The Creation

Posted on May 14, 2016 by Sheila Moss

planet-earth-140146566849B

1. In the beginning there was no Internet, no World Wide Web, not even email – nothing – just God.

2. The world was without an Information Highway, so God said, “Let there be computers!”

3. God divided the “on” switches and the “off” switches and the first computer was created. He called it Univac, and God saw that it was good.

4. And so the Computer Age began.. this was the end of the first day.

5. Then God said, “Let all the data I have created be gathered together under one operating system and let it be called DOS”…and it was so. DOS was the second day.

6. Then…God tried to write programs in DOS and He said, “Let there be something better than this!” And an Apple appeared…and it was so. The Apple was the third day of computing.

7. Then God said let every computer bring forth fruit after its own kind and the Apple brought forth the Macintosh while Microsoft brought forth Windows…and God saw that it was good.

8. And God set them to rule in cyberspace to spread technology over the face of the earth, and God saw that it was good. This was the end of the fourth day.

9. Then God said, “Let computers bring forth data to fly thru cyberspace and above the earth and in the open firmament of heaven.”

10. And God created the Internet so that all computers would be linked together. This was the fifth day of creation.

11. Then God made AOL to have dominion over the Internet and every web crawler that searched upon the face of the earth.

12. And God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth with search engines.”

13. And God said, “Behold what I have given you. Every computer is linked which is upon the face of the earth – Microsoft and Apple (which is the fruit of the earth). To you it shall give information.”

14. And the World Wide Web, and Google, and Internet Explorer and every programming language and every web browser and every search engine I have given…and it was so.

15. Then God saw everything that He had made and behold it was very good – and this was only the sixth day!

16. Thus the computer was created by God (not Charles Babbage, Bill Gates, or Steve Jobs) and on the 7th day God let the computers start doing the work and He rested. 

©1998 Sheila Moss

 

NOTE: Do you recall your first computer or experience with the world wide web or were you simply born into the computer age and didn’t give it a second thought?

 

Posted in Humor, Technology | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Pushing Your Luck

Posted on May 13, 2016 by Sheila Moss

blackcat

Be sure not to miss it.

Miss what?

The party — the Friday the 13th party. Leave your four-leaf-clover, rabbit foot, and lucky penny at home and don’t worry about that black cloud that is following you around.

 Who ever heard of having a party for Friday the 13th? After all, why invite bad luck if you don’t have to? But, what could be more fun that celebrating Friday the 13th to show there is no luck, good or bad, associated with the day.

Some people just can’t miss an opportunity to show that they are not superstitious, even though believing that Friday the 13th is unlucky is one of the most common superstitions in the United States.

You are not superstitious, are you?

Good, then you will not mind walking under a ladder to get to the party, or even walking under three ladders if you have to. Some people believe that the number three is unlucky and that bad things come in threes, especially when three unlucky events happen close together.

It will be a great party, even though the black cat may run across the path of every person there. Thank goodness, like you, they are not superstitious as a black cat crossing your path is a sure sign of bad luck to come.

Guests will bring umbrellas and open them inside. Umbrellas are really for outside and not needed where it isn’t raining. Furthermore, opening an umbrella inside is a insult to the Egyptian sun god.

Salt will be spilled liberally as everyone knows that spilled salt will bring bad luck. There are ways to break the spell, but that would be superstitious, and you are not superstitious, are you?

Guests are invited to put their shoes on the table. Do I need to say why? I guess we will all die at some point but hopefully that will be too far in the distant future to result from shoes on the table.

If you are here, you will noticed that all the mirrors are covered. That is because they are cracked and might steal your soul if you look into them. Breaking a mirror is one of the worse possible curses and brings seven years of bad luck to those unlucky enough to believe in superstition.

There will be thirteen guests. Twelve is an even number and creates order while thirteen is unlucky and brings discord, but only if you are superstitious, of course.

It might be difficult for people to avoid stepping on the cracks which are pretty much everywhere. Hopefully, no backs will be broken in the process. If you are not superstitious, I’m sure you know why. Maybe you could call your mother and check, just in case.

The windows will be open in case a bird might want to fly in and bring some bad luck with it. Don’t let it land on your bed or you may not make it until the party ends before impending doom overtakes you.

If your lottery ticket doesn’t win, it is nothing new and you can’t blame it on bad luck, just on chance not working out for you this time. Winning the lottery is always merely chance and luck has nothing to do with it, unless you are superstitious.

When you leave the party be sure to walk out the door where the horseshoe is turned upside down so any possible luck will spill out, and you will be left with none at all. Don’t break a leg when you do.

If you miss this opportunity to prove you are not superstitious, don’t feel bad. Friday the 13th will come again in January and you will have another chance to dance with the devil if you dare.

How unlucky can you get?

©2013 Sheila Moss

Are you superstitious? I’ve actually heard of parties to celebrate Friday the 13th. Would you go to such a party, or is that pushing your luck a bit too far?

 

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The Makeover

Posted on May 12, 2016 by Sheila Moss

haircolorOne of a lady’s most important attributes, in spite of what people might say, is her hair. That’s right, and I proved it again this week.

As some of you may remember, I had a birthday a few weeks ago, conveniently followed by Mother’s Day. Apparently, I’ve become impossible to buy for, which means all the thoughtful people in my life gave me department store gift cards.

Last weekend, I decided to have a “me” weekend. What that means is I spent most of the weekend on self-improvement.

Besides, all those gift cards were burning a hold in my proverbial pocket, and I was just itching to shop. They were mostly from the high-class department stores, places where I can’t afford to shop normally.

I couldn’t believe how expensive clothes are! I managed to find several nice outfits, but my preliminary vision of six outfits quickly shrank to a more realistic three, even though I went straight to the sale racks.

After trying on half the ladies wear department, I actually found several things that I could get into and that didn’t make me look too fat. I felt very glamorous with my new duds.

If this wasn’t enough, I received a call that my new glasses had finally arrived. I’ve been wearing an old pair, slightly lopsided, while waiting for them. I went down to the vision center and picked up my eyewear. They are the fashionable new ones with no rims. I was really getting classy now.

Since it was a “me” weekend, I had also intended to do my hair and cover the dark roots that were trying to show. At Wal-Mart, I found a bottle of hair color for $2.98 and decided to try it instead of the high priced stuff I usually get since being brainwashed by commercials. I selected a slightly darker shade than usual, thinking maybe the roots would blend in and touch ups would not need to be so often.

I used the new color and it was perfectly fine, in fact I think I like it better that the old shade. I was also getting tired of my curly look, my hair was getting longer and wouldn’t do right, and I didn’t have time to make an appointment to get it cut. So, I decide to dig out the old king-sized hot rollers and go for a straighter look.

I finished off with a manicure and pedicure for summer when toenails are peeking out of sandals. Yes, I was definitely looking chic, I thought. I could hardly wait for Monday morning to show off my new self.

When I walked in the office, I was greeting with, “Your hair is different!” Well, obviously that was true, but what about my new dress? See, it came from the swanky department store at the mall.

Everywhere I went it was the same, a stare and then a sudden moment of recognizing with the words I was soon braced to hear, “Your hair is different!” All agreed that it looked really nice, which meant must have been worse before than I thought.

“Your hair is different! Is that a wig?” Of all the nerve!

My dress, notice my dress. Isn’t it pretty? No one did. My glasses, notice my glasses. I went broke at the vision center paying for them! Only one person noticed and that was only after she commented on my hair several times.

All week long it’s been the very same thing, “Your hair is different,” “You hair is darker,” “Your hair looks nice,” “I like your hair.” While I’m happy that everyone is complimenting my $2.98 makeover, It sure would be great if one – just one person – would notice my fashionable new dresses.

And so, as I said to start with, a ladies’ most important attribute is her hair. No one notices anything else at all.

©2004 Sheila Moss

NOTE: Do you like it when people make comments about your appearance, or would you rather they just keep opinions to themselves?

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Rain Rain Go Away

Posted on May 11, 2016 by Sheila Moss

umbrella

I woke up this morning and heard the rain. “It’s pouring,” I thought, half asleep. The sound of the rain is louder than the sound of the alarm clock. I turned over in bed and put the pillow over my head, knowing that sooner or later I will have to get up, but hoping that it is only a dream. A little rain is okay, but three days in a row is more than I need or want.

I turn on the weather channel to get a forecast. Why is the television radar always in slow motion? They need to put it in fast forward so that this rain front will move through more quickly. Flash flood warnings are scrolling across the screen. Rivers and streams just don’t want to stay in their banks when the rain keeps pouring down like this.

You know it’s a bad morning when the weatherman doesn’t make it to work.

I manage to drag myself out of bed and get ready for work, rain or no rain. I hope for the best, prepare for the worst and wonder if I should pack a bathing suit and snorkel in my lunch bag. I dig out my raincoat and can’t find my umbrella, then remember I left it in the car. That figures. If I had a motorboat I could probably get to work faster and beat the traffic too.

Traffic will be terrible this morning. I don’t know why it is that people seem to panic when there is rain. Traffic crawls. I vaguely wonder how long a car will float before it sinks. My wiper blades could really use a re-tread. I reach for my cup of coffee and turn it over on the seat. What a mess, but I have to keep both hands on the wheel before that eight-wheeler in the passing lane throws water on the windshield and blows me off the road.

There is never any parking on a morning like this. I should have stayed home from work to fish in that lake that formed in my back yard last night. I drive round and round in the parking garage. It seems that everybody wants to park in the garage on a day like this, even the amateurs. Some idiot stops in front of me and starts backing up. Where am I supposed to go? There are cars behind me! I give ’em a beep and their car springs forward like a jackrabbit. I feel a bit guilty. Horns sure sound loud in the parking garage.

I park and get out of the car, collecting my possessions as I watch the garage elevator fill up with people and leave. That means a long wait until it returns. I hurry to push the button again. Other people gather, impatiently waiting. We are too far from the ground level to consider stairs. Finally, the elevator comes and we all crowd on, damp, miserable and thrilled to be at work.

Rain comes down in torrents as I start my walk to the office building. I pop my umbrella open and notice I’m out of style with my old news print umbrella. Thanks to the Titans, blue and white stripes seem to be the new umbrella fashion color of choice. You’d think there would be more newsprint umbrellas. With this sort of weather it is worth subscribing to the local paper to get an umbrella for free.

Where is the handsome man that always comes along in the rain in the movies and helps the lady across the street with his huge umbrella, before he invites her to have a cup of coffee? No Prince Charming for me, just a city bus to dodge before it sends a sheet of water cascading over the curb. Dumb bus driver! I dodge puddles trying to keep the water out of my shoes while struggling to keep at least the top of my head dry with my out-of-fashion umbrella.

Slick floors in the building, wet people with dripping coats and umbrellas slide into the elevators. If a wet T-shirt contest breaks out in the office, we’ll be ready. I sure hope this dismal weather doesn’t last forever. This isn’t rain – it’s a gully washer. I’m so wet it would take a pretzel machine to wring me out.

I can’t even remember life before rain. I somehow feel as if it will never quit. I only pray that the animals are not beginning to gather someplace two by two.

©2002 Sheila Moss

How’s the weather in your part of the country?

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The Supply Order

Posted on May 10, 2016 by Sheila Moss

questions

This article is based on an actual incident.

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – Our printer cartridge has died. Could we please order a new one? The number is JS334455.

To: employee@admn.tn.gov – I’ve never heard of that number? Is it generic? What kind of printer do you have?

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – It is a Lexmark W828. The cartridges are in the supply catalog.

To: employee@admn.tn.gov – The first number you sent me was the printer’s inventory number. That’s another department. If you need something out of our catalog, you will need to fill out the supply warehouse online order form and submit it.

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – What order form? Where is it?

To: employee@admn.tn.gov – It is located on the website under Supply Warehouse. Do you even have an account? If you do not have an account with us, you will have to set up an account and get an authorization code before you can order.

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. The person who issues authorization codes was sick yesterday and no one else could help me as it is not in their job description. Could someone else order it for me using their code – just to tide us over? We are desperate!

To: employee@admn.tn.gov – That is not correct procedure. Having someone else order for you will cause it to be delivered to the wrong place and to be charged to the wrong account. It will have to be reshipped at extra expense. It is easier and faster to do it right.

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – WE CAN’T PRINT!!!

To: employee@admn.tn.gov – That is not our problem. You should have anticipated that you would need a cartridge and ordered it last month before you ran out.

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – I have set up an account and ordered the cartridge. It has been a week. Where is it?

To: employee@admn.tn.gov – You are only allowed to order on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. You sent your order on Thursday. You will need to reorder on the correct day for your authorization code. If it is an emergency, fill out a procurement form and send it to the procurement unit with a memo from your supervisor.

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – The procurement unit said they only order supplies that are unavailable from the warehouse. Besides, I can only order from procurement on the first week of the month unless I have an emergency memo from my supervisor who is on retreat. They said it would be probably be faster to just wait until Monday and order from you.

To: employee@admn.tn.gov – If you have a complaint, contact personnel. We are not responsible for that department.

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – I have reordered the cartridge on the correct day of the week using the correct form and correct authorization number. It has been another week. Where is the cartridge?

To: employee@admn.tn.gov – We are currently out of stock. You should have ordered it sooner. You will need to reorder when we have these cartridges in stock. Try procurement.

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – Procurement??? I’ve TRIED procurement! I’ve also tried to borrow one, but nobody in the whole government has a printer like ours. Leave it to the state government to make getting a printer cartridge a month long ordeal!

To: employee@admn.tn.gov – Maybe you should consider getting a different printer.

To: warehouse@services.tn.gov – In the unlikely event that you ever get any more cartridges in stock, would you please deliver one if it is the right day of the week, the right time of the moon, someone else does not order ahead of me, the ordering procedure has not changed, my authorization number is still in effect, my supervisor is here to sign a memo, and I have not yet been committed to a institution for the mentally insane.

By the way, we are out of toilet paper. How can I get more?

©2004 Sheila Moss

This article is based on an actual incident. Has anything similar happened to you?

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Mocking Mouse

Posted on May 9, 2016 by Sheila Moss

mouse

Day 1 – My daughter went out to the garage and came inside screaming. “A mouse, a MOUSE! There’s a mouse in the garage. It ran right past my feet.” It seems that the garage door doesn’t fit very tight, and a tiny mouse can squeeze though a crack the size of a pencil.

Day 2 – “I saw it again! It has three or four babies and they all ran under the washing machine.” Okay, it’s time to quit messing around and to get down to some serious mouse catching. Soon the traps are set and baited with cheese.

Day 3 – The cheese is gone. The mouse is not. The mouse wins. “Okay, mouse, think you are smart, huh? OUCH!” The trap springs on my daughter’s finger. The mouse scores again.

Day 4 – We set the trap again, and again the mouse gets the cheese. That’s Mouse 3 – Humans – 0 – if you are keeping score. We are being out-maneuvered by a rodent with a brain the size of a pea.

Day 5 – Why don’t we just throw the cat out in the garage and let it earn its keep? An hour later we check and the cat is hiding behind a bag of concrete, terrorized. “What’s the big idea? Don’t you know there are mice out here!”

“Okay, come back inside, cat.” What a worthless furball. So, the cat strikes out and the mouse scores again.

Day 6 – “Use peanut butter,” advise my friends. So, my daughter smears peanut all over the trap. No way can that mouse eat all the peanut butter and not get caught. But next morning, the trap is licked clean. Not a speck of peanut butter is left and the trap is not sprung. We are obviously running a mouse buffet. Mouse 5 – Humans – 0 -.

What should we do? Use poison? But we have pets – what if the cat eats a poisoned mouse? As worthless as the stupid feline is, I don’t want to poison her.

“Use glue traps,” advise my friends. The idea is that the mouse gets stuck on the glue and can’t escape. According to the instructions on the box, the mouse can even be humanely released alive by holding the trap over a 5-gallon bucket and pouring vegetable oil to release it from the glue. They have got to be kidding!

I saw humane traps at the store. But what do you do with a live mouse after you catch it? If you turn it loose, if will come back. I refuse to put a live mouse in my car to take it away.

Day 7 – We declare WAR! We set out all four glue traps that were in the box. I am tired of running a Motel 8 for mice. The varmint has got to go! But somehow the mouse knows. It avoids the glue boards and is not caught. Mouse 6 – Humans – 0 -.

Day 8 – I’m at my wit’s end. I’ve never seen a mouse so smart. It should belong to Mensa. I am beginning to respect it for its intelligence and wonder if it deserves to survive. After all, it has a family.

“Can we catch it and keep it?” asks my grandson. But rodents are filthy. They carry disease and spread germs. They chew things up and destroy property. “Wait until you are older and we’ll get a gerbil,” I lie.

Day 9 – I wish this story had a happy ending. It does for the mouse, but not for the humans. Surely there is way to get rid of a super mouse with a 200 IQ. I suppose it will take an exterminator, a hired gun. There seems to be no other way to kill a mocking mouse.

The mouse is still at large, gleefully playing leapfrog over the glue boards, and no doubt laughing though its whiskers at the stupid humans who are trying to catch it. Humans – 0 – Mouse – Game.

©2004 Sheila Moss

What would you do to get rid of a rodent? Any suggestions appreciated.

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Murphy’s Laws for Mothers

Posted on May 8, 2016 by Sheila Moss

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  1. Mothers only offer advice on two occasions, when you want it and when you don’t.
  2. A mother’s love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
  3. Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.
  4. Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won’t know either, but she will fake it.
  5. Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent.
  6. The more you try to stay on your mother’s good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is.
  7. The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten.
  8. If you can’t remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn’t.
  9. The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.
  10. If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don’t repeat them.
  11. Anything you do can be criticized by your mother – even doing nothing.
  12. Never criticize your mother’s cooking if you expect to get any more of it.
  13. If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.
  14. You can’t “out mother” your mother. Don’t even try.
  15. Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.
  16. The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.
  17. The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.
  18. All mother’s have a “How To” manual. That’s because they wrote the book.
  19. Mother’s way is best. If you don’t believe it, ask her.
  20. Everything is a good idea till you mother finds out and tells you why it isn’t.
  21. One mother is company, two is a psychic reading, three is a hen party, four is a bridge club.
  22. If you don’t have time to study the drivers’ manual, drive your mother somewhere and get a quick refresher course.
  23. When you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you remember what you wasted all your money on.
  24. The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer she will “save” it before she uses it.
  25. No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it against you.
  26. No matter how much you eat, you can never get so fat that mother will not offer you more food.
  27. If a mother does not have an item, she will have the recipe or the directions.
  28. The more times mother reminds you to take an umbrella, the greater the probability of rain.
  29. Accomplishments are made possible by your mother – failures are your own fault.
  30. Never forget who rocked you as a baby. That’s something else you will never be able to repay her for.
  31. Mother can always tell you a better way to do something after you’ve already done it.
  32. The longer it’s been since you cleaned house, the more likely it is that mother will visit.
  33. No matter how small your mom is, she will always be bigger than you are.
  34. The more you detest an item that belongs to your mother, the more likely it is that she will try to give it to you.
  35. If you do it yourself, mom could have done it better. If mom does it, you should have done it yourself.
  36. You never are as good as other people’s children. You are never as bad as mom imagines.
  37. The only thing more accurate than a mother’s advice is her memory of the times you didn’t take it.
  38. The funnier the joke is, the more likely mom will think it is dirty.
  39. Never tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always find something.
  40. If the job of a mother is going smoothly, she thinks she isn’t doing it well.
  41. There are always two sides to a story – the way it really happened and the way mother remembers it.
  42. Mothers always “know.” We don’t know how – they just do.
  43. Murphy’s mother told him so.

 

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To Mom

Posted on May 7, 2016 by Sheila Moss

 

flowers

This Sunday is the day, which has been set aside to honor mom, Mother’s Day. Now in reality we should be honoring mom every day, but most of us choose to let them honor us instead. And most moms continue to honor us long after the time when we should be taking care of things ourselves.

When I was growing up, my mother did everything. I never knew how to cook, clean house, or do laundry until after I was married. Boy, was that a shock. You mean all this stuff has not been doing itself for all these years?

When we mature and separate from our family of birth, we tend to find fault and be critical. Mom either does too much and smothers us, or not enough and we feel neglected. Mom can’t win.

It’s been said that the older we become, the wiser our parents seem to get. That’s especially true when baby comes along and we don’t have the first idea about what to do for colic, diarrhea, or a fever. And so we call good old mom, now the source of wisdom and experience.

Of course, nobody ever appreciates us as much as our mothers, in spite of our shortcomings. Ever hear the mother of a convicted murderer say on TV what a good boy her son was before he became a murderer?

We try to do the impossible and say thanks for a lifetime of sacrifice with a card, a gift, or a bunch of flowers – so inadequate for what mothers do for their kids. We try to say thank you in one day for voluntary losses so great and so numerous that no gift could ever be thanks enough.

Some believe that we pay back our mother by sacrificing for our own children. But, what about people that don’t have children? They get a free ride? While there may some repayment with a short period of roll reversal as parents grow old, for most of life mom will be the caregiver and we will be the care receiver.

Mom doesn’t want more gadgets to dust, more nightgowns to put in the dresser drawer, or flowers to aggravate her allergies. If only it could be that simple. What a mother wants is for her children to do something to show that she has succeeded in her most important role in life, being a mother.

All mothers have an invisible bag inside where they save up the memories that their children have created. Sometimes they share them with friends who are also mothers, but mostly they simply save these things to ponder and think about in moments of lesser achievement.

Mother cures our ills with chicken soup while telling us that we should have listened to her and taken an umbrella, whether it was raining or not. Mothers always know. We do not understand these phenomena, but they seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to their children. Whatever happens, mother knew that it would happen one of these days. Thank God it wasn’t worse!

What’s the use? We keep saying thanks for things we can’t possible thank mother for. So, how can we really repay mom? Simple, grow up to be a somewhat worthwhile person and as an added bonus do something to make her proud.

That’s really all a mother wants anyhow – except, perhaps, a nap.

©2003 Sheila Moss
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When the Monogram on Your Purse is MOM

Posted on May 5, 2016 by Sheila Moss

mom

  1. Your idea of a good stiff drink is “Slim Fast.”
  2. You proudly wear a mother’s ring with multi-colored birthstones.
  3. You have a bumper sticker that says, “My child is a wanna-be honor student.”
  4. Your TV remote is stuck on the Saturday morning cartoons.
  5. You spend your wedding anniversary at a mouse’s theme park.
  6. You’re nominated for Den Mother of the Year and your kids aren’t even in scouts.
  7. Your idea of fine dining is Pizza instead of a Happy Meal.
  8. You hit your thumb with a hammer and can’t say a swear word.
  9. You’ve melted three sippy cups because the coffee mugs were all dirty.
  10. You go to PTA meetings just to get away from the kids.
  11. You know the Dr. Suess ABC book by memory.
  12. Your sofa crackles from of the candy wrappers under the cushions.
  13. You’d like to have a nervous breakdown, but it isn’t on your schedule.
  14. You are saving Popsicle sticks to build Barbie furniture.
  15. You find a quarter and you know one of the kids lost their lunch money.
  16. You eat cold cereal because oatmeal in the microwave takes too long.
  17. All the back seat drivers in your life are in booster seats.
  18. You take out a second mortgage to pay for the kids’ dental braces.
  19. You lock the bathroom door to keep the kids out.
  20. You shop only at WalMart because they have carts for the kids to ride in.
  21. Your family photo album is a twelve volume set.
  22. You can stay up later than the kids at bedtime – most of the time.
  23. You think chewing gum is a serious occupational hazard.
  24. You don’t have furniture – you have upholstered trampolines.
  25. Your favorite thing in life is 30 minutes alone with Mr. Bubbles.
  26. Your medicine cabinet contains syrup of ipecac, glow-in-the-dark band aids and M&M’s.
  27. You can’t remember not having children. You’re sure they were born before you were.
@2000 Sheila Moss
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Understanding a Mother

Posted on May 4, 2016 by Sheila Moss

mother

Only mothers and dogs love you unconditionally. The umbilical cord is not cut at the hospital, regardless of what doctors and medical books say. It can stretch as far as it needs to, even around the world without breaking.

A mother always knows where her children are and what they are up to.  Some people think they are psychic.  Others think they have eyes in the back of their head. They also have super hearing and can hear a naughty word from fifty yards away. But their most phenomenal sense is sight. They can see clothes that are not hung up even when they are hidden under the bed.

Mothers are super clean and always want kids to wash their hands. “Cleanliness is next to godliness,”  as any mom can tell you.  Dirty clothes are removed as soon as possible. They are carried with a stick to the washing machine where they are washed with soap and water to remove the filth and make them wearable again.

Speaking of cleanliness, the top chore on the list of any mother is always, “Clean your room.” No one is sure why a room needs to be cleaned as it just gets messed up again.  But, a mother will say that jelly sandwiches do not grow under the bed, as kids try to pretend, and that curtains belong on the windows not on the floor.

Mothers are usually excellent cooks, especially of healthy foods like broccoli and spinach.  We are not sure why they can cook these things so well, but it is probably the desire to see their children eat well. Things like cookies and popsicles are not considered healthy, and we have never been able to figure out why moms keep them around unless it is to demonstrate how to avoid unhealthy eating.

Mothers want kids to get plenty of sleep to grow up strong. That’s why the bedtime for kids is so early. We cannot figure out why they will not let kids sleep until noon since a good night’s sleep is so important, but a mom’s logic is not always something that others can easily understand.

Mothers believe that kids should not spend too much time watching television or playing computer games. Kids should be outside engaging in active play and getting exercise.  Too much television will ruin a child’s eyes and they will have to eat carrots for the rest of their life and still might not be able to see.

Mothers worry a lot about their children’s health. They believe that kids should always wear hats and gloves when they go outside so they will not catch cold. Any virus attack in the world could be cured and modern medicine would be totally unnecessary if only children would remember to wear their hats and gloves.

Also on the list for good health is brushing teeth after eating and before bed. A certain amount of toothpaste has to be swallowed in a lifetime, and you might as well do it before your teeth are full of cavities and it is too late. This rule supersedes the requirement that a certain amount of dirt must be eaten in a lifetime, which obviously is an urban legend invented by someone with too much time on their hands.

When kids have too much time on their hands, it is because they are not reading enough or studying. Reading, unlike TV, is not harmful to the eyes regardless of how much time is spent doing it. Likewise, you can’t study too much and too much knowledge will not harm your brain like computer games.

Of course, kids are not always as grateful to their mother as they should be, but mothers know they care. We don’t know how they know, but they do. The way kids see it, mothers should be grateful to their kids because they have given them the opportunity to be one of the world’s most special people — a mother.

©2009 Sheila Moss
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