The Camera Phone Photo

Posted on May 17, 2016 by Sheila Moss

babySome people will have a hard time believing this but I am old enough to be a grandma. In fact, I just became a grandma again with the birth of my granddaughter. Now a new grandchild is a pretty exciting thing. She came three weeks early in the middle of the night, but I could hardly wait to get the hospital the next day to see her.

I was trying to remember everything I wanted to take, the potted plant for my daughter-in-law, and the picture album with pictures from the baby shower that I had intended to take before the baby came, but didn’t.

It wasn’t until we were almost to the hospital that I realized that I had forgotten the most important thing – my camera.

Not to worry, says my honey, he has his cell phone. He knew that it would come in good for something one of these days. Men love gadgets.

“But, you can’t take good pictures,” I nagged.

“Well, you don’t have any other choice,” he retorted. Good point.

So we went in to see the new granddaughter who was, of course, the cutest baby in the hospital. We didn’t check out any of the other babies, but we didn’t need to as I can attest with grandparental certainty that no other baby could possibly have been as attractive as our own.

Grandma was thrilled because she got to hold the small bundle of joy. I think the baby likes me already because she stopped fussing when I held her. Of course, Honey had to hold her too. He was certain that she liked him the best. Fat chance!

cell phoneSo where was this phone? I needed a picture of this precious child to send to the relatives. First picture, he cut off the top of her head. I knew he couldn’t take pictures. Second try was a picture of his finger. Several more shots that didn’t come out but were not his fault because, “She moved.” He finally managed to make a decent picture.

We said our farewells and left empty handed except for the picture on the phone. When we got home, I asked honey to email the picture to my computer so I could see it again and email it to the relatives in other cities.

He piddled with the phone for a while and couldn’t remember my email address. More piddling and he couldn’t get it to send. Finally, I gave up and went to bed. He was still fooling with the phone. Just as I was falling asleep he announced proudly, “I sent it! It will be in your email tomorrow.” “Good,” I mumbled as I turned over and fell back asleep.

The next morning I checked my email and the picture wasn’t there. “Where’s the picture?”

“Well, I sent it,” he replied defensively.

If it hasn’t made it overnight I sort of doubt that it’s coming. Why do I have a feeling that he didn’t get my email address right?

“Maybe you could resend it.” I suggested. He got out the phone.

“There is something wrong with it. It won’t turn on.”

Naturally, the stupid phone would pick this very moment in time to go haywire. I really hate gadgets.

“I’ll go to the phone center tonight and get it checked,” he said. The phone center couldn’t fix it either, naturally, so the company is sending a new phone. The picture is supposedly still on the computer chip, but I doubt that we will ever see that picture of my granddaughter while she was still in the hospital.

All that technology, and I still don’t have a picture. I have a feeling that if I depend on his phone, she will probably be in college before I get one.

©2004 Sheila Moss

 

Posted in Humor, Technology | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Of Boys and Red Balloons

Posted on May 16, 2016 by Sheila Moss

balloon

It all started when I walked in and found that the store had sprouted a forest of helium balloons overnight. I was an easy mark and quickly joined the hoards of impulse buyers. Who could resist the shinny, dancing globes?

“I must have one,” I thought. “No, I must have two, one for each of my grandchildren.” I felt rather silly in the checkout line with two balloons floating over my basket, but after all, the balloons were for sale. How else could you buy one?

I’ve never been able to figure out just how they get the helium in those silvery mylar balloons. They then seal them closed and fasten them to the string with a plastic clip. The balloons are then anchored with a plastic disk on the opposite end of the string, making them too heavy to float away if the young owner lets go of the string.

The balloons floated around cheerfully in the car as I drove home. One was bright metallic red and the other was pink with X’s and O’s decorating it. They were so pretty I was almost sorry I didn’t get one for myself.

My granddaughter is only five months old, and I knew this would be her first balloon. Babies like looking at bright objects. I knew she would become excited when she saw it and smile her toothless smile.

“Who are those balloons for?” asked my grandson when I drove up in the driveway, already anticipating my answer.

“One is for you and one is for your baby cousin.”

“Can I have the red one?” He eagerly claimed his prize and I went inside the house. It was hardly any time at all until I heard screams of anguish. Oh, no, what’s wrong? I went to check and found my grandson holding an empty string and looking skyward. The string had come loose from the balloon and it had zoomed away to freedom in the upper stratosphere. He sobbed helplessly as he watched it go higher and higher.

Promises were made to replace the balloon with another just like it. After all, it wasn’t his fault that the balloon detached itself from the string. Another trip to the store, another balloon purchase, and smiles were restored. Unbelievably, however, the second balloon also failed to survive. It too escaped its string and a second balloon went to eternity before
making it inside the house.

“This is getting ridiculous,” said my daughter holding up the two empty strings. “I’m going to complain.” She took the empty strings and my grandson, and shortly thereafter came home with yet another balloon. “They replaced it because it was defective,” she said, “but the sales person had a hard time not laughing.”

Since the balloon was replaced for free, my grandson had decided to upgrade to a Scooby-Doo balloon, slightly larger, and slightly more expensive. Little did I know that balloon buying was going to become a full-time affair.

We finally learned that a balloon string is not to be trusted. Scooby-Doo was held by the balloon instead of the string until he was safely in the house. Two lost balloons are enough for one day.

For some odd reason my granddaughter’s pink balloon was fine. It seems that only red balloons are defective. Maybe it’s something in their genes that make them restless.

If you should see a shiny red balloon floating in the clouds, please wave as it passes by. It is an escape artist that has renounced its home to wander the world and explore high places.

One day the grandchildren will also break their strings and go off into the world to find a life of their own.

Maybe the loss of a balloon is not such a big thing after all. However, from now on I think I’ll just stick to buying clothes, books, and teddy bears.

Balloons are way too complicated.

©2005 Sheila Moss

 

NOTE: Has anyone else had a bad experience with balloons, or is it just me?

Posted in Family, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Dumbness Survey

Posted on May 15, 2016 by Sheila Moss

cabin

According to an article in the local paper, southern states are some of the dumbest states, ranking in the bottom 10 of 50 states in a survey about education.

Oh, please! Do we really need a survey to tell us how dumb we are? Actually, we have always done a pretty good job of maintaining our reputation of stupid good ol’ boys and gals without any survey folks from Kansas sticking their noses into it.

It seems that the way these surveys measure dumbness is by how much money a state spends on public and secondary education. Tennessee was on the bottom of the pile according to the percentage spent per amount of personal income, ranking all the way at the bottom.

Maine, Yankee territory for sure, is deemed to be the smartest state because they spend more money than any other state on education. Now to my way of thinking at least, it just might be that it takes more to money to educate a hardheaded Yankee, but they didn’t even consider that possibility.

If you spend a whole bunch of money per pupil on education, it just stands to reason that students will learn more according to most people’s logic. If the three R’s are any indicator, the survey folks may be right since we are near the bottom on two of the three R’s and low on the other R.

Money spent on education, however, is certainly not the only indicator of how dumb or smart a population is. There are so many other factors to consider with education, for example, teacher dedication, innate learning ability, motivation to learn and parent’s involvement in education, to mention a few.

Some folks seem to think the way to measure dumbness of the South is not by the amount of money spent on education, but by other things, such as the amount of personal income spent on pickup trucks, the ratio of people vs. coon dogs, whether people listen to country music or public radio, or even how many people still have their natural teeth.

Now for those of you who are laughing up your sleeve, don’t laugh too loud. There were four other southern states in the bottom ten keeping Tennessee company: Mississippi, Louisiana, Oklahoma and Alabama. You are probably nodding your head in agreement that these states are pretty dumb too.

Well, explain this. Western states also turned out as pretty dumb with California, New Mexico, and Arizona also apparently spending less on education than their eastern counterparts. The other two, and last of the cheap spenders in our bottom ten list, are Alaska and Hawaii.

Remember, we are not talking about total amount of money spent here, but the amount spent relative to personal income. Unfortunately, there is only so much money in the pot and sometimes states choose to spend it on other needs, such as healthcare for the residents or social services. Does that really make us as dumb as the survey would suggest or merely indicate that some states have other priorities or necessities?

Besides, even if we are dumb, so what? The South has lived with this image for long that we have learned to capitalize on it and make it into an asset. Fact is the redneck image, car racing, football and the country music industry are some of our biggest assets, bringing in big bucks to the new South.

We have learned to do more with less. Great strides have been made in economic development, industries love our lower taxes, and Yankees just can’t seem to leave the cold North and move to the sunny South fast enough.

I think we are just not quite as dumb as some surveys would have people believe.

©2004 Sheila Moss

 

Posted in Education, Southern Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

The Creation

Posted on May 14, 2016 by Sheila Moss

planet-earth-140146566849B

1. In the beginning there was no Internet, no World Wide Web, not even email – nothing – just God.

2. The world was without an Information Highway, so God said, “Let there be computers!”

3. God divided the “on” switches and the “off” switches and the first computer was created. He called it Univac, and God saw that it was good.

4. And so the Computer Age began.. this was the end of the first day.

5. Then God said, “Let all the data I have created be gathered together under one operating system and let it be called DOS”…and it was so. DOS was the second day.

6. Then…God tried to write programs in DOS and He said, “Let there be something better than this!” And an Apple appeared…and it was so. The Apple was the third day of computing.

7. Then God said let every computer bring forth fruit after its own kind and the Apple brought forth the Macintosh while Microsoft brought forth Windows…and God saw that it was good.

8. And God set them to rule in cyberspace to spread technology over the face of the earth, and God saw that it was good. This was the end of the fourth day.

9. Then God said, “Let computers bring forth data to fly thru cyberspace and above the earth and in the open firmament of heaven.”

10. And God created the Internet so that all computers would be linked together. This was the fifth day of creation.

11. Then God made AOL to have dominion over the Internet and every web crawler that searched upon the face of the earth.

12. And God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth with search engines.”

13. And God said, “Behold what I have given you. Every computer is linked which is upon the face of the earth – Microsoft and Apple (which is the fruit of the earth). To you it shall give information.”

14. And the World Wide Web, and Google, and Internet Explorer and every programming language and every web browser and every search engine I have given…and it was so.

15. Then God saw everything that He had made and behold it was very good – and this was only the sixth day!

16. Thus the computer was created by God (not Charles Babbage, Bill Gates, or Steve Jobs) and on the 7th day God let the computers start doing the work and He rested. 

©1998 Sheila Moss

 

NOTE: Do you recall your first computer or experience with the world wide web or were you simply born into the computer age and didn’t give it a second thought?

 

Posted in Humor, Technology | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Pushing Your Luck

Posted on May 13, 2016 by Sheila Moss

blackcat

Be sure not to miss it.

Miss what?

The party — the Friday the 13th party. Leave your four-leaf-clover, rabbit foot, and lucky penny at home and don’t worry about that black cloud that is following you around.

 Who ever heard of having a party for Friday the 13th? After all, why invite bad luck if you don’t have to? But, what could be more fun that celebrating Friday the 13th to show there is no luck, good or bad, associated with the day.

Some people just can’t miss an opportunity to show that they are not superstitious, even though believing that Friday the 13th is unlucky is one of the most common superstitions in the United States.

You are not superstitious, are you?

Good, then you will not mind walking under a ladder to get to the party, or even walking under three ladders if you have to. Some people believe that the number three is unlucky and that bad things come in threes, especially when three unlucky events happen close together.

It will be a great party, even though the black cat may run across the path of every person there. Thank goodness, like you, they are not superstitious as a black cat crossing your path is a sure sign of bad luck to come.

Guests will bring umbrellas and open them inside. Umbrellas are really for outside and not needed where it isn’t raining. Furthermore, opening an umbrella inside is a insult to the Egyptian sun god.

Salt will be spilled liberally as everyone knows that spilled salt will bring bad luck. There are ways to break the spell, but that would be superstitious, and you are not superstitious, are you?

Guests are invited to put their shoes on the table. Do I need to say why? I guess we will all die at some point but hopefully that will be too far in the distant future to result from shoes on the table.

If you are here, you will noticed that all the mirrors are covered. That is because they are cracked and might steal your soul if you look into them. Breaking a mirror is one of the worse possible curses and brings seven years of bad luck to those unlucky enough to believe in superstition.

There will be thirteen guests. Twelve is an even number and creates order while thirteen is unlucky and brings discord, but only if you are superstitious, of course.

It might be difficult for people to avoid stepping on the cracks which are pretty much everywhere. Hopefully, no backs will be broken in the process. If you are not superstitious, I’m sure you know why. Maybe you could call your mother and check, just in case.

The windows will be open in case a bird might want to fly in and bring some bad luck with it. Don’t let it land on your bed or you may not make it until the party ends before impending doom overtakes you.

If your lottery ticket doesn’t win, it is nothing new and you can’t blame it on bad luck, just on chance not working out for you this time. Winning the lottery is always merely chance and luck has nothing to do with it, unless you are superstitious.

When you leave the party be sure to walk out the door where the horseshoe is turned upside down so any possible luck will spill out, and you will be left with none at all. Don’t break a leg when you do.

If you miss this opportunity to prove you are not superstitious, don’t feel bad. Friday the 13th will come again in January and you will have another chance to dance with the devil if you dare.

How unlucky can you get?

©2013 Sheila Moss

Are you superstitious? I’ve actually heard of parties to celebrate Friday the 13th. Would you go to such a party, or is that pushing your luck a bit too far?

 

Posted in Creatures, Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The Makeover

Posted on May 12, 2016 by Sheila Moss

haircolorOne of a lady’s most important attributes, in spite of what people might say, is her hair. That’s right, and I proved it again this week.

As some of you may remember, I had a birthday a few weeks ago, conveniently followed by Mother’s Day. Apparently, I’ve become impossible to buy for, which means all the thoughtful people in my life gave me department store gift cards.

Last weekend, I decided to have a “me” weekend. What that means is I spent most of the weekend on self-improvement.

Besides, all those gift cards were burning a hold in my proverbial pocket, and I was just itching to shop. They were mostly from the high-class department stores, places where I can’t afford to shop normally.

I couldn’t believe how expensive clothes are! I managed to find several nice outfits, but my preliminary vision of six outfits quickly shrank to a more realistic three, even though I went straight to the sale racks.

After trying on half the ladies wear department, I actually found several things that I could get into and that didn’t make me look too fat. I felt very glamorous with my new duds.

If this wasn’t enough, I received a call that my new glasses had finally arrived. I’ve been wearing an old pair, slightly lopsided, while waiting for them. I went down to the vision center and picked up my eyewear. They are the fashionable new ones with no rims. I was really getting classy now.

Since it was a “me” weekend, I had also intended to do my hair and cover the dark roots that were trying to show. At Wal-Mart, I found a bottle of hair color for $2.98 and decided to try it instead of the high priced stuff I usually get since being brainwashed by commercials. I selected a slightly darker shade than usual, thinking maybe the roots would blend in and touch ups would not need to be so often.

I used the new color and it was perfectly fine, in fact I think I like it better that the old shade. I was also getting tired of my curly look, my hair was getting longer and wouldn’t do right, and I didn’t have time to make an appointment to get it cut. So, I decide to dig out the old king-sized hot rollers and go for a straighter look.

I finished off with a manicure and pedicure for summer when toenails are peeking out of sandals. Yes, I was definitely looking chic, I thought. I could hardly wait for Monday morning to show off my new self.

When I walked in the office, I was greeting with, “Your hair is different!” Well, obviously that was true, but what about my new dress? See, it came from the swanky department store at the mall.

Everywhere I went it was the same, a stare and then a sudden moment of recognizing with the words I was soon braced to hear, “Your hair is different!” All agreed that it looked really nice, which meant must have been worse before than I thought.

“Your hair is different! Is that a wig?” Of all the nerve!

My dress, notice my dress. Isn’t it pretty? No one did. My glasses, notice my glasses. I went broke at the vision center paying for them! Only one person noticed and that was only after she commented on my hair several times.

All week long it’s been the very same thing, “Your hair is different,” “You hair is darker,” “Your hair looks nice,” “I like your hair.” While I’m happy that everyone is complimenting my $2.98 makeover, It sure would be great if one – just one person – would notice my fashionable new dresses.

And so, as I said to start with, a ladies’ most important attribute is her hair. No one notices anything else at all.

©2004 Sheila Moss

NOTE: Do you like it when people make comments about your appearance, or would you rather they just keep opinions to themselves?

Posted in Fashion, Humor, Work Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Rain Rain Go Away

Posted on May 11, 2016 by Sheila Moss

umbrella

I woke up this morning and heard the rain. “It’s pouring,” I thought, half asleep. The sound of the rain is louder than the sound of the alarm clock. I turned over in bed and put the pillow over my head, knowing that sooner or later I will have to get up, but hoping that it is only a dream. A little rain is okay, but three days in a row is more than I need or want.

I turn on the weather channel to get a forecast. Why is the television radar always in slow motion? They need to put it in fast forward so that this rain front will move through more quickly. Flash flood warnings are scrolling across the screen. Rivers and streams just don’t want to stay in their banks when the rain keeps pouring down like this.

You know it’s a bad morning when the weatherman doesn’t make it to work.

I manage to drag myself out of bed and get ready for work, rain or no rain. I hope for the best, prepare for the worst and wonder if I should pack a bathing suit and snorkel in my lunch bag. I dig out my raincoat and can’t find my umbrella, then remember I left it in the car. That figures. If I had a motorboat I could probably get to work faster and beat the traffic too.

Traffic will be terrible this morning. I don’t know why it is that people seem to panic when there is rain. Traffic crawls. I vaguely wonder how long a car will float before it sinks. My wiper blades could really use a re-tread. I reach for my cup of coffee and turn it over on the seat. What a mess, but I have to keep both hands on the wheel before that eight-wheeler in the passing lane throws water on the windshield and blows me off the road.

There is never any parking on a morning like this. I should have stayed home from work to fish in that lake that formed in my back yard last night. I drive round and round in the parking garage. It seems that everybody wants to park in the garage on a day like this, even the amateurs. Some idiot stops in front of me and starts backing up. Where am I supposed to go? There are cars behind me! I give ’em a beep and their car springs forward like a jackrabbit. I feel a bit guilty. Horns sure sound loud in the parking garage.

I park and get out of the car, collecting my possessions as I watch the garage elevator fill up with people and leave. That means a long wait until it returns. I hurry to push the button again. Other people gather, impatiently waiting. We are too far from the ground level to consider stairs. Finally, the elevator comes and we all crowd on, damp, miserable and thrilled to be at work.

Rain comes down in torrents as I start my walk to the office building. I pop my umbrella open and notice I’m out of style with my old news print umbrella. Thanks to the Titans, blue and white stripes seem to be the new umbrella fashion color of choice. You’d think there would be more newsprint umbrellas. With this sort of weather it is worth subscribing to the local paper to get an umbrella for free.

Where is the handsome man that always comes along in the rain in the movies and helps the lady across the street with his huge umbrella, before he invites her to have a cup of coffee? No Prince Charming for me, just a city bus to dodge before it sends a sheet of water cascading over the curb. Dumb bus driver! I dodge puddles trying to keep the water out of my shoes while struggling to keep at least the top of my head dry with my out-of-fashion umbrella.

Slick floors in the building, wet people with dripping coats and umbrellas slide into the elevators. If a wet T-shirt contest breaks out in the office, we’ll be ready. I sure hope this dismal weather doesn’t last forever. This isn’t rain – it’s a gully washer. I’m so wet it would take a pretzel machine to wring me out.

I can’t even remember life before rain. I somehow feel as if it will never quit. I only pray that the animals are not beginning to gather someplace two by two.

©2002 Sheila Moss

How’s the weather in your part of the country?

Posted in Humor, Weather, Work Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The Supply Order

Posted on May 10, 2016 by Sheila Moss

questions

This article is based on an actual incident.

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – Our printer cartridge has died. Could we please order a new one? The number is JS334455.

To: employee@admn.tn.gov – I’ve never heard of that number? Is it generic? What kind of printer do you have?

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – It is a Lexmark W828. The cartridges are in the supply catalog.

To: employee@admn.tn.gov – The first number you sent me was the printer’s inventory number. That’s another department. If you need something out of our catalog, you will need to fill out the supply warehouse online order form and submit it.

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – What order form? Where is it?

To: employee@admn.tn.gov – It is located on the website under Supply Warehouse. Do you even have an account? If you do not have an account with us, you will have to set up an account and get an authorization code before you can order.

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. The person who issues authorization codes was sick yesterday and no one else could help me as it is not in their job description. Could someone else order it for me using their code – just to tide us over? We are desperate!

To: employee@admn.tn.gov – That is not correct procedure. Having someone else order for you will cause it to be delivered to the wrong place and to be charged to the wrong account. It will have to be reshipped at extra expense. It is easier and faster to do it right.

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – WE CAN’T PRINT!!!

To: employee@admn.tn.gov – That is not our problem. You should have anticipated that you would need a cartridge and ordered it last month before you ran out.

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – I have set up an account and ordered the cartridge. It has been a week. Where is it?

To: employee@admn.tn.gov – You are only allowed to order on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. You sent your order on Thursday. You will need to reorder on the correct day for your authorization code. If it is an emergency, fill out a procurement form and send it to the procurement unit with a memo from your supervisor.

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – The procurement unit said they only order supplies that are unavailable from the warehouse. Besides, I can only order from procurement on the first week of the month unless I have an emergency memo from my supervisor who is on retreat. They said it would be probably be faster to just wait until Monday and order from you.

To: employee@admn.tn.gov – If you have a complaint, contact personnel. We are not responsible for that department.

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – I have reordered the cartridge on the correct day of the week using the correct form and correct authorization number. It has been another week. Where is the cartridge?

To: employee@admn.tn.gov – We are currently out of stock. You should have ordered it sooner. You will need to reorder when we have these cartridges in stock. Try procurement.

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – Procurement??? I’ve TRIED procurement! I’ve also tried to borrow one, but nobody in the whole government has a printer like ours. Leave it to the state government to make getting a printer cartridge a month long ordeal!

To: employee@admn.tn.gov – Maybe you should consider getting a different printer.

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – In the unlikely event that you ever get any more cartridges in stock, would you please deliver one if it is the right day of the week, the right time of the moon, someone else does not order ahead of me, the ordering procedure has not changed, my authorization number is still in effect, my supervisor is here to sign a memo, and I have not yet been committed to a institution for the mentally insane.

By the way, we are out of toilet paper. How can I get more?

©2004 Sheila Moss

This article is based on an actual incident. Has anything similar happened to you?

Posted in Work Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Mocking Mouse

Posted on May 9, 2016 by Sheila Moss

mouse

Day 1 – My daughter went out to the garage and came inside screaming. “A mouse, a MOUSE! There’s a mouse in the garage. It ran right past my feet.” It seems that the garage door doesn’t fit very tight, and a tiny mouse can squeeze though a crack the size of a pencil.

Day 2 – “I saw it again! It has three or four babies and they all ran under the washing machine.” Okay, it’s time to quit messing around and to get down to some serious mouse catching. Soon the traps are set and baited with cheese.

Day 3 – The cheese is gone. The mouse is not. The mouse wins. “Okay, mouse, think you are smart, huh? OUCH!” The trap springs on my daughter’s finger. The mouse scores again.

Day 4 – We set the trap again, and again the mouse gets the cheese. That’s Mouse 3 – Humans – 0 – if you are keeping score. We are being out-maneuvered by a rodent with a brain the size of a pea.

Day 5 – Why don’t we just throw the cat out in the garage and let it earn its keep? An hour later we check and the cat is hiding behind a bag of concrete, terrorized. “What’s the big idea? Don’t you know there are mice out here!”

“Okay, come back inside, cat.” What a worthless furball. So, the cat strikes out and the mouse scores again.

Day 6 – “Use peanut butter,” advise my friends. So, my daughter smears peanut all over the trap. No way can that mouse eat all the peanut butter and not get caught. But next morning, the trap is licked clean. Not a speck of peanut butter is left and the trap is not sprung. We are obviously running a mouse buffet. Mouse 5 – Humans – 0 -.

What should we do? Use poison? But we have pets – what if the cat eats a poisoned mouse? As worthless as the stupid feline is, I don’t want to poison her.

“Use glue traps,” advise my friends. The idea is that the mouse gets stuck on the glue and can’t escape. According to the instructions on the box, the mouse can even be humanely released alive by holding the trap over a 5-gallon bucket and pouring vegetable oil to release it from the glue. They have got to be kidding!

I saw humane traps at the store. But what do you do with a live mouse after you catch it? If you turn it loose, if will come back. I refuse to put a live mouse in my car to take it away.

Day 7 – We declare WAR! We set out all four glue traps that were in the box. I am tired of running a Motel 8 for mice. The varmint has got to go! But somehow the mouse knows. It avoids the glue boards and is not caught. Mouse 6 – Humans – 0 -.

Day 8 – I’m at my wit’s end. I’ve never seen a mouse so smart. It should belong to Mensa. I am beginning to respect it for its intelligence and wonder if it deserves to survive. After all, it has a family.

“Can we catch it and keep it?” asks my grandson. But rodents are filthy. They carry disease and spread germs. They chew things up and destroy property. “Wait until you are older and we’ll get a gerbil,” I lie.

Day 9 – I wish this story had a happy ending. It does for the mouse, but not for the humans. Surely there is way to get rid of a super mouse with a 200 IQ. I suppose it will take an exterminator, a hired gun. There seems to be no other way to kill a mocking mouse.

The mouse is still at large, gleefully playing leapfrog over the glue boards, and no doubt laughing though its whiskers at the stupid humans who are trying to catch it. Humans – 0 – Mouse – Game.

©2004 Sheila Moss

What would you do to get rid of a rodent? Any suggestions appreciated.

Posted in Creatures, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Murphy’s Laws for Mothers

Posted on May 8, 2016 by Sheila Moss

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  1. Mothers only offer advice on two occasions, when you want it and when you don’t.
  2. A mother’s love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
  3. Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.
  4. Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won’t know either, but she will fake it.
  5. Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent.
  6. The more you try to stay on your mother’s good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is.
  7. The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten.
  8. If you can’t remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn’t.
  9. The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.
  10. If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don’t repeat them.
  11. Anything you do can be criticized by your mother – even doing nothing.
  12. Never criticize your mother’s cooking if you expect to get any more of it.
  13. If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.
  14. You can’t “out mother” your mother. Don’t even try.
  15. Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.
  16. The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.
  17. The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.
  18. All mother’s have a “How To” manual. That’s because they wrote the book.
  19. Mother’s way is best. If you don’t believe it, ask her.
  20. Everything is a good idea till you mother finds out and tells you why it isn’t.
  21. One mother is company, two is a psychic reading, three is a hen party, four is a bridge club.
  22. If you don’t have time to study the drivers’ manual, drive your mother somewhere and get a quick refresher course.
  23. When you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you remember what you wasted all your money on.
  24. The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer she will “save” it before she uses it.
  25. No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it against you.
  26. No matter how much you eat, you can never get so fat that mother will not offer you more food.
  27. If a mother does not have an item, she will have the recipe or the directions.
  28. The more times mother reminds you to take an umbrella, the greater the probability of rain.
  29. Accomplishments are made possible by your mother – failures are your own fault.
  30. Never forget who rocked you as a baby. That’s something else you will never be able to repay her for.
  31. Mother can always tell you a better way to do something after you’ve already done it.
  32. The longer it’s been since you cleaned house, the more likely it is that mother will visit.
  33. No matter how small your mom is, she will always be bigger than you are.
  34. The more you detest an item that belongs to your mother, the more likely it is that she will try to give it to you.
  35. If you do it yourself, mom could have done it better. If mom does it, you should have done it yourself.
  36. You never are as good as other people’s children. You are never as bad as mom imagines.
  37. The only thing more accurate than a mother’s advice is her memory of the times you didn’t take it.
  38. The funnier the joke is, the more likely mom will think it is dirty.
  39. Never tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always find something.
  40. If the job of a mother is going smoothly, she thinks she isn’t doing it well.
  41. There are always two sides to a story – the way it really happened and the way mother remembers it.
  42. Mothers always “know.” We don’t know how – they just do.
  43. Murphy’s mother told him so.

 

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