for Christmas this year is cash. You can just put it in my stocking where I can find it, and don’t bother with wrapping it. Small bills will be best. Cold hard cash is really the ideal gift. Once size fits all wallets, no exchanges needed, and my favorite color is green. If you don’t want to bring cash, you can make a direct deposit into my checking account or send it via PayPal.
I’ve been extra good all year except for the few small items that I mentioned. Just in case you have any ideas about bringing me a lump of coal, I’d like to remind you that the custom went out with the dinosaurs.
I’m just writing because I wanted to be sure you know I still believe.