Want to Color?

madalaRemember when you were a kid and loved to color pictures of animals, trees, flowers or favorite story characters? Kids spent many happy hours coloring between the lines. It was fun to decide which color to use or to color something a different color instead of what it was “supposed” to be.

Later the art critics decided that coloring pictures someone else drew was not creative and that kids should be able to color outside the lines, or even better, draw their own pictures. That pretty much took the pleasure out of coloring books, and so we moved on and creatively colored the wallpaper in our bedrooms instead.

Coloring has now become the new rage. And it isn’t just for children who scribble on walls anymore. That’s right; we now have “coloring books for adults.” The designs are not the simple ones we remember from childhood; they are incredibly elaborate renderings of geometric kaleidoscopes, floral patterns, mandalas, stained glass and ornate designs that defy imagination. Once adults become involved, simple things always become complicated.

Can you believe coloring books are among the top ten best sellers on Amazon, which shows how much trouble books are in. Favorite coloring books, such as “Secret Garden” and “Color me Calm” encourage a break from other activity. Adults love the quiet relaxation provided by coloring. The activity seems to require just enough concentration to relieve stress, but not so much that it becomes a burden to do, unless, of course, you have misplaced your eyeglasses.

I was introduced to the new concept of adult coloring books by my sister. “Do you want to color?” she asked. “I think not; I’ll just watch.” “Is she crazy?” I wondered. But it did look like fun, so what the heck, I might as well try it. I selected a design and some markers and went to work. To my surprise, it was mesmerizing. Some of the patterns were symmetrical and you had to be careful to keep the colors balanced and be sure to use a pen that still had enough ink.

It becomes addictive. Once you start coloring a design, you are compelled to finish. You can’t quit a design before the picture is complete. Some designs are relatively easy while others have very small design elements and are difficult to color without messing up. We colored for days on end. I posted some of mine on Instagram for bragging rights.

Once finished the pages are not really good for much, but they do not require a lot of space, a wall to hang them, or a place on the coffee table. The purpose is more the process rather than the competed project, sort of like working a crossword puzzle. It is the task of coloring that provides the pleasure and it gives us something to do while ignoring housework.

So, I decided to get some books of my own and was surprised to find dozens of them online – dozens and dozens. I ordered some books. I couldn’t wait for the books to arrive, however, and decided to look for some books at Walmart. I tried the craft section and found nothing. I struck out in toys also. Finally, I gave up until I stumbled across the books in the sewing section, of all places.

The naysayers still say you are not creating because it is someone else’s design and it isn’t really art. I say “Phooey!” It’s a great time killer and an alternative to staring at the computer screen.  They don’t call them coloring books for adults for nothing, and that pattern with the butterflies is calling my name.

Want to color?

©2015 – 2016

Posted in Entertainment | Tagged , , , , , | 10 Comments

Are You Ready for a Red Corvette?

vette

 

Since the first Corvette rolled off the assembly line in 1953, it has starred in TV shows, such as “Route 66,” received mention in songs (Beach Boys, Jan & Dean, Prince) and is glorified in it’s very own museum. It has become a legend as the only American sports car, with a large following of enthusiastic owners and fans.

Take the True/False Quiz to Determine Your Level of Readiness for a Vette

T/ F – Life in the fast lane is the only way to travel.

T/ F – My driver’s license has no points against it – yet.

T/ F – I can tolerate the wind in my face and the highway patrol on my rear end.

T/ F – The speed limit should be raised to 180 mph.

T/ F – Being an adult is no reason to stop playing with hot wheels.

T /F – I like the idea of having no back seat drivers.

T/ F – I like getting yelled at, whistled at, waved at and honked at.

T/F – I like it even better if I haven’t left my coffee cup on the roof.

T /F – I refuse to park where my doors might get pinged.

T/ F – I frequently practice “creative parking”.

T/ F – The roar of the motor sounds better than the radio.

T/F – Low bucket seats don’t give me leg cramps or a backache.

T/F – I love planning activities and outings that my car will enjoy.

T/F – I’m willing to measure the height of speed bumps to see if I can get over them.

T/F – I’m offended by a challenge from a Porsche.

T/F – When caught speeding, I’m willing to tell a traffic cop “It was worth it!”

T/F – I’ve bottomed out on a steep driveway without swearing out loud.

T/F – I know the meaning of 0-60 in 4.8 or I would like to learn.

T/F – I’d be willing to lose my virginity, or my fear of flying in an automobile.

T/F – Time can be measured as BC and AD (Before Corvette and After Deal)

T/F – The generation gap is smaller in a Corvette than any place else on earth.

T/F – I know the one and only answer to “How you like your Vette?”.

T/F – I love driving an ego car with a vanity license plate.

T/F – I’m experiencing a mid life crisis.

* * * * *

23+ True – Mid-life crisis ready to happen. You’re speeding in the fast lane.

15-20 True – You’ve got “The Fever” – Kiss your bank account good-bye and close the generation gap before it’s too late.

5-15 True – Senility is closing in. Consider an SUV. Then get out of the way and eat our smoke.

1-5 True – Hopeless – Stick with the old clunker and affordable insurance rates. Hot cars are not your forte’.

 

Let me know your score. Sorry, I can’t supply a Corvette if you got them all right; however, I’m sure your local dealership will be more than happy to help you out.

©2003

Posted in Automotive, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

The Interview

workI read with interest the notice in the office newsletter about a vacancy. I hadn’t been promoted in years. Although, I already had a great job where I was chained to a computer and forced to drink black coffee all day, my career had stagnated. I could work in my sleep, and very often did, in spite of the stimulation. It was time for a change.

I could hardly contain myself until I could set up an interview. I called and made an appointment with someone named Barbie who had been there only a year and had already being promoted to management. It had nothing to do with her being related to the CEO.

I visualized myself in my new cubical, doing important tasks on the computer, handling business efficiently, watering my plants, and all at a much higher salary. I was beginning to get enthusiastic about how I was going to spend all that extra money.

I got out the old resume and padded it shamelessly to make my current job sound responsible. I wanted to make an impression, a very good impression. I typed it up and dreamed about how great this new job was going to be as I watched it print.

I figured I needed the perfect outfit to wear for the big day. Somehow I had a feeling that Barbie didn’t come to work in a gray flannel suit. I finally decided to buy something new, a navy blue dress in the new longer length that was stylish but businesslike. They call it “dressing for success.” It maxed out my credit card, but I figured no sacrifice was too great when it came to advancing my career.

It took me most of the day, but I tried to think of possible questions that they might ask and possible answers I might give to emphasize my impressive profession qualities without giving away any of my shortcomings. No need to mention the computer files I once accidentally deleted or the time I burned popcorn in the office microwave, I decided.

I rehearsed a few answers in front of the mirror, which was hard because being a female, I had to keep stopping to fix my hair. By the time the big day came, I was pretty nervous. I dropped the toothpaste in the toilet and nearly stabbed myself in the eye with mascara. By the time I finished, however, my hair was perfect, my makeup tasteful, and I had on plenty of deodorant.

It took two motivational tapes to get me out the door, but I finally felt ready. I showed up right on time, not too early and certainly not too late. I clenched my teeth and smiled, trying not to be irritated at being kept waiting while Barbie made an appointment for her hair, nails and aerobic class.

At last I was ushered in. The interviewer began to drill me with the expectations of the new job and asked none of the questions that I had rehearsed. I maintained eye contact and tried hard not to faint until perhaps later when no one was watching. I wondered how long it would take my resume to be filed in the paper shredder after I left. When it was finished, I shook her hand and thanked her for her time, feeling as if the IRS had audited me.

Back at the old office, I lacked the strength to use my computer mouse, so I simply stared at the screen saver all afternoon, wondering why I had never noticed all the pretty colors before. Well, if I don’t get the job at least I will know why. The CEO probably had another relative.

My greatest fear, however, was not that I might NOT get the job, but that they might actually offer it to me.

-0-

Have you ever been to an interview that made you wonder if they actually intended to hire someone?  Have you ever turned down a good job offer?  I would be interested in knowing.

©2003

Posted in Humor, Work Humor | Tagged , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Café Cocoa and the Alien

coffeeIt was a strange looking place – more like a house than a coffee shop. Could that be why they call them “coffee houses?” For a minute I wasn’t sure whether to go inside of not. Finally, I figured, “What have I got to lose?” Besides, it was cold outside.

It isn’t the sort of place I normally go to. I was waiting on my daughter.  On one side a group of young people  poured over books with coffee and papers spread all over the table, obviously students from a nearby university. “What am I getting into here?” I wondered.

In the back was a counter where two people debated over what to order. I looked at the menu scribbled on a blackboard, concoctions of pineapple and caramel that sound more like ice-cream sundaes than coffee. I picked the one with the least amount of whipped cream and waited my turn.

The couple finally took their selection and wandered toward the back of the house. I peered down the hall after them. The server ignored my presence busying herself with washing cups or some other menial chore. Finally, she acknowledged me standing there just as I was about at the point of leaving.

I ordered my coffee unable to take my eyes off her chin. What is that? A pierced lower lip with a stud? I tried not to let my own tongue wander to the inside of my lip as I wondered what it feels like to have metal piercing your lower lip.

After much mixing and blending, all done in slow motion, the coffee was finally ready. I took the frothy blend and again peered down the mysterious hall before deciding on the side room close to the front door. I squeezed into a corner table by a TV set that was being ignored, hoping that I would be treated the same.

One couple was so busy with each other that they scarcely knew anyone else existed at all. Another table of people with weird hair were talking animatedly about politics, or some other earth shaking concern, as if their opinions really made a difference to anyone but them. They all looked very young.

I sipped my coffee and it really wasn’t too bad – didn’t taste a bit like coffee – but not bad. I checked my watch and stared at the documentary on the TV. Not my taste. Finally, I retrieved a used copy of the local alternative paper from another table and flipped through it.

What a dump this place is, peeling paint, rickety tables, a fireplace unused for 40 years, college kids, and a few tough types that appear to have wandered over from a nearby AA meeting house. Definitely not the sort of place usually frequented by middle-aged women. I’m on someone else’s turf, I surmised.

I looked at my watch again, sipped my empty coffee cup, and watched the worthless documentary. Finally, it was time and I could escape. I left my new and unusual company. No one said goodbye.

Do they feel as alien in my world as I do in theirs, I wondered?

“Hi Mom, isn’t the coffee house a neat place? Did you like the coffee?”

“Sure, honey, the coffee was out of this world.”

©2003

Posted in Food, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Pizza, Pizza

pizzaI’m really happy to live in civilization. I used to live on the edge of civilization until urban sprawl caught up and I was absorbed. My definition of civilization is being within a pizza restaurant’s delivery zone. Not being able to order pizza and get it delivered is a genuine
hardship, comparable only to no water, no microwave, no cable, or no cell phone.

Friday night is pizza night at my house. Before we became civilized, we relented ourselves to ordering carryout and picking it up ourselves. Not the same at all as it was always cold by the time we got home and the cheese had turned to chewy leather that would have been perfect for making belts, wallets, or moccasins except for the chopped onions.

On pizza night the first problem is always what kind of pizza to order. Roll call shows that I don’t care as long as it doesn’t have black olives. My significant other doesn’t care as long as it doesn’t have any meat. My daughter doesn’t care as long as it has pepperoni. My grandson doesn’t care because he takes everything off and eats only the bread anyhow. The dog doesn’t care because he will eat anything that remotely resembles food.

As you can see, we already have a problem. Nobody cares but everybody wants something different. Disregarding the dog’s vote, as he is not a certified voter, we’ve pretty much got it down to one large combination and one large mushroom and onion two-topper.

I really hate calling in the order. They always put me on hold until I forget what I want, and then talk in fast-forward mode while taking the order. I’m positive they are making pizza with one hand and taking orders with the other. I fare better with ordering pizza online, no
pressure to hurry and decide between thin crust, hand-tossed and pan pizza.

“Is the pizza coming?” squeals my four-year-old grandson, so excited he is climbing on the backs of the furniture like a squirrel and turning flip-flops in the living room.

My daughter switches on the porch light and opens the door so the delivery person can find the house. My grandson presses his nose against the glass storm door and peers into the darkness straining to see if the car with the pizza flag is coming up the driveway.

“Where are they, grandma? Maybe they got lost!”

“No, honey, they never get lost – they will be here.”

The phone rings. It’s the pizza guy. “Now where exactly is your street?” he asks. I don’t believe it – he is lost! I explain the location and he remembers, or says he does.

A knock on the door and the dog is barking and knocking over furniture as he runs to the door attempting to decide which to eat first, the pizza or the pizza delivery guy.

Pizza! At last! The cheese and other toppings come off of a piece for my grandson. The dog wags his tail frantically as he knows who is going to get that leftover cheese.

I select a slice of the combination pizza, which looks pretty good after I pick off the black olives that I forgot to tell them to omit. Jalapenos! I forgot about jalapenos, Flames shoot out of my mouth and singe the dog’s fur. Mamma Mia, those peppers are hot! I nearly do a few flip-flops myself before finally quenching the fire with a diet cola.

“This is the best pizza in the whole world!” proclaims my grandson as he chews on his second hunk of pizza flavored bread, while the dog stands by waiting for the child to lay it down for a moment so he can grab it and run under the bed.

As I clean up the spilled dipping sauce, drag pizza out from under the bed, throw out the giant boxes that are too big to fit in the trash can, and check out the blisters in my mouth, I sort of wonder if civilization is such a great thing after all.

©2003

Posted in Food, Humor | Tagged , , , , , | 15 Comments

Eat-It-Up Diet

burger

Are you sick of being hungry? Are you tired of tasteless diet food? Now with the Eat-It-Up Diet you can eat all you want. Our diet plans are specially prepared by world class chefs and guaranteed to be delicious or your money back. Eat fried foods, creamy sauces and rich gravies. No more turning away dessert. With our diet, you can eat as much as you want whenever you want it.

Have you been skipping breakfast again to try and cut down on consumption? With our diet plan you can eat three meals a day and be guilt free. Thousands have tried our diet and report that they are eating more and eating better than ever.

veggiesOur diets do not concern themselves with fat content or cholesterol, the words you have learned to hate. Our diet plans are loaded with the good food that we all love. We know you are sick of fish, carrots and broccoli. Red meat is a major part of our meals. Give yourself the food you want and deserve!

Craving mashed potatoes and gravy? Go ahead and indulge. On our diets you can actually eat these foods or anything else that you want. And best of all, no dangerous diet pills or exercise is needed when you follow our plan. You simply stay on the plan for three meals a day and eat snacks as desired between meals.

How is this possible, you wonder? Simple! Eat-It-Up diets are designed to satisfy your food cravings and desire for sweets. They allow you to eat anything you want and still say you are on a diet plan. What could be simpler than that?

Do we guarantee that you will lose weight? Of course not! Unlike other diet plans, we tell the truth. Others promise that you will loose weight, but fail to mention that as soon as you leave the plan, you will regain all you have lost and probably more. In our plan, we simply leave out the period of starvation in the middle and go straight to the final result.

All nutritionists know that crash diets do not work and the so-called healthy weight loss plans allow you to loose weight only temporarily. Here at Eat-It-Up, we opt to tell the truth. Our motto is: “You are what you eat!” Why spend countless hours worrying about losing weight when you will gain it back eventually anyhow?

Forget about going without the high calorie foods you love. You can eat it up and still say you are on a “diet plan.” Your friends will be so amazed by the food you eat that they will be dying to know your secret. Imagine how envious they will be.

This is a diet plan you can stick to. No more getting hungry and going off the diet. Because you can eat anything you want, everything is on the plan. Weight loss plans with cardboard-tasting diet dinners practically beg for you to cheat. So why not just get on a diet plan that you can stay on?

We make no false claims or artificial promises. We tell you right up front that you can continue to eat the same way you always have. If you want to eat unhealthy food, that is strictly your own business. We are here merely to supply a demand. Why do other diets feel they have an obligation to dictate to you what you can and cannot do? With the famous Eat-It-Up diet, it’s your choice.

If you love your meat and potatoes, if you crave sweets and carbohydrates, you can continue to have the food you want. Eat the way that 90% of Americans eat anyhow. No more cheating, no more worrying. The choice is yours.

Choose to Eat-It-Up today and worry about it tomorrow. We’ll be glad you did.

©2002

Posted in Food, Health, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I’m Bored

grass

Watching the grass grow

How long since you’ve been really bored? People seem to believe that there is a human right to NOT be bored. We have television, computers, videos, radio, movies, cable, satellite, Red Box, Netflix, Prime, and On Demand. Heaven forbid that anyone should ever spend any time being bored.

Remember when it was actually possible to spend a boring afternoon? We were forced to find creative ways to entertain ourselves, things like reading books, doing crafts, or just daydreaming. No more. We cannot stand to be bored long enough to dream or think creatively. We rush to push buttons before boredom sets in.

When I was young, life was pretty boring, but somehow we all managed to grow up anyhow. If school was not interesting, we learned to challenge ourselves. Now kids must be entertained to learn. Computers provide constant feedback and stimulate learning, or at least that’s what we are told.

Somehow, our gadgets are not quite as entertaining as they used to be, though. Hundreds of channels on the satellite and still we can’t find anything on television worth watching. Thousands of websites, but we surf aimlessly from one site to another. The biggest challenge for a webmaster is getting a person to stay on a website long enough to look at it.

We have become multitaskers, eating, watching TV, working on the computer, and talking on the phone all at the same time. The more stimulation we have, the more we seem to need. It keeps us from being bored.

Could it be that we have become so overly stimulated that nothing truly entertains us any more? We are always looking for something better, something more interesting, something more exciting – something less boring.

“I’m bored,” is not heard often anymore. And if it is, we seem to think it is our responsibility as parents, teachers, or society as a whole to provide ways to keep people from being bored. Bored children get in trouble, we are told. You have to keep kids busy, entertained. But how do you do that when staying busy itself has become a bore?

There is too much to see, too much to do, too much to entertain us, too much competition for our time and attention. There is no time to watch a sunset, go for a walk, feed the birds, or rediscover the thoughts, meditations and dreams of our own mind.

We are filled with the voices, thoughts and words of other people with values different from our own. The more we absorb, the more alike we all become and the blander, more uniform and more boring life becomes.

Soon nothing will be stimulating enough to keep boredom away. We will sit among our electronic gadgets, surfing from channel to channel on the television, clicking from site to site on the computer, pushing button after button on the remote control, reading email after email, as we look for a something we’ve not seen or heard a hundred times before – or at least something almost like it.

Funny how our minds never died from boredom in the past. Is it really so likely that they will now? Nothing is entertaining enough; nothing is worth our time. We feel forced to seek more and more of the very thing that is causing our demise. We are stuck in information overload.

Perhaps it is time sit back and just do nothing for a while. Perhaps we need to take a little time to clear our minds and just be bored. Maybe, just maybe, a little old-fashioned boredom is not such a bad thing after all.

©2002

 

Posted in Entertainment | Tagged , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Murphy’s Laws for Kids

mom

The original Murphy’s Law is a rule that says: “If something can go wrong, it will.” There are many variations. Here are a few that especially apply to kids.

  • The more you hate spinach, the more likely it is you will have it for dinner.
  • If you miss the school bus, it will always be on the day of a field trip or party.
  • If you spill your milk, the dumb dog won’t lick it up no matter what you promise.
  • If you use the sofa for a trampoline, you will forget about your muddy tennis shoes.
  • If you have a helium birthday balloon, it will get caught in the ceiling fan.
  • The more you need to go potty, the harder it is to get your pants down.
  • If you have an unbreakable toy, it will break it anyway.
  • The harder you try to hide something, the more psychic mom becomes.
  • If you have two best friends, they will like each other better than they like you.
  • If you forget to put something away, it will be the carton of ice cream.
  • If your favorite program is on TV, your little sister will be watching a cartoons.
  • The more you try to sit still in church, the more your underwear scratches.
  • When you have to do you homework before playing outside, you will invariably get stuck on the last problem.
  • The harder you try not to eat before dinner, the more likely a friend will share candy.
  • The more you try to hurry while getting dressed, the greater the probability that you can’t find socks without holes.
  • If you kick anything under the bed, the cat will be sleeping there.
  • If you remember to wash your hands before eating, the dog will lick you on the mouth.
  • The more relatives your have in the audience at the school play, the greater the chance of forgetting your lines.
  • If you remember to turn out the lights in the basement, dad will be downstairs.
  • If you try to flush a dead goldfish, the toilet will clog and run over.
  • The more parts a game has, the greater the likelihood that it will get spilled.
  • If you want junk food, it will always be on the highest kitchen shelf instead of in the bottom cabinet.
  • The more you want to go outside and play, the harder it is to clean your room.
  • The newer your shoes are, the more rain puddles you will see to tempt you.
  • If you wake up with a stomach ache and fever, it will be on Saturday.
  • If Murphy was a kid, he would lose his lunch money.

©2002

Posted in Family, Humor | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

The Big Screen Dream Machine

Embed from Getty Images

Years ago, big-screen TV’s were about the size of a kitchen range and took up half a room.  I will never forget the time when my man first decided that we had to have one.

**********

My honey has a new toy. It’s the ultimate, all time, masculine, state-of-the-art dream machine – a big screen TV.

It started when the old TV began to fade and lose the color once in a while. There was really nothing wrong with it. All you needed to do was turn it off and back on and it worked as good as new. It probably had another year of two of life.

But pushing remote control buttons off and on was too much exercise for my honeyguy. Beside, it was an excuse for him to go to the electronics store and check out the new stuff.

I wouldn’t go with him. We didn’t need anything from the electronics store as far as I was concerned. We already have so many gadgets that we can’t figure out which remote control goes to what.

He came home with that I’ve-been-brainwashed-by-a-salesman look on his face. “How would you like to have a TV that hangs on the wall?”

“NO!” I screamed. I thought that was the end of it. I couldn’t understand why he blatantly insisted on going back to the electronic store again. Probably wants to give the salesman the bad news in person, I surmised.

Then “it” came. “It” was half as big as the house. “Good grief! That won’t even fit through the door!” Not to worry, the delivery guys have a shoehorn and Vaseline to squeeze it though the doorway, if needed.

As they wheeled it in, the floor buckled and furniture slid to the center of the room. I watched in a daze as the cat disappeared. Grabbing a toppling lamp and holding to the doorframe to avoid slipping into the void, I gasped, “My gosh! That’s the biggest TV I’ve ever seen!”

“But, you said that you didn’t want the kind that hangs on the wall. This is the other one.”

Male logic, I’ll never understand it.

“I don’t suppose you would consider returning it,” I asked. I need not have bothered asking.

Honey was in a man’s world. Testosterone had numbed his brain and he was too busy figuring out the buttons on the new remote control to even hear me. He muttered something about having given away the old one already. Men cover their bases, don’t they?

Besides having a screen big enough to make a stadium scoreboard jealous, “it” has speakers – lots of speakers, front speakers, rear speakers, rattle-the-windows speakers, shake-the-roof speakers, and vibrate-your-eardrums speakers.

“Where are you going to put all those speakers,” I foolishly asked.

“Oh, I’ll just hang them from the wall,” he said. Of course, silly me, just hang them from the wall. I envisioned all the ugly holes this was going make in my wall and shuttered.

“I think I have some old speakers up in the attic. Maybe I can hook them up too,” he speculated.

“Please, NO!” I threw myself in front of the attic door and threatened bodily harm if he even thought about going upstairs. Any more speakers and the house would explode.

We now have shelves behind “it” to hold all the mysterious black boxes that came with the package: tuner, speakers, subwoofer, DVD and tape players. We have wires running crisscross to speakers on the walls. I feel as if I have died and gone to e-hell.

Watching “it” is like setting on the front row at the movies. My eyes water as a bigger than life police car chases bigger than life bad guys across the screen. It’s a woman’s worst nightmare and a man’s biggest daydream all in one massive manifestation of media.

I watch the walls buckle and ride the shock waves, holding tightly to my sanity as the curtains shred and wallpaper peels.

“Can you turn off some of the speakers?” I scream.

“I’ll need to go to the electronics store first for more cable.”

“You’d better come back with a cable and nothing else,” I shout, as I envision him in a hypnotic trace, seduced by electronic gadgets that force themselves upon him with easy payment plans.

So, my honey owns a big screen TV – or “it” owns my honey. Wonder how long it will be before they come out with something bigger and better and “it” will become obsolete?

Not soon enough, I’m sure.

**********

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I endured this big black monstrocity for eight long years until it finally succumbed to age and we purchased a flat-screen TV and hung it on the wall. Sympathy notes appreciated.

(c)2003

Posted in Entertainment, Home, Humor | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

Losing It

cellMy guy has some excellent qualities, but keeping up with his cell phone is not one of them. He has misplaced his phone so often that I have lost count of the number of times.

The other day it happened again. We were in the car heading home after work when he reached for his phone and it wasn’t there.

“My cell phone is gone!” he exclaimed, as he scrambled around in his pockets while still trying to drive.

“Call the number from my phone and maybe someone will answer.”  But it only rang and rang. Either no one found it or whoever found it intended to keep it.

“Maybe you lost it in the office?” I suggested.

We circled the block and parked in a no parking zone while he ran inside to check. Shortly he returned — phoneless.

“It wasn’t there.”

“Did you check with security?”

“Yes, they didn’t have it.”

We returned to the parking garage, checked the stairs, checked around where the car was parked, called the number. Nothing. Finally, we gave up.

“Maybe you left it at home? When is the last time you remember using it?”

“I can’t remember.”

So, I called and asked my daughter to look for it. Maybe he dropped it in the yard when walking the dog. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Soon she called back. “I found it,” she said,“I called his number and heard music in the bedroom.”

Well, at least it is found. End of crisis this time.

We once spent an hour checking everywhere we had been in an entire office park. I found that phone weeks later at home under the bed. It had already been disconnected and replaced, of course.

Another time we found one in the wet grass where he had walked the dog.

He always gets insurance in case of loss. Someone like him had better have good insurance. However, even with insurance you can only get a phone replaced a limited number of times until they no longer want your business.

Strangely, lost phones always seem to show up eventually but not until you give up hope, have it deactivated, and get a new one.  The best time to find one is right away, while it still rings and before the battery goes dead — or the day after you buy a new one.

No one is perfect, of course. I lost mine once in the parking garage. I called the number and someone answered. I was lucky.

My daughter lost my phone once in a resort in Texas. We spent days looking and asking only to have the hotel call a month after we got home to say someone had turned it in. It had already been replaced.

I found a cell phone once on a hospital parking lot. I just turned it in to security and let them deal with finding the owner. My daughter said she has found two at gas stations while pumping gas.  I imagine airports and restaurants probably have boxes of them.

Losing cell phones seems to be an epidemic. Usually people are honest and return them. If you return them to the cell phone company, do they return them to the owner? Or should you call every number in the phone’s directory saying, “I found this phone.”

Phones with trackers seem like a good idea, but even with those you can only find the general area where the phone is and not a specific spot.

So, I don’t know what the answer is other than being careful.

If you figure something out, let me know.  I think I’ll go check and be sure mine is still in my purse.

©2008

Posted in Humor, Technology | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments