Humor Columnist Blog

The Aquarium

Posted on June 20, 2016 by Sheila Moss

DSCN0777 Being a long weekend, it seemed a shame to waste it, so we decided to visit the Tennessee Aquarium in Chattanooga. I was not really sure that fish would be interesting, but – what the heck – nothing else around here to do except fight the crowds at the shopping malls, and who wants to do that?

Turned out that the aquarium was a pretty nifty place. I’ve never seen so many fish in my life, all colors and sizes. The huge water tanks and large expanses of glass gave the illusion of being underwater. The fish, were cooperatively fishy, swimming up to the glass and looking at you eyeball to eyeball. Strange feeling. They almost seemed to enjoy interaction with people. Probably they were just wondering what kind of food I was.

DSCN0781 Anyhow, I was pretty cool until we came to an area called the “Delta.” Here is where the fish really became pretty. They were pink, blue, yellow – every color you can imagine! Man, I didn’t want to leave – even though I secretly figured I could be getting pretty low on oxygen from being under the water for so long. I didn’t realize that there was any place in the U.S. that had fish so colorful and exotic looking.

DSCN0785 The jellyfish area was especially interesting. The jellyfish sort of swim around like small size umbrellas opening and closing gracefully. The largest collection was called “Moon Jellyfish.” They were really quite attractive. I hardly minded being mooned at all.

There were so many types and varieties that it became impossible to keep track after a while. I hung around the Russian Sturgeon tank for quite a while hoping for a donation of caviar, but I guess they were planning a party of their own later as they never obliged.

Some lizards in an above water display caught my attention. One ugly fellow looked at me from his perch on a tree branch and smiled. I think he wanted to get his picture taken. Probably working for tips. Another lizard had long claws and scurried up a tree. Boy, I’d hate to run into him in my back yard. Thank goodness, he was native to New Guinea. Remind me to never go to New Guinea.

The paddle fish were odd. They were pre-historic looking with long beak-like paddles for noses. Some of them swam with their mouths wide open, which caused the light to shine through their bodies and light up the inside of their mouth as they swam.

Also interesting were the piranha, which were attired in their party wear complete with gold glitter sprinkles. Don’t know if they remembered to brush their teeth or not, but I sure wasn’t gonna be the one to ask ‘em.

We ended up watching the fish being fed. The ducks and turtles liked this part even better than the tourists and mooched up much of the minnow and squid. Those critters seem to eat better food than we do. Hate to pick up the tab when they dine out.

So, the day at the aquarium was a great success. My fingers may be a bit wrinkled from being under water so long. But I can hardly wait to go back, probably the mental effects of oxygen deprivation.

©1998 Sheila Moss
©Photos Sheila Moss

Have you visited an aquarium? What was your favorite fish or other creature?

Posted in Creatures, Entertainment, Humor | Tagged Aquarium, Chattanooga, Fish, Jellyfish, Lizards, Paddle Fish, Piranha, Places to see, Things to do, tropical fish, vacation | Leave a comment

Daddy’s Garage

Posted on June 19, 2016 by Sheila Moss

Ronald Crump – 1917-2013

Daddy always had an outside building of some sort. Some men have sheds or barns, but Daddy’s private place was always a garage. The garage was a “man place” where he could keep his tools and automotive stuff, a place to call his own away from the women in the family.

Daddy’s garage had tool benches that he made himself at some point in time so long ago that the exact date has faded into oblivion. He kept all his tools there, hammers, saws, screwdrivers, and gadgets that I don’t even know the name of, much less how to use. Each one had its place in the structure of his life and only he knew where it belonged.

I didn’t really understand what all these tools were for as I’ve never known of Daddy building anything much. He just liked to “piddle,” we said. When my sister and I were kids, we would sometimes “borrow” his tools, and we always forgot to put them back where they belonged. You would think we would have learned to be sneaky so we wouldn’t get caught, but we never did.

The walls of the garage were covered with old license plates, hubcaps, bumper stickers and yard tools. The shelves were full of ancient dusty objects. There were piles of scrap lumber that Daddy had collected, just in case he ever did decide to build something significant. It was all pretty dreadful to a woman’s prying eyes, which is probably exactly what Daddy had in mind.

Some of Daddy’s birdhouses

At one time, Daddy decided to build birdhouses. He did not stop at one or even several. He built them by the dozen and they lined the shelves on the walls of his garage. He gave them away to family, and to people he knew and liked.

When Daddy had his heart operation, he had us take a birdhouse to the hospital to give to his favorite nurse. I hope she appreciated it. It meant a lot at the time because we didn’t know if Daddy would ever be able to build his birdhouses again.

Daddy also built benches for a while, and we womenfolk figured out ways to use them. I still have several of Daddy’s benches. When everyone had a bench, Daddy started making wooden boxes. My sister added dirt to hers and planted flowers. I have some in the attic and I’m still trying to think of a way to use them.

Daddy whittled and carved out birds and other assorted wooden objects with only his pocketknife. This particular interest ended drastically when he cut his hand rather badly and had to go to the emergency room two times in a row.

Daddy’s favorite craft, though, was building houses for Christmas nativity scenes. He cut sticks and built crèches from them. He built them year round and gave them away to anyone who wanted one. Word got around and there was actually a waiting list.

There came a time when Daddy couldn’t make it out to the garage often any more. He grew older and walked with a walker. He eventually had to give up driving a car. He still went out to his garage occasionally, probably just to have time to himself in his own world and to reflect in dusty solitude.

We women could never understand Daddy’s garage, and gave up trying. There are just some things in a man’s world that are off limits and better left alone.

©2005 Sheila Moss

Did your dad have a special place like a garage, basement, workshop or man cave? What did he do there?

Posted in Family, Humor | Tagged Birdhouses, dad, Daddy, father, Father's Day, garage, Honoring Fathers, Man Cave, Wood carving, Wood Crafts | 4 Comments

Honoring Dear Old Dad

Posted on June 18, 2016 by Sheila Moss

father and son

All over America, fathers will be excited because it is “their” day – Father’s Day. Right. Like they really care. Another shirt, another tie, another jewelry tray to put on their dresser?

Yeah, they are really excited. Like they actually have any jewelry, unless you count the tie tack you gave him last year for Father’s Day, the dog tags left over from military service, or the cankered cuff links that are so old that dad isn’t even sure exactly where they came from anymore.

And the worst part of it all is the fact that the adult kids will come home on Father’s Day to visit, probably bringing the grandchildren. Fathers can’t even enjoy peace and quiet on “their” day.

However, a few thoughtful kids will probably take father out to eat instead of buying him another shoe polishing kit. Food is good, especially if it is an all-you-can-eat food buffet where dad can really pig out. Of course, it will probably be crowded with all the other thoughtful families who are taking their fathers out to food bars also.

What dad would really like is probably a big screen TV or a season’s pass to the baseball game. Now that would be a gift worth receiving. Not many kids have the funds to fork over to dear old dad for that sort of gift. If they do, they probably use it to buy their own home theater system and then invite dad over to see it. Oh, well. It was a thought anyhow. That’s okay; dad still has the old reliable Zenith parked in the corner of the den and a remote control – if the grandchildren haven’t lost it yet.

Younger fathers may still enjoy Father’s Day. It is the novelty of the whole thing, the extra attention. So what if they eat out at a fast food steakhouse and the kids’ names are scribbled on the Happy Father’s Day card with a crayon? It’s merely the fact that the kids notice that dad is around sometime other than on allowance day or the day of a little league ball game. Yes, it’s the thought that counts. After all, these moppets did not get here on their own, and it’s about time they remembered that!

If dad is lucky, they will forget all about him by afternoon. He can escape to the basement and piddle with his tools or go outside and mow the lawn. Fathers are not used to being honored. Fathers are used to being ignored. All this attention is more than a father can bear.

Kind of makes a heart proud, though. They remembered! They know where they came from! Good genes, these kids.

Wonder what a dad is suppose to do with yet another wallet? Put it in the drawer with all the other wallets? Maybe one of these years he will actually need a new wallet and when he does, he will be ready. Thanks kids, dad is overwhelmed with joy. Who knows, maybe next year they will just forget about the whole thing.

Now, where did the remote control go? Oh, no! Not again!

©2000 Sheila Moss

Posted in Family, Humor | Tagged dad, Daddy, father, Father's Day, Funny, Gifts for Dad, Holidays | 8 Comments

Facts About Fathers

Posted on June 17, 2016 by Sheila Moss

father

FACTS ABOUT FATHERS
By Sheila Moss
Humor Columnist Blog

* Never forget, if it wasn’t for your father, you wouldn’t be here.

* No matter how old you are, you are still a snotty-nose kid to your dad.

* Fathers don’t get paid for a job well done – unless you count satisfaction.

* When a father says “no,” he really means, “ask your mother.”

* What father says is law. But that’s because kids are not old enough to vote yet.

* Your father knows more about you than you think he does – but you can trust him not to tell.

* Fathers are perfect — problems are created by children

* If at first you don’t succeed, ask your father for a second chance.

* There may be several opinions, but dad’s is the only one that counts.

* When your father gets quiet, he is planning – if he is snoring, the plan worked.

* Always agree with your father. Then he cannot say “I told you so!”

* If you can’t remember when you hugged your dad, maybe he can’t either.

* Never tell father he is wrong, it will only irritate him.

* Never criticize your father’s driving unless you prefer walking.

* If you have your father’s complete approval, he is probably making a big mistake.

* You may fool mother but you can’t fool dad – he pulled the same stunts when he was a kid.

* You can’t keep anything from your father. If you can hide it, he can find it.

* Never argue with your dad. And if you do, never think you will win.

* There is no such thing as a father without radar – it’s standard equipment.

* There are always exceptions to dad’s rules, but he is the one that decides what they are.

* Experience is something your father will always have more of, and you cannot get enough of.

* Your father will forgive your mistakes, but that doesn’t mean you should repeat them.

* Fathers are the only judges that can convict without evidence.

* If you have outgrown your need for fatherly advice, be sure not to mention it to him.

* No matter what is broken, dad has a tool that can fix it or render it unfixable.

* If dad does not have an answer, he will pretend not hear the question.

* Father’s memory is always better than yours, especially when you borrow money.

* Father is the person that you can always call on – just be sure to call during halftime.

* Dad owns the remote control, but you are welcome to use the lawnmower.

* A father’s gratitude is priceless, but a big screen TV is not.

©2004 Sheila Moss

Posted in Family, Humor | Tagged dad, Families, father, Father's Day, Funny, Male, men, Relatives | 1 Comment

Working at Not Working

Posted on June 16, 2016 by Sheila Moss

working

Have you ever worked in a place where nobody works? They have jobs… they just don’t work. How do they do it? Somehow they have figured out a way to slide through the day, seeming busy while doing nothing and getting other people, who haven’t figured it out, to do their work and cover for them.

I think what it boils down to is: 1) nobody cares, or; 2) the people in charge are not working either. After all, to know that the workers are not on the job, somebody has to be watching. Everybody is so busy doing nothing and looking busy that no one notices that nothing is getting done.

The main job, when anything is done, is answering complaints. Complaints about what? Well, complaints that nobody is doing anything. If it were not for the complaints, there would be nothing to do. Except, of course, have meetings. Meetings that accomplish what? Well…nothing…what else?

Some people manage to consistently come to the office at about 9 or 10 o’clock in the morning. They slip in by the back elevator and pretend that they have been there all the time, busy at their desks. Occasionally, they may even call to say that they are “running late” and will be in a bit late. That means, “Don’t look for me before noon. I stayed out late and overslept this morning.”

In the meantime, the fools that did show up answer their phones, take their messages and explain to everyone that so-and-so is “running late.” Why doesn’t the boss notice? Well, because these people keep up with the boss’ schedule. Like hawks, they have a second sense that lets them know when the boss is out of town, has an early meeting elsewhere, or is “running late” too.

These people are absolutely indispensable to the organization. They are the busiest workers they have. Of course, they are busy. If they came to work, they might have time to get things done. If they do, by some quirk of fate, get noticed for not being present, they instantly come up with a project that they were “working on at home.” It has to be something essential and absolutely impossible to work on in the office due to the interruptions. Revising policy is popular.

Computers and telecommuting have helped non-workers tremendously. Funny how they usually have nothing to show for all the work they’ve done at home. They are also masters at avoiding taking leave. They work part time, but never take any time off. I can’t figure out how they get by with it. Actually, they are not often missed. They are not depended on to do much since they are never there.

It must really take practice to become good at doing nothing. I just can’t seem to get the hang of it. If I tried it, I would be caught the first morning. Some of us seem doomed to work and cover for others. It takes practice, cunning and skill to be good at not working. I wonder sometimes if not working is really worth the trouble, or if it might be more work than just actually working.

©1998 Sheila Moss

Do you know any non-workers? What do you do, complain to management or do your own job and let it go?

Posted in Humor, Work Humor | Tagged complaints, Meetings, Office Workers, Running Late, Slackers, Time management, workers, Working at Home | 16 Comments

The Silver Dynamo

Posted on June 15, 2016 by Sheila Moss

Embed from Getty Images

There are many things in life that are not favorite activities. I had to do one of the things I despise most last week – buy a car. It seems as if we just went through this process not too long ago. I couldn’t believe I had to do it again.

I dislike car buying because you are expected to barter over prices. Do you ever go into a department store and offer to give them $50 for a $70 dress, or to a grocery store and offer the checkout person less than the total on the cash register?

Because I hate spending a whole day playing the car-buying game that I know I can’t win, I’ve lately been going to a dealership that sells used rental cars that have been retired from the fleet. They are only a year old, loaded with extras, and the price is the price.

Our sales person was the eager type. The minute we walked through the door he was with us in an electric flash, shaking hands and saying how glad he was that we came by. He wondered how we found them since they don’t advertise and his eyebrow twitched into a dollar sign when he found out we were repeat customers.

Then the pitch: “We keep only 5% of our cars and the rest are wholesaled out. We price them at the fair market price and there is no negotiating.” That was music to my ears, even though I already knew it and that’s why I drove to the other side of town to buy car.

“What kind of car are you interested in?” My daughter was already outside on the car lot checking out the selection. “Something for my daughter that’s economical,” I replied.

She had zeroed in on one that was similar to the one she had wiped out on the Interstate a few weeks before. The price was about right and mileage fairly low. I was ready to get the deal done.

“We have some nice Fords with remote entry,” said the salesman, “Are you interested in a Ford?” Before I could say “no” he had waltzed my daughter across the lot to a slick silver model with all the features you could load it down with.

“But the mileage is higher and it’s a year older,” I pleaded.

“I like it,” she said, already behind the wheel. Pink hearts drifted out the window.

“Would you like to drive it?” purred the evil sales person.

Of course she would. We piled into the car, and I covered my eyes while we pulled out into the busy traffic for a test spin.

“How do you like it?” I asked, as the violin music swelled and a choir of angels sang from somewhere in the unseen background. The answer was obvious.

We went back to the dealership to get the painful part over with – the part where you sign away half your paycheck for once a month and get an easy payment plan. After filling out the paperwork and signing my name so many times that I had writer’s cramp down to my ankle, the deed was finally done.

“We try to keep it as simple as possible,” said the salesman. “Was it easy?”

“Yes, too easy,” I replied truthfully.

And so my daughter has wheels again and life can get back to normal around here. But those tiny pink valentines that keep floating out the windows of her car are beginning to become annoying.

© 2005 Sheila Moss

Do you like car bargaining or would you prefer one fair price?

Posted in Automotive, Humor | Tagged automobiles, barter, car buying, car sales, cars, Ford, rental car, used car | 12 Comments

Promote Your Blog Here

Posted on June 13, 2016 by Sheila Moss

Posted in Humor | 5 Comments

Feedback from a Valued Customer

Posted on June 12, 2016 by Sheila Moss

desktoppc

AUTHORS NOTE: This is an actual email exchange that took place while I was trying to renew and forward a URL. It has been edited for the sake of brevity only; also, the actual email address was altered to protect the illiterate.

TO CUSTOMER

Your transfer was successful but the payment has failed. If you’d like this transfer to proceed, you will need to correct the problem by logging into your account and updating your credit card information.

The Automated Transfer System

========================

TO SUPPORT

I’m having trouble with the log on. Is my password still valid? Did you use the card number ending with 0000? My old credit card number is probably not valid. Use the new one.

========================

DEAR VALUED CUSTOMER — please read the following important message:

Due to the large volume of Unsolicited Commercial E-Mail (SPAM) we receive, we now ask that you to resend this and any future support requests through our website.

Please log in to your account. You will have instant access to our complete Knowledge Base. If you do not find the answer in our Knowledge Base you will be able to submit a question directly to our Customer Support Team. We will then reply back and resolve your issue as soon as possible. Please wait 72 hours before you reply.

========================

DEAR AUTOMATED TRANSFER SYSTEM,

I have managed to change my credit card number to a valid one after only two attempts, and I’ve figured out that my sign-in ID is an email address which expired only three years ago. I never did get the email with the forgotten password that you promised, but you did manage to get an email to me immediately when my credit card number failed. Having email to support@namecheapo.com bounce back to the user is a cute trick, by the way. You should send that idea to Dilbert’s boss.

========================

DEAR VALUED CUSTOMER — please read the following important message:

Due to the large volume of Unsolicited Commercial E-Mail (SPAM) we receive, we now ask that you to resend this and any future support requests through our website.

========================

TO CUSTOMER CARE

In the remote possibility that a NON-automated robot works there, would you please forward my URL. I’ve been doing this myself for years, but now my account page is gone. I can’t find a page to put this information, in spite of spending two days looking for it and clicking every link in your website a number of times. I’ve clicked the Forward URL link so many times it is probably wearing a hole in your website.

Please don’t point me to your help page because it says “follow the online instructions” which I also can’t find.

I apologize for not waiting quite 72 hours before writing, but 1:12 A.M. is way past my bedtime.

========================

TO CUSTOMER

The domain transfer process has finished for the following domains. You can now log into your account and manage them like any other domain.

We encourage you to contact us regarding your domain transfer experience at support@namecheapo.com

Thank you, The Automated Transfer System

========================

TO CUSTOMER CARE

How do I forward my URL? I want to forward my domain to another website. How do I do this?

========================

TO CUSTOMER

Recently you requested personal assistance from our on-line support center. Your domain is now in the status REDEMPTION PERIOD.

During the Redemption Period, the Registry gives the owner of the domain one more chance to re-activate the domain. The cost to re-instate the domain is $150.00. The Redemption Period lasts 30 days. If the domain is not re-activated, the domain is released on the 30th day of the Redemption Period, available for the rest of the public to register.

========================

TO CUSTOMER CARE

Wah?????

========================

Hi Sheila,

I apologize for the delay in our response. For some reason your domain was marked as expired in our database. I have corrected this issue, and your domain should begin forwarding normally in a couple of hours

Thanks!
Tim

========================

DEAR VALUED CUSTOMER CARE STAFF — please read the following important message:

Due to the large volume of Unsolicited Commercial E-Mail (SPAM) I receive, I now ask that you to resend this and any future support replies through my website. From here, you will have instant access to my complete Humor Archives. If you do not find the problem in my Humor Archives, you will be able to submit a reply directly to your Customer who will then reply back with an issue for you to resolve as soon as possible.

Thank You,
A Valued Customer

-0-

Posted in Humor, Technology, Uncategorized | Tagged Automated System, Computer support, Customer Support, Domain renewal, Feedback, Log in, Redemption Period, spam, URL transfer | 7 Comments

Casual Friday

Posted on June 10, 2016 by Sheila Moss

Folks at the office were very excited when we found out that we would get to observe “Casual Friday,” a dress-down day which, I suppose, was management’s way of providing a “perk” to improve moral and reward us for working all week. Somewhere someone probably learned in a management seminar that this was a good way to reward employees without spending money or straining the budget for real perks like raises and bonuses.

Apparently, there was some confusion about exactly what was meant by “casual.” This was quickly rectified by a classic memo, which I plan to frame some day after the person who wrote it retires or dies and can’t fire me. The memo said that the office would observe a casual day each Friday. Jeans should not be worn. Neither should sweats, shorts, tee-shirts, jogging, or bicycling attire – and, of course, tennis shoes would never be correct for the office. So, what’s left?

This reminds me of some other confusing terminology. “Dressy casual” seems to be the term in vogue at the present time. I overheard a woman who was shopping in a department store say that she was going on a cruise and needed some outfits that were “dressy casual.” Somehow this seems extremely ambiguous to me. What in the world is dressy casual?

The sales lady explained that it is skirts, blouses, dresses, shirts, pants, and sports jackets. That just sounds like regular daytime dress attire to me. Why call it such a confusing name? Sportswear is another thing I have never understood. Go in any department store and go to the Sportswear Department. Tell me if they have one thing there that you could play sports in.

I once saw an ingenious commercial on TV. The Secretary is at her desk in pink hair curlers and the boss in a bath towel. The voice-over says something to the effect of , “If we’re going to observe casual Friday, then let’s be casual.”

Do you suppose management really thought this is what could happen?

©1998

Posted in Fashion, Humor, Work Humor | Tagged Casual Dress, Casual Friday, Comfortable Attire, Daytime Dress Attire, Dressing Down, Dressy Casual, Jeans, Sportswear, Sweats, Tee Shirts, Tennis Shoes | 11 Comments

The Bone Pop Doc

Posted on June 8, 2016 by Sheila Moss

chiropractor

For the past year now, I’ve been a regular at the “bone pop doc.” When I started, I was suffering from long-term back and neck pain, and was seeking some relief. I had already been to my regular MD, who looked over my chart and said, “You’re still complaining about the same thing you were complaining about 18 years ago.”

Now I may be a bit slow, but I suddenly began to get the picture. If I haven’t found any relief in 18 years from traditional medicine, maybe its time to try something else.

Enter… the Chiropractor. The x-rays and tests confirmed what I already knew, deteriorated vertebra. No, I don’t consider chiropractic a replacement for traditional medicine, but rather a supplement – like physical therapy. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to fix the damage, but he could help relieve the pain.

So, I had my first experience of being hooked up to what I came to call “the electrocution machine.” a therapy which uses low-grade electrical impulses to stimulate the muscles and force them to relax. This along with hot packs, feels wonderful. I almost always fall asleep during the process. The chiropractic assistant vibrates and massages the sore muscles.

After the shake & bake, the doctor pops my bones. He calls it “making adjustments.” First my back, one side at a time, then my neck. Hearing my neck crack like knuckles was pretty scary at first, but eventually I decided he would not break it – at least as long as I paid his bill. I’m lucky that my insurance pays for chiropractic care. Not all insurance does.

All this stuff seems pretty weird. I mean, how can popping my bones make the pain go away? He said it has to do with keeping things “in alignment.” I’m sometimes a bit skeptical about the whole premise, but I must admit, I do feel fantastically better compared to the way I felt when I first went. The doc believes in vitamins and natural healing, which is not a problem since I believe in diet, exercise and vitamins as a way to maintain health anyhow.

Doc says my Corvette is bad for my back, a point I disagree on. I know he is really just jealous and if I fall asleep too long on the electrocution table, he will steal my car keys and go for a drive. Besides, I sort of figure if he keeps by back feeling good, I won’t have to worry about the Vette.

Some people think chiropractic does no good and the improvement is psychological. I don’t think so, but if it helps, who cares? I’d write more but my neck is starting to hurt looking into this computer. Let me see, two more days till time for my appointment. Maybe I can book an extra session.