Casual Friday

Posted on June 10, 2016 by Sheila Moss

casual.jpg

Folks at the office were very excited when we found out that we would get to observe “Casual Friday,” a dress-down day  which, I suppose, was management’s way of providing a “perk” to improve moral and reward us for working all week.  Somewhere someone probably learned in a management seminar that this was a good way to reward employees without spending money or straining the budget for real perks like raises and bonuses.

Apparently, there was some confusion about exactly what was meant by “casual.”  This was quickly rectified by a classic memo, which I plan to frame some day after the person who wrote it retires or dies and can’t fire me.  The memo said that the office would observe a casual day each Friday.  Jeans should not be worn.  Neither should sweats, shorts, tee-shirts, jogging, or bicycling attire – and, of course,  tennis shoes would never be correct for the office. So, what’s left?

This reminds me of some other confusing terminology.  “Dressy casual” seems to be the term in vogue at the present time.  I overheard a woman who was shopping in a department store say  that she was going on a cruise and needed some outfits that were “dressy casual.”  Somehow this seems extremely ambiguous to me.  What in the world is dressy casual?

The sales lady explained that it is skirts, blouses, dresses, shirts, pants, and sports jackets.  That just sounds like regular daytime dress attire to me.  Why call it such a confusing name?  Sportswear is another thing I have never understood.  Go in any department store and go to the Sportswear Department.  Tell me if they have one thing there that you could play sports in.

I once saw an ingenious commercial on TV.  The Secretary is at her desk in pink hair curlers and the boss in a bath towel.  The voice-over says something to the effect of , “If we’re going to observe casual Friday, then let’s be casual.”

Do you suppose management really thought this is what could happen?

©1998
Posted in Fashion, Humor, Work Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

The Bone Pop Doc

Posted on June 8, 2016 by Sheila Moss

chiropractor

For the past year now, I’ve been a regular at the “bone pop doc.” When I started, I was suffering from long-term back and neck pain, and was seeking some relief. I had already been to my regular MD, who looked over my chart and said, “You’re still complaining about the same thing you were complaining about 18 years ago.”

Now I may be a bit slow, but I suddenly began to get the picture. If I haven’t found any relief in 18 years from traditional medicine, maybe its time to try something else.

Enter… the Chiropractor. The x-rays and tests confirmed what I already knew, deteriorated vertebra. No, I don’t consider chiropractic a replacement for traditional medicine, but rather a supplement – like physical therapy. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to fix the damage, but he could help relieve the pain.

So, I had my first experience of being hooked up to what I came to call “the electrocution machine.” a therapy which uses low-grade electrical impulses to stimulate the muscles and force them to relax. This along with hot packs, feels wonderful. I almost always fall asleep during the process. The chiropractic assistant vibrates and massages the sore muscles.

After the shake & bake, the doctor pops my bones. He calls it “making adjustments.” First my back, one side at a time, then my neck. Hearing my neck crack like knuckles was pretty scary at first, but eventually I decided he would not break it – at least as long as I paid his bill. I’m lucky that my insurance pays for chiropractic care. Not all insurance does.

All this stuff seems pretty weird. I mean, how can popping my bones make the pain go away? He said it has to do with keeping things “in alignment.” I’m sometimes a bit skeptical about the whole premise, but I must admit, I do feel fantastically better compared to the way I felt when I first went. The doc believes in vitamins and natural healing, which is not a problem since I believe in diet, exercise and vitamins as a way to maintain health anyhow.

Doc says my Corvette is bad for my back, a point I disagree on. I know he is really just jealous and if I fall asleep too long on the electrocution table, he will steal my car keys and go for a drive. Besides, I sort of figure if he keeps by back feeling good, I won’t have to worry about the Vette.

Some people think chiropractic does no good and the improvement is psychological. I don’t think so, but if it helps, who cares? I’d write more but my neck is starting to hurt looking into this computer. Let me see, two more days till time for my appointment. Maybe I can book an extra session.

©1998

Have you ever had a chiropractic experience and what do you think about these doctors?

Posted in Health, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

The Farmers’ Market

Posted on June 6, 2016 by Sheila Moss

vegetables.jpg

What is it about an outdoor produce market that makes everything seem so much fresher and better than when brought from the clean, air-conditioned, misted produce counters of the super market?  Perhaps it is the variety and the large quantities, or perhaps the sensual pleasure of the vast array of colors and textures that make shopping at a farmer’s market seem almost like an exotic adventure.

This weekend, struck with the urge for a first taste of summer, I decided to visit the local farmers’ market where produce is sold directly to the consumer by eager produce vendors.  Wandering among the various vendors, selecting the best looking fruits and vegetables becomes a challenging experience.

Piles of large green watermelons and huge cantaloupes beckon.  Why is it that the melons seem so much bigger than the ones in the grocery stores?  Mounds and mounds of red tomatoes – are they too ripe?  Are they too green? Are they still like the cardboard-tasting tomatoes of winter?  Fresh yellow corn is laying in piles, still in the husk, with fine silk hair like corn babies. Buying in quantity for fresh corn-on-the-cob seems like the only sensible thing to do.  Then there are the strawberries and blueberries, all looking much too temptingly luscious and fresh to pass by.

Laden with bags of corn, new potatoes, and berries, we wind our way back to the outside, thinking of all the wonderful meals we will have next week, sure that the produce is much fresher and cheaper than it could possibly be from any grocery store. Sure, we still have to visit the supermarket. There is a lot more to meals these days than just fresh produce.  But think of how much fun we would have missed shopping the normal way.

While I appreciate the quantity and dependability of our ever-present supermarket food supply, I also hope to be able to continue to occasionally be reminded of another time, another way of shopping, another way of doing things.  I hope that I might always take delight in simple pleasures and in trying to find the extraordinary in the ordinary.

©1998
Posted in Food, Plants/Gardening, Shopping | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Shooting the Breeze

Posted on June 4, 2016 by Sheila Moss

junkyard

There’s nothing worse when shooting the breeze than asking a question that can’t be answered gracefully, especially if you want to get on someone’s good side.

With that in mind, we’ve decided to help Yankees, Northerners, Non-Southerners or others who have moved south. We want them to learn to how talk to rednecks without ask the nosey questions that will get them in trouble with the locals.

Here is a short list of things you should never ask a Southerner when conducting business or even in casual social relationships – especially if you suspect the person you are talking to might be redneck or white trash.

You might have to think about these. The reason why they are impolite is not always obvious to Non-Southerners.

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A REDNECK

  • I’ve never been in a house with wheels before.
  • Just sign right here on the dotted line.
  • Whose old rusty heap is that parked out front?
  • My brother works for the Department of Revenue.
  • Mind if I see your driver’s license?
  • Who dumped that old washing machine in your back yard?
  • How many children do you have anyhow?
  • Could I borrow your lawn mower?
  • When’s your next high school reunion?
  • But what will you do with your old couch?
  • I hear they are going union down at the factory.
  • I knew your sister Norma Jean before she settled down.
  • Nice dog you got there – is it friendly?
  • Read any good books lately?
  • What’s cooking that stinks — turnip greens?
  • What’s that boiler for out behind your shed?
  • You’re gonna do the right thing and marry her, aren’t you?
  • You sure have a lot of cats around here, don’t you?
  • What happened to the possum you ran over in the road?
  • Guess you knew hunting season has ended already?
  • Nice string of fish you have there – what’s the limit on bass?
  • Got any beer left?
  • That shotgun isn’t loaded is it?
  • Why do you have a pool table in your kitchen?
  • Is that auto transmission in the bathtub?
  • Do any of these TV’s work?
  • I know a guy that will tow those junk cars for you.
  • Did you know somebody recorded wrestling on your TV?
  • What’s that big number 3 on your hat for?

Hope this provides some insight into the redneck culture and helps you learn to mind your manners and your own business when you’re on another’s turf. If you know better than to use annoying statements in polite redneck company – congratulations! We are proud of you for understanding so well.

If you hang around here long enough shooting the breeze, you are well on the way to becoming just like we are. Thank you for visiting, and please don’t trip over the spittoon on your way out.

©2003
Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

The Air Show

Posted on June 3, 2016 by Sheila Moss

IMG_0033By now everyone has heard about the disaster, how one of the beloved Blue Angels crashed and burned during practice for a show right here in my hometown. The entire town is devastated and anticipation has turned to grief . Many people here are retired military who served at the former air field where the show is held and the community has a special bond with flying. The following is a column I wrote years ago that shows the excitement we feel about our air show. I offer it in tribute to Captain Jeff Kuss.  The air show is still on this year, but our favorite team will not fly. God bless the Blue Angels who  provide public relations and recruiting for our military as they serve our country.

————-

Every year about this time, it happens – the air show!  I don’t know exactly what it is about air shows, but somehow they seem to strike a nerve of excitement.  Something about those loops, barrels, and Cuban eights just makes me come alive!

I use to never go to the air show, even though it was right here in my hometown.  Then one year, I decided to go.  I loved it! I was hooked. Now I can hardly wait for the air show to come.

Yep, I’d risk almost anything for a good air show – sunburn, crowds, major traffic jams, rain threat – nothing can deter me.  I’ve become almost a pro at watching   I’ve learned how to get my tickets the day before the show, to take my own snacks and water to avoid the extraordinary prices charged by the vendors, to be sure to remember the sunscreen, and to take my lawn chair.  I have a special hat to wear to keep the sun off my head, big enough to do the job but with a small brim so the view in the sky is not obstructed. And of course, bring those sunglasses.

The pro watcher always starts early to allow for the lineup of traffic going into the show.  After  arriving, I take my lawn chair, go immediately to the front and sit it up right at the rope for the best view. Once I stake my claim to a prime spot, I am free to wander.

While I wait for the show, I can visit a few of the static exhibits. Look at all those dials on the dash.  Wonder what they are all for?  Might even sit in the cockpit of a plane and pretend I am getting ready to take off for the wild blue yonder.  I can talk to some of the staff that fly the planes and make some great pictures standing by the planes.

The flying, of course, is what I am here for.  It is never a disappointment.  I don’t have to know a thing about planes or the military to enjoy the amazing spectacle and realize the skill involved as they trail smoke, loop, dive, and do hammerheads.

Of course, the best shows are when one of the big groups comes:  The Thunderbirds, the Snowbirds, or the Blue Angels.  All others pale in comparison to the thrills they provide for the crowd.  Some people can distinguish a favorite. I have trouble doing this.  They are each so incredible in their skill and precision that there are not enough superlatives to describe the demonstration they give.

So, the air show is coming again this year.  I will get tired, and bit sunburned, and have trouble trying to wind down.  It’s a great show!  Wish you all could be here!

Copyright 1998 – 2016 Sheila Moss

Posted in Entertainment, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

The Laws for Offices

Posted on June 2, 2016 by Sheila Moss

office

It occurred to me when the computer was down, the phone ringing off the hook, and I was trying to send a FAX that wouldn’t go through, that there must unseen forces governing offices and creating laws of probability to make us crazy. We don’t know how these rules work exactly, but they seem to reoccur in such a regular pattern that it is hard to believe that it is not more than mere coincidence.

  • If your day is going well, don’t check your email.
  • The better you do your work, the more work you will be given to do.
  • Nothing can ever be done in the amount of time allotted to do it.
  • Time management is another of the tasks that you don’t have time to complete.
  • The more you need a supply item, the greater the probability it was discontinued.
  • The closer the deadline gets, the more complicated the project becomes.
  • If you suggest a good idea, you will be put in charge of implementing it.
  • Your report is never so good that it can’t be improved.
  • Computers will only calculate the information you give them.
  • A four-day week with a holiday is longer than a five-day week.
  • If you take a day off, the work will multiply until you get back.
  • The right decision and the wrong decision are both better than indecision.
  • There is nothing more satisfying than a job well done – except one assigned to someone else.
  • If you make a coffee ring on a document, it will always be an essential reference item.
  • Meetings are a waste of time – but an approved and essential waste of time.
  • When everyone understands policy, it’s time to change it.
  • If you want to get a task done, you have to do it instead of talking about how to get it done.
  • The more details in directions, the greater the likelihood they will not be understood.
  • If someone sends email to keep from calling, they will call to see if the email was received.
  • An error is never noticed until after the email is sent.
  • Technology will create as many problems as it solves.
  • A stapler always jams and runs out of staples at the same time.
  • When everyone understand the new computer software, it will be upgraded.
  • Any organized chronological filing system can be fouled up with two word – alphabetize it.
  • Nothing gets done as fast as it does on the day before going on vacation.
  • The telephone will ring most when you are totally absorbed with something else.
  • The primary function of office workers is to ensure that paperwork is never completed.
  • The easy jobs always end up taking more time than the difficult ones.
  • After everything is done, we will still worry about whether we’ve done everything.
  • The computers worked better before they were upgraded.
  • Never say anything in an email that you do not want forwarded all over the office.
  • The more important a fax, the greater the probability that it will not go through.
  • No matter how busy someone is, they always have time for lunch and smoke breaks.
  • Problems always develop at the end of the day, never at the beginning.
  • The day you have a lunch appointment will always be the day you can’t get away.
  • Projects are never cancelled until they are nearly completed.
  • If you misplace it, you will need it; if you find it, you will forget what you needed it for.
  • If it’s been a great week, something important didn’t get done.
  • When all else fails, remember you can fix any machine by turning it off.
  • If you wait until the last minute to run copies, the copy machine will always jam.
  • Your pen will quit writing when you are taking down an important phone number.
  • Documents always make more sense before being revised than afterwards.
  • You will only find an easy solution after spending all day doing it the hard way.
©2004

Did I miss anything?

Posted in Humor, Work Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Attack of the Butterfly

Posted on June 1, 2016 by Sheila Moss

mothIt soared past me like a bat from hell. “What is that?” I thought. I had just finished pumping gas and was climbing back into my car. Before I could close the door, the monstrous butterfly flew in behind me and executed a ten-point landing on the armrest between seats.

“That’s the biggest butterfly I’ve ever seen,” I thought. No way am I closing the door with that thing in my car…”Shoo!” The butterfly was oblivious to me. “Look, I don’t take hitchhikers!” I spewed. It didn’t leave.

I climbed out, leaving the car door open. Maybe it simply needed a bit of gentle encouragement to direct it to the door. I couldn’t bring myself to touch it. Of course, I couldn’t find a thing in the car to swat it with except an old church bulletin. I attempted to nudge it toward the open door, but it only moved to a spot further away from me where I couldn’t reach it.

“I’ll open the hatchback and maybe it will fly out. Get, bug!” It bared its fangs at me. Okay, maybe it was antenna, but it sure looked like fangs.

I went to the other door and opened it, the better to swat at the bug. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to kill it, just to get rid of it. The church bulletin was a pretty flimsy weapon, but I nudged it again. Apparently, it was not impressed by the schedule of upcoming church events, because it still refused to leave.

“This is getting ridiculous!” It must like sports cars. Why else would anyone prefer to drive instead of flying? I briefly considered throwing it the car keys, and saying, “Take it, the tank is full.” No one will ever believe I was carjacked by a bug with a fear of flying.

I was beginning to get that helpless female feeling that I hate, but tried to devise a plan. Tear gas? Mace? 911? I don’t think so. About that time a knight in shinning armor came out of the gas station. Okay, it was only a guy in a T-shirt and jeans who had paid for his gas and was headed for his pickup truck. Who says knights have to wear armor these days?

I appealed to his macho side. “Are you afraid of bugs?” I yelled around the gas pump.

He looked at me dumbly, and shook his head “no.” Big mistake.

“Would you mind getting this bug out of my car?” I asked, not mentioning that a moth the size of Count Dracula was lurking behind the passenger seat.

He came over to investigate, armor clinking. Apparently the moth, butterfly, or whatever it was, sensed I was bringing in reinforcements and decided to retreat. With a swish and flutter of wings, it suddenly took flight and shot out the door right past Lancelot’s face. He ducked and we watched in wonder as the moth did a hammerhead and several double loops before it streaked away into the wild blue yonder. I half expected it to leave a trail of smoke behind.

“Well, guess you don’t have to do anything after all” I said. He seemed relieved to be excused from duty.

I quickly slammed my car doors and sped away, keeping an eye on the rearview mirror for a butterfly with fangs coming up behind me at 80 mph. So far that is the last I’ve seen of the thing, though.

The butterfly is probably back at the cocoon right now telling his mate what a bad day he had and how he is late getting home from work because he accidentally flew into the car of a crazy lady who assaulted him with a church bulletin.

© 2003 Sheila Moss

For some reason, I seem to have a lot of insect encounters. Bugs of all sorts seem to conspire to annoy me. How about you? Are any bugs bugging you lately?

Posted in Creatures, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Mid Life Crisis

Posted on May 31, 2016 by Sheila Moss

sunsetwoman

Middle age is when you first suspect your body of betrayal..

Middle age is when everyone else suddenly becomes younger.

Middle age is when you refuse a senior discount because you’re not old enough.

Middle age is when you’d rather take a nap than go out on the town.

Middle age is when you realize there’s not much time left to worry about getting old.

Middle age is when you’ve already seen more than you want to — several times.

Middle age is when the opposite sex doesn’t seem quite as sexy anymore.

Middle age is when you notice how small the fine print is.

Middle age is when you’ve done it all, but can’t remember if you had fun doing it.

Middle age is when you get a sneaking suspicion that you might be mortal too.

Middle age is when it seems like there’s a lot more to remember than there use to be.

Middle age is when you decide to buy that red sports car before its too late.

Middle age is when you can’t see how to find your eyeglasses.

Middle age is when you’d like to have an affair, but you don’t have the time or energy.

Middle age is when the chiropractor becomes your best friend.

Middle age is when your dog and your children forget who you are.

Middle age is when you decide the bathroom mirror is a liar.

Middle age is when you’re positive you still remember sex.

©1998 Sheila Moss
Posted in Health, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

Vacation at Home

Posted on May 30, 2016 by Sheila Moss

homeIt is not always necessary to go some place else to have a vacation. A vacation at home can provide a chance to relax and unwind, give you an opportunity to catch up on things you need to do, and save you a ton of money on food, gas, and motel bills. Here are a few helpful suggestions from my personal experience:

Since you are home anyhow, it’s a perfect time to take the car to the dealer for routine maintenance. Pay $382.46 for the defective valve they find – $382 for labor and 46 cents for the part.

Make a dental appointment for that tooth that’s been nagging you. Bill is a mere $565 and dental crown falls off as soon as you get home.

Send daughter on camping trip for an inexpensive getaway weekend. Pay $20 for camping fee, $40 for white water rafting and $229 for incidentals.

Vacation is a good chance to have minor home repairs done while you can be there. Learn that the living room floor has rotted and front door needs to be replaced.

Call the termite inspector. Find out you have termites in spite of the $900 termite treatment you had last year.

Call lawn service to trim the shrubs. Find out the owner has gone on vacation for three weeks.

Call six times about getting screens repaired and leave six voice mail messages. Contractor calls to say he will come Thursday or Friday, not sure what time – be at home.

Get a bid on having the house painted. After looking over the job, painter does NOT submit a bid. Get another bid on having the house painted. After you hear the price, you wish the second painter had not submitted a bid either.

Withdraw your entire savings account and give it to various service and repair people. If there is any money left, flush it down the toilet where the rest of your bank account went.

Look forward to spending some free time for rest and relaxation. Wake up in the morning with a raging sore throat and stuffed up head. Go to local convenience clinic to get sore throat treated. Find that it is a virus that will last 3-5 days, exactly the amount of vacation you have left.

Vow to forget your problems and plan a day of fun at the local spring festival. Find out your partner has been called in to work overtime on Saturday.

Go to bed since you are sick, tired, and can’t afford to do anything else. Just as you fall asleep, the contractor shows up to fix the screens.

Go back to work and rejoice that your vacation is finally over and you can get some rest. Vow that next year you will go to Disney World, as it is much cheaper and less stressful than staying at home.

-0-

What’s your idea of a great vacation? What is the best vacation you have ever had?

©2003

Posted in Home, Humor | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments