Humor Columnist Blog

I Know a Shortcut

Posted on July 1, 2023 by Sheila Moss

It has sometimes been said that men get lost because they refuse to stop and ask for directions. However, the GPS and directions from a cell phone have now made it possible for men to avoid the embarrassment of asking and made it possible to find a destination without getting lost.

Now if we could only find a gadget to get men to not take shortcuts. Regardless of where you want to go, if a man is driving, he will always know a shortcut. My dad used to drive me crazy with his shortcuts on back roads through bad areas. I never felt the small amount of gas or time saved was worth the risk. But try to convince any man that following the normal and expected route to anywhere is the best way to get there.

When I would go to visit my parents as an adult, dad always tried to help me get back home quicker by suggesting a short cut that he knew about. I learned to listen to his suggestions and then go my own way, which was usually far easier and I didn’t end up with getting lost.

I thought for a long time that this was only something my dad did, but I’ve found out that my honey is the same way. Who could believe that more than one person would be inclined to take ridiculous short cuts that take longer and are probably further in the long run.

When I want to go to the pharmacy and Morris is driving, I can be certain that the drive will involve a trip through the parking lot and behind the Publix supermarket. “Why are we going this way instead of using the road?” I ask, as if I didn’t know. “This way is shorter and I don’t have to wait for the red light,” he says, as if one red light is not better than a trip though the loading docks and trash bins of a shopping center.

In my opinion, you never save time by cutting through a parking lot. Morris is of a different opinion. He goes out of his way to take short cuts, such as cutting through the parking lot of Walmart to get to Fazoli’s instead of just staying on the road. “I don’t have to make a left turn if I go this way,” he says.

I suppose making a left turn could be considered dangerous when there is no light, but cutting through a parking lot seems more dangerous to me as there is always the possibility someone will back out while you are cutting behind them, and you have to slow down for pedestrians with shopping carts too.

I think the short cut that irritates me the most is encountered when we are taking one of the pets to the veterinarian. Instead of continuing on the main road to the light and turning right, he turns right at the school, and left and right and left again to cut through a subdivision. With the numerous stop signs and turns, it could not possibly be shorter, much less faster.

When I drive, he tries to tell me how to go. “You should turn here,” he says, pointing to some obscure side road. “You go your way when you drive, and I will go mine when I’m driving,” is my reply.

I think that all the years of absurd short cuts is starting to wear me down. Could it be that women will become as bad as men? One day I was taking my daughter to the doctor. “I know where it is,” she said. “We can use my cell phone. The GPS says to go to Exit 72B.”

“I’m not going all the way to Exit 72,” I replied. “We can go the back way taking 840 — I know a short cut.”

Posted in Automotive, Humor, Travel | Tagged Directions, Exits, GPS, Red lights, Roads, Streets, Turns | 6 Comments

Helpful Service at the Hardware Store

Posted on June 17, 2023 by Sheila Moss

The other day I went to Home Depot and several associates actually asked me if I needed help. In the past I have suspected them of avoiding customers because they don’t know where anything is either. Maybe they are trying to improve customer service?

I really wish retailers would have a map for those big box stores like they do at the mall. It would greatly simplify shopping. The place is as big as New York City and what I am looking for is usually about the size of a screw, exactly the size of a screw, in fact.

Remember when you could go to a hardware store and buy only what you needed? Now you have a buy a package to get one or two. Of course, you can save the extras for next time, if there is a next time, and if you can find the leftover package next time. I always end up buying another pack as it is easier. I could start a hardware store of my own with leftovers.

But to get back to the reason I was there, I needed four brass cabinet knobs and two key-type knobs. I had already checked online and found exactly what I wanted, but when I got to the store, it was not in stock.

“You can order it online,” said the helpful sales person, as if I didn’t know. I was trying to avoid the wait and the shipping charges. However, if you have stuff delivered to the store, there is no shipping charge.

I went home and placed my order. The two key knobs came immediately, but the other four didn’t. I waited and waited; a week went by; 10 days went by. Just my luck, they lost the order, I thought; but that very day I received an email that my order had arrived.

I went to the store to pick it up. They couldn’t find the package. The clerk looked everywhere and finally called the manager. I was tired of waiting and needed some cabinet latches too, so I told the clerk I would shop while they were looking.

“Where are cabinet latches?” “Aisle 16.” I couldn’t find Aisle 16, much less a cabinet latch. I asked someone who was putting up stock.

“I don’t know,” he said. ( I knew it.) Well, at least he was honest.

“Me either,” I replied.

I wandered around for a while until someone pointed me in the right direction. I finally found what I was looking for and then went back to see if my knobs had been found. “I’m sorry, we can’t find the order,” the manager told me. “However, I will reorder.” She must have noted my twitching eyebrows and purple face. “I will have it sent express mail, she added, and I will not charge you anything.”

I had been there so long that I was running late for a dental appointment, so I went through the self-check with my magnetic latches, and wheeled out of the parking lot. Halfway home, my cell phone rang. It was the manager at Home Depot. “We found your order,” she said.

“Sorry, I can’t come back now.” I was getting ready to say I would come back later, but she surprised me by saying that she would bring the order to my home. Imagine that! Well, why not let her, I thought. “Okay, that will be great!”

When I got home from the dentist, the bag was hanging on the door. I really couldn’t believe it, but it actually happened, free cabinet knobs and free home delivery. So, I might start shopping there more often

I would still like to have that map, though, and one of those scooters like Wal-Mart has as long as I’m wishing.

Posted in Humor, Shopping | Tagged Customer Service, Free delivery, Hardware, Order online, Shipping charges, Store map | 3 Comments

If I Had More Time

Posted on June 10, 2023 by Sheila Moss

If I had more time, I could chase dust bunnies under the bed and polish furniture until it shines. I would not have to hope no one comes by to visit because the floors are dirty, and I can’t remember the last time the windows were cleaned.

I could dump out dresser drawers and rearrange them. I could clean the closet and find all the things I’ve not worn because I forgot I had them. Life must be too busy when you daydream of cleaning house.

I could study seed catalogs, plant bulbs in the fall and flowers in the spring. I would have time to grow roses, which need a lot of attention — attention I don’t have time for now.

I could prowl through sale racks to look for good clothes at low prices. I would have time to shop around. I could go to the thrift store for bargains on the first day of the month when everything is half price, if I had time.

I could paint that spot on the ceiling where water leaked in. I could hire a handyman to fix the closet doors that stick — if only I had time.

I could tackle the attic that is such a disaster now that I can’t even think about it. I could have a monstrous garage sale and get rid of all the things I don’t want that are too good to throw away but not good enough to keep.

I could get rid of all the junk in the garage and park the car without having to hold my breath hoping it will fit in one more time.

I could do crafts, paint pictures, make jewelry, do cross stitch, read that stack of books that I never have time to read. I could spend as much time as I want writing without having to hurry.

I could spend time on the computer. I could hang out on Facebook and Twitter, waste time online without feeling guilty. I could build websites, surf or blog all day long if I felt like it and if I had time.

I could stay up late and watch TV. If I am tired the next day, I could take a nap instead of drinking more coffee and pushing myself to go on because I have no time.

I could go to events, take short trips to nearby places, eat at interesting restaurants, plan and take vacations to exotic locations. There are so many places to see and I never see them because I don’t have any frequent flyer miles, and I don’t have time.

I could cook healthy meals instead of eating fast food. I could eat fewer hamburgers and hot dogs, and less hamburger helper. I could dine on roast beef, grilled steak, baked chicken and fresh vegetables. I could dust off my recipe books and try something new. I could make casseroles.

I could have quality time instead of being stressed and complaining because no one helps me with the chores. I could go out to the movies, go on vacations and enjoy good company, instead of fighting rush hour traffic on the Interstate every day.

I could spend time with my family, laugh, and watch TV. I could spend time with my grandchildren and give more hugs. I could have a home life instead of having constantly changing roles.

I could have time to do nothing, to ponder, to daydream, to enjoy memories, to watch the sunset, to relax and unwind.

I could live life instead of watching it rush by — if I had only had more time.

Posted in Humor, Rants | Tagged chores, cleaning, computing, cooking, crafting, housework, Shopping, Time management | 1 Comment

Nekkid and Afeared – Senior Citizen Version

Posted on May 31, 2023 by Sheila Moss

If you have watched the Discovery Channel on cable TV, you may have seen a show called “Naked and Afraid.” On the show people are dropped off in a remote place and left for three weeks with virtually nothing except a knife and a firestarter, or a few other survival items The program is how they adapt and whether they are able to survive.

Day One – Time to take off clothes. Don’t look, Edith! Nobody wants to see that many sags and wrinkles. What is in the burlap bags? Grandpa has an ax. Grandma has a cooking pot.

Day Two – Build a shelter from brush and leaves. Are they kidding? Old folks were chopping wood before they were born. Get out of the way and watch the chips fly.

Day Three – Getting thirsty, needing water after all the wood chopping. Grandma uses dowser rod and hunts for a place to dig a well.

Day Four – Need fire. Grandpa rubs two sticks together while Grandma gathers kindling. A toasty bonfire in no time. What’s so difficult about this?

Day Five – The bugs and skeeters are biting in places we can’t mention. Grandpa makes a poultice of wild tobacco to put on the bug bites and take away the itching.

Day Six – Grandma cooks up a mess of poke sallet to go with the possum Grandpa knocked out of a tree. He’s been throwing rocks since childhood and is a pretty good aim.

Day Seven– Raining outside so have to stay in shelter. To pass the time Grandpa makes a sling shot with a stick and possum gut.

Day Eight – Still raining. Grandma weaves baskets. Grandpa whittles to pass the time. He doesn’t make anything, he just whittles.

Day Nine – Sunny at last. Grandpa shoots some birds with his sling shot and Grandma roasts them over the fire. Tastes just like chicken.

Day Ten – Scouting around, Grandma finds a wild persimmon tree and Grandpa spots a bee tree.

Day Eleven – Grandpa smokes bees out of tree and gathers honey in Grandma’s pot.

Day Twelve – Grandma and Grandma improve shelter with a rock and clay chimney and stuff clay in cracks. This should keep the shelter warmer and make cooking easier.

Day Thirteen – Grandpa doesn’t feel so good. Grandma boils some roots and makes sassafrass tea to cure his stomach problem.

Day Fourteen – Grandpa decides to go fishing. He digs worms for bait and chops down cane for a fishing pole.

Day Fifteen – Grandma roasts the fish on a splint in the fire and serves with some of the wild fruit she picked. Delicious feast!

Day Sixteen – Grandma gathers wild herbs and mushrooms for her medicine bag, in case of any further ailments.

Day Seventeen – Grandpa checks his traps and brings home the squirrels that he caught. Grandma skins and boils up a pot of squirrel stew and cattail root.

Day Eighteen – Grandpa chops wood to make a raft, which they will need to travel down the creek to their extraction point on Day 21. Grandma helps him tie the raft together with vines.

Day Nineteen – Grandpa goes hunting and kills a rabbit with his slingshot. They make stew and eat a final meal to keep up their strength before leaving.

Day Twenty – Tomorrow they will leave the wilderness. They sing folk songs around the campfire and are thankful they have come this far.

Day Twenty-One – The raft holds up pretty well in the creek. They use the long poles Grandpa chopped to guide it away from snags and floating debris.

The adventure is over. Grandma and Grandpa survived the way their ancestors always have and achieved a survival rating of 10.0.

The hardest part was keeping their private parts blurred out and hidden from the TV camera. Next time, they will use fig leaves.

Posted in Entertainment, Environment, Humor, Southern Humor | Tagged Discovery Channel, Hardships, Naked and Afraid, senior citizens, Survival, TV shows | 2 Comments

ABC’s and D’s of Medicare

Posted on May 22, 2023 by Sheila Moss

Retirement is supposed to be a big adjustment in life. So far, the worse part has been losing my employee insurance and trying to figure out and get Medicare started. I think I have finally conquered the beast, but not without a few bruises and lumps.

“What now?” I thought. seeing that I had I received a letter from Social Security in the mail. Usually when I hear from them it is because they have made an error and either gave me too much money and I have to pay it back, or not enough money, and they have to pay me back. You would think with all the computers the government has, they could do better.

This time, however, they were only writing to tell me my Medicare Part B was in effect and they would be deducting it from my check. Yes, I knew that when I signed up. Besides, I had already received a new Medicare card in the mail, pretty much a dead giveaway.

They also wanted to tell me I was eligible to sign up for Medicare Part D. Medicare has more letters of the alphabet than a first-grade classroom. I already knew about Medicare Part D, which is a good thing. If I waited for Social Security to tell me about it, I would not have any prescription coverage at all.

Picking a Part D provider is like playing the lottery. You pick what seems like the best set of numbers and take your changes. Firstly, Part D is not available from the government. Part D has to be purchased from a private provider, similar to Part C. It may include A, B, D, Medigap and a free puppy. Okay, I was kidding about the puppy, but they would probably figure a way to do it if it would make you sign up with them.

When someone first becomes eligible for Medicare, the mailbox is stuffed every day with insurance company mail trying to entice them to join their plan instead of taking “plain old Medicare.” I decided plain old Medicare was just fine. I have no basis for comparison until I see what regular Medicare pays.

After studying the website to sign up, I was more confused than ever. Some companies had high premiums, some had a high deductable, and some had both. I liked the one with no deductable and a low premium. It made me wonder what was wrong with it; however, I decided to take my chances and give it a whirl. If I don’t like it, I can change during open season. Of course, that is sort of like getting married with the idea of getting a divorce later.

I’ve learned a lot of new vocabulary words figuring out Medicare. Before I could sign up, I had to be sure my old insurance was “credible” insurance. Credible means they pay as much as Medicare, or 80%. Another of the favorite words for Medicare D providers is “formulary.” That means a list of the drugs they will cover. Why can’t they use plain English and quit using five-dollar words that no one outside of the insurance industry ever heard of?

Meanwhile, I got a letter back from the Medicare D provider I had chosen saying I would have to pay a penalty as long as I have Medicare for signing up late and not having insurance for a period of 63 days. What? I signed up late because I retired late and have a special enrollment period. I not only had prescription coverage, I had it with the same company. I guess they do not speak to each other there.

After returning the form they sent and a copy of my insurance card, they called me. I missed the call so they left a message to call them. I couldn’t imagine what more they wanted. As it turned out, they just wanted to say I would not have to pay a penalty. I’m glad they figured that out.

Now I know why everyone gets so frustrated with Medicare. Guess I win this round. I will bandage my wounds and wait to see what’s next in the healthcare battle.

Posted in Health, Humor | Tagged Credible insurance, Formulary, health insurance, Part D, Penalty, Plain Old Medicare, Social Security | Leave a comment

Murphy’s Laws for Little League

Posted on May 18, 2023 by Sheila Moss

Murphy’s original law is an old adage, ‘”If anything can go wrong, it will.”

Here are some of the truisms of little league baseball that can be observed in action at almost every game and attested to by anyone who’s ever been involved in baseball for kids as a player or spectator. These things seem to happen too often to be mere coincidence; therefore, we feel absolutely certain that Murphy was at bat and playing for both teams.

If your batter has three balls and no strikes, the next pitch will be a strike.

If your batter hits a high fly ball hit and the bases are loaded, it will be caught.

If your batter hits a high fly ball and the bases are empty, it will drop.

If there is a runner on third, your batter will strike out.

If your catcher drops the ball, the winning run will steal home.

If the batter hits the ball directly to your first baseman, he will drop it.

If the other team’s ball is popped up in the infield, no one will catch it.

If your team has the bases loaded, all the remaining batters will strike out.

If the opposing team hits a home run, it will be with the bases loaded.

If your pitcher walks the batter, it will be when the bases are loaded.

If a ball is hit to left field, it will get by both your shortstop and the left fielder.

If the ball is hit to right field, the second baseman will chase it instead of covering the base.

If the ball is hit to the third baseman, he will forget to step on the bag before throwing to first.

If the second baseman forgets to step on the bag, there will be a runner coming from first.

If your very best pitcher is pitching, he will walk four batters in a row.

If you really need a run, your team will have three up and three down — every time.

If your team gets a spectacular hit to outfield, it will be caught.

If their team hits a fly ball, it will drop between players and two runs will score.

If your infield plays on a runner stealing third, the third baseman will miss the ball.

If their batter pops up three foul balls, your catcher will miss them all.

If your pitcher plays on a runner who is off base at first, he will steal second.

If your pitcher doesn’t play on the runner at first, he will steal second anyhow.

If your outfielder misses the ball, three runs will score while he chases it.

While the play is being attempted on a steal at second, their runner will steal third.

If the play is at third, your third baseman will tag the base instead of the runner.

If your team is ahead, the opposing team will get a home run and clear the bases.

If the other team is ahead by one, you cannot score a run no matter how hard you try.

If your player hits a foul ball, it is always on the first or second strike, not the third strike.

If the hit should be an easy out, your first baseman will drop the throw.

If the batter bunts with a runner on third, your catcher will forget to cover home.

If a runner is stretching a single into a double, your fielder will throw a wild ball.

If your team hits a line drive, it will be snagged by the opposing pitcher.

It the other team hits a line drive, the ball will hit your pitcher.

If your best hitter is batting, they will strike him out.

If their team hits a pop up, your team will never catch it.

If your player is safe at first, he will get thrown out stealing second.

If your player is safe at second, he will get thrown out stealing third.

If your player tries to steal home, he will collide with the current batter.

If the opposing team steals home, your catcher will fumble the ball.

If Murphy played little league baseball, he would strike out too.

Posted in Humor, Sports | Tagged Baseball, If anything can go wrong it will, Kid's sports, Little League, Murphy's Laws, Play ball, Strike out, Team sports | 3 Comments

The Office Incident

Posted on May 15, 2023 by Sheila Moss

My recent broken shoulder reminded me of a prior accident that happened a few years ago. This is the story of that particular occurance.

My new chair is too high. “How can I work when my feet barely touch the floor?” I got up and tried to adjust the little lever underneath, but it wouldn’t budge. What now?

I plopped back down to think about it. That is, I meant to plop down. Suddenly, I realized the chair was not where it should be. “What is my chair doing over there?” I wondered as I felt myself falling to the floor in slow motion.

About that time, I was conked over the head by my desk. I wondered if I could get up before anyone saw me sitting on the office floor. Too late. The noise attracted attention, and people started coming to see what happened.

“Oh, you are on the floor. Let me help you up.”

“I am okay. It didn’t hurt too much,” I lied. “My chair rolled away while I was sitting down.”

“You are bleeding!”

Bleeding? I looked down and my shirt was covered with blood. My hair was wet, and then I realized I must have hit the desk harder than I thought. I grabbed handfuls of Kleenex as the blood dripped from my hair.

People get excited when they see blood. I decided to move the medical show to the ladies room before I finished ruining the carpet. I was going to have to go home. I couldn’t stay around the office looking like the victim of an attempted homicide.

I called Honey with the good news. “I think I need to go to the ER,” I said. “Can you get off work and take me?”

“I need to see a doctor,” I told the receptionist at the hospital.

“What is your complaint?”

I thought it would be obvious since my hair was dripping blood and my shirt was soggy. Did she think I always looked like Dracula’s daughter? I was scaring the other people in the waiting room.

“I fell and hit my head.”

“Did you black out?” This would become a popular question before it was all over.

A nurse came and whisked me to a room. Apparently, you don’t have to wait if you are bloody enough. They asked me again if I had blacked out, had a headache, had blurred vision, and all the usual stuff.

“No, no, and no. I’m just bleeding.”

They decided to wash the blood away so they could see the wound, a stellar idea.

Nurses and medical people came in and out of the curtains. Finally, they told me I had an abrasion and did not need to be sewed, glued or stapled. If I became dizzy or felt worse, I should return.

The thought of staples in my head was worse than the pain from the injury, so that was good news.

Any time there is an accident at the office, we are supposed to fill out an incident report. I thought it could wait until I was out of the ER.

My helpful co-worker decided to do it for me. When saw it later, I was shocked. “She fell and there was blood on her head, blood in her hair, blood on her hands, and blood on her shirt.” Good grief, couldn’t she just say I fell and hit my head and had a minor injury?

Apparently, the word spread fast. When I returned a day later, people who saw the incident report or got word on the office grapevine were asking how I felt. Has everyone in the building heard about it?

I heard many bloody stories about muggings, children that fell off bicycles, grandmothers that fainted and hit their head, stories of friends, relatives, anyone that ever had a bloody accident. I was up to my eyeballs in bloody stories.

What a thing to be known for, knocking yourself in the head. I need a chair with brakes on it so it can’t roll.

I may now be the only office worker in town who wears a hard hat at her desk.

Posted in Health, Humor, Work Humor | Tagged Blood, Bloody stories, ER, Falls, Heard on grapevine, Incident Report, Injury | 6 Comments

Remembering Mother

Posted on May 10, 2023 by Sheila Moss

My Mother grew up on a tobacco farm in Tennessee in a family of 13 children. They grew food, made lye soap in a wash pot, and had feather beds and homemade quilts. My sister and I loved her tales about her childhood and always asked her to tell us about the “olden days.”

She was quite a storyteller. When she became older, she wrote a memoir of her stories. It was accepted for permanent retention by the Tennessee State Archives and is also published in a blog on the Internet.

Mother met daddy while he was visiting Tennessee. They fell in love and eloped to North Carolina and married. There she found work in a cotton mill where she was a spinner and picker. Some other women thought her job of picking was easier than spinning. She had a bit of temper and took leave for a month. She told the boss to let every single woman have a turn doing her job while she was gone. He did, and when she came back to work, no one complained that her job was easy any more.

Church was the religious and social center of the community where she grew up and also about all there was to do. As an adult, she went to church twice on Sunday and prayer meeting on Wednesday night. She taught Sunday school, studied the Bible, and loved to discuss her interpretation of the scriptures. Her point-of-view sometimes conflicted with that of others, but she was certain her way was right and could never understand why everyone did not agree with her.

Mom once took on the Teamsters Union. Daddy was a member of the union, but they failed to give Dad health insurance when he retired. She went to see the head guy of the union who, of course, would not see her. So, she staged a one-woman protest and sat in the waiting room of his office every day for over a week until he finally saw her and gave her what she wanted. Not many people take on the Teamsters and win.

Like most mothers, she also had a soft side and many homemaking abilities. She loved cooking southern food and making pies. Mom didn’t like to make cakes, so if we wanted a cake we had to make it ourselves. She knew how to crochet and made Afghans by the dozen, which she gave away to family and friends. She always had flowers planted around the house and a row of Zinnias in the vegetable garden. She liked knick-knacks and kept every single thing anyone ever gave her on display in her house. I don’t know how she kept all that stuff dusted.

Mom always worried a lot. When she heard a siren, she would turn on dad’s police scanner to see if anyone she knew had been in a wreck. She also was scared to death of thunderstorms and thought the house would be struck by lightning, a tree limb would fall on it, or a tornado would blow it away. If she was alone, she would go to a neighbor’s house until the storm was over.

Mom and Dad loved to travel and they took many automobile tours to the western United States always taking, kids, grandkids or some of mom’s sisters along. I’m not sure how many times they went in all. They didn’t make pictures, instead daddy bought postcards. So, we have no pictures of them at the Grand Canyon, Mt. Rushmore, or Old Faithful – only boxes of postcards.

Mom never did learn to drive in spite of our many attempts to encourage her. But she was very good at manipulating people and getting them to take her places – grocery store, hair dresser, or doctor appointments. She said she didn’t need to drive as she could always “get a way.”

Mother lived to age 94. I miss her a lot, but have a lifetime of stories and memories.

Mom’s Memoir “Growing Up on PZ Ridge”
can be found at http://timeslongago.blogspot.com/

Posted in Family, Holidays, Humor | Tagged Memoir, Mom, Mother's Day, Mothers, Tennessee, Tribute | 6 Comments

Festival, Second Time Around

Posted on May 8, 2023 by Sheila Moss

I could have had a really good time at the Renaissance Festival this year, but I just couldn’t seem to get into the spirit. I’m not exactly sure why, but Barry Manilow was wrong about love being lovelier the second time around. Last year the festival was it was new and fresh, but this year it was just the same old, same old.

There were knights in shiny armor to sweep fair maidens away. Somehow the idea of being swept away by a knight seemed a bit silly for an adult, even for a fair maiden like myself. I tried to get into the mood by watching some of the shows, but somehow they all seemed more for the purpose of tips than for entertaining.

The Renaissance theme seemed to inspire people to try to talk like they were in a Shakespeare play, “Yes, me lady, ” was said with dramatic emphasis, loudly and often Some of the visitors got into the spirit, shouting Old English insults from the audience. Maybe it was because I can’t speak Old English, but I spent most of my time trying to figure out where my bottle of water had rolled under the bench.

The actors had correct dress for the period with tights and high boots for the men. I guess maybe I don’t go for guys in tights. The girdles, and long dresses that ladies wore wore looked really hot and uncomfortable. I never learned to sweat in a delicate way. There were so many weird people running around that it was hard to tell those just pretending to be weird from those who really were.

Of course, the real spoiler for me was the crafts. I had in mind a particular item similar to something I bought there last year. Alas, it was not to be. There were flashy crystals and zodiac jewelry, but not the pretty, but cheap, glass charms like the year before. I hope someone took note and will take care of this for next year.

I cornered my daughter and made her promise not to let my grandson buy another plastic sword. The good news is he didn’t get a plastic sword. The bad news is that he got a wooden one instead.

I could have had my fortune told in the psychic lady’s tent, but I wouldn’t be able to tell you five minutes later what was said. The strange bird lady was there again too telling how wonderful falcons and birds of prey are, but I thought of the buzzards I had seen in the road eating road kill. The knights rode horses and jousted. I wondered if it was for real or like professional wresting where they simply put on a show.

The tour of the castle was different. It seems that one person’s dream was to build a castle of his very own and he has worked a lifetime on the endeavor. A bit odd, to say the least, but it did give a nice anchoring point for the festival. After seeing actual castles in Europe, however, the homemade version was not too impressive. I don’t think I would like living in a castle unless it had central air and heating.

I could have bought a tall souvenir glass of beer like the other people who were wandering around, but what do you do with a foot high plastic glass when you get home? I could also have eaten a fried turkey leg, but I could find the stand and was overcome by hunger conveniently in front of the fish and chips vendor.

So, another merry month of May, another Renaissance Faire. The best thing I found about the faire was the kettle popcorn. But if it hadn’t been for Barry Manilow being so wrong, I could have had a really good time.

Posted in Entertainment, Humor | Tagged Castles, Fortunes, Jousting, Knights, Old English, Renaissance Faire, Tights | Leave a comment

Trash in the Attic

Posted on April 24, 2023 by Sheila Moss

Remember all those television shows where someone finds a priceless antique in the attic? All I have in mine is junk. I have written before about all the junk in my attic. I’ve been working on cleaning out the stash of trash that sneaked up the stairs when I was either gone to work or too sick to care. Yes, I will admit it, some of it is my stuff too, but most belongs to other people.

I’ve always heard that the first step in de-cluttering is to get rid of the things that belong to other people. Easier said than done. I found it easier to get rid of my own junk. I know what is actually useful and what is unnecessary.

There are, however, a few things I can’t make a decision on and so they are still pending:

1. The iron pothook: It has sentimental value, the first thing bought for my home after moving to Nashville. Plus, I like it. It just happens that I have no place to hang it up since moving. My daughter took it once to use in an apartment, but she moved later and returned it. So… to the attic.

2. The Racasetti: I have a large sofa-size painting that I love called “Ships in Port” or something to that effect. Unfortunately, the ships are sinking and the painting became too shabby to hang. I wanted to replace it, but it seems Racasetti is an artist whose work is mostly found in thrift stores, garage sales, and junk piles. Great taste I have in art, huh? So… the picture is in the attic.

3. My wedding dress: How can you throw away your wedding dress? Even though my husband has been dead for almost 25 years, it is still in the attic, gathering dust and turning yellow with age. The trend now seems to be for brides to jump in a lake and destroy the dress after the wedding is over. Forget it. It is a size 9, way too small now.

Before you get too tough on me, be aware I bit the bullet and threw out a ton of stuff. If you want to get rid of things, you must be relentless in purging. I have it down to three plastic bins of stuff and one coffee table. And the bins are mostly quilts or afghans made by my mother. “You should be able to keep a few things,” my daughter says.

Throwing away Honey’s stuff is another matter entirely. He still has every single thing that he owned when he moved here, and more has been added since then. Some of it is easy. I know he values the set of white dishes, his trophies in various sports, and old photos. That’s a no brainer. But what about the tennis racquet he never uses, the bicycle helmet, the dozens of video tapes?

“Keep my baseball uniforms,” he says. See what I mean?

He has found excuses not to help so far, even though cleaning out the attic and turning it into space for people instead of junk was his idea. Do I just throw it all out? It is tempting, but I wouldn’t want someone throwing out my things without checking with me first.

So… I am spending half the day in the attic stomping silverfish with a bandana over my mouth and nose because I’m allergic to dust. If anyone saw me, they would call the guys in white jackets to take me away and turn me in to a TV program on hoarders.

“Did you say get rid of the waterbed?” I ask. That means I can give away the sheets too as we won’t need them. “What about the computers and cell phones that are obsolete and useless? I found a couple of places that will recycle old electronics.”

“Throw out the bicycling clothes, but save the helmet; save the baseball clothes, but throw away the shoes.”

I don’t dare ask about the mood lamp. I’m afraid he will want to keep it.