Humor Columnist Blog

The “S” Word

Posted on January 6, 2017 by Sheila Moss

The official snowflake has fallen. Winter is here! People in the city all rush to the windows to see. Skyscrapers lean under their weight.

“Is it?”

“I think it is!”

“Yes! It’s a snowflake!”

Magnifying glasses are brought out as everyone gathers around to observe the first snowflake of the season. They shake their heads in wonder and exclaim in unison, “It’s SNOW!”

As realization sweeps over them, panic sets in. A snowflake could have relatives. Heads turn skyward to see. Cars on the interstate, impatient for the bad weather that is sure to come, begin to crash into each by the dozens even before the snow starts to fall.

In the suburbs, herds of housewives flock to the grocery store in four-wheel drive vehicles. They quickly clean out the bread and toilet paper aisles and then move on to the non-perishable goods. Country mentality still prevails in the South. Stock up “just in case” you are snowed in.

Wheels spin and skid as the second tiny snowflake of the season is crushed unnoticed under the wheels of the vehicles. The herds stampede home in caravans with supplies to stock the cupboards for the rest of winter while they wait for “The Big Snow.”

It is not until the grocery store is totally empty that the weather reporter announces that the winter storm warning has been cancelled. It is difficult not to wonder if weathermen and grocery stores could possibly be in cahoots, periodically announcing a snow panic just to move merchandise.

Winter in the South – how I love it! Southerners do not have a clue about how to drive in snow. The wise bubbas stay at home out of harms way. The less astute take to the roads in their light-ended pickup trucks driving like rednecks will, spinning out at every bridge or icy spot. The ditches are soon full of abandoned vehicles.

Even those southern residents who have lived in the North where it snows all the time take their lives in their hands driving on snowy roads in the South where precious few have any snow driving experience.

The last “real” snow, an inch or two, was a few years ago and it took me over four hours to get to work that morning, a normal drive of about 30 minutes in rush hour traffic. The mere mention of the “S” word is enough to give any commuter a migraine sufficient to call in sick over.

Kids love bad weather, of course. As soon as the media mentions the “S” word, the schools are instantly closed. The kids stay home to write fan letters to TV’s Snowbird, who announces the latest school closings. It was a long, long, time ago, but everyone still remembers the horror of the year it snowed after the kids got to school. Not to worry, that will never happen again.

The best thing about snow in the South is that it doesn’t last long. Most people don’t even own a snow shovel. They just wait for it to melt. Why bother when it will probably be in the 40’s tomorrow? Snow blower? What’s a snow blower? Snow plows? Don’t make me laugh.

Oops! I think I saw another flake of snow. Wake up the metro salt crew and tell them it’s time to order salt. Looks like it’s snowing. Speaking of salt, we never waste it by salting a bridge before it is slick. We save it until we are sure it is really needed.

The snow is really starting to fall now. The weatherman predicted, “NO SNOW.” That makes it certain there will be several inches, at least. It’s the snowstorms they DO predict that never come.

Excuse me now, I feel a headache coming on

Copyright 2000 Sheila Moss

Posted in Humor, Weather | Tagged Just in case, No snow, Predicting weather, S word, School closings, Snow, Snow shovels, Snowfall, Snowflake, Snowy roads, Stock up, Storm warnings, Winter | 7 Comments

Ready or Not?

Posted on January 4, 2017 by Sheila Moss

The Christmas crazies are over for another year. The gifts have been opened and the wrappings hauled away by the trash men to contribute to the cities’ waste disposal problem or burned in the fireplace to contribute to the world’s pollution problem.

Amateur time at the mall is over and the pro shoppers have returned to scratch for bargains. At the local Walmart there are more return lines than there are check out lines and everything purchased in the final days of wild “gotta get something” spending has been returned for something useful.

The talk now is all about politics, what is ahead of us as we anticipate the beginning of a new era with a new type of President in charge. Some are predicting the worst and even preparing for a potential disaster with supplies of food, water, medicine, cash, gasoline, flashlights, batteries, cooking and heating supplies. Sounds like we are expecting the end of civilization.

I wonder how we ever made it back in the olden days before modern conveniences? Of course, we were geared for a different sort of existence then, weren’t we? I thought about getting extra wood for the fireplace, and thought about stocking up on canned goods, and managed to come home with two extra jugs of bottled drinking water.

I’ve heard that old-fashioned oil lamps were a popular Christmas gift this year. Lucky me, I already have an oil lamp, maybe two if that decorative one in the living room still actually works. I even have a flashlight for emergencies; of course, extra batteries might be a good idea. I don’t think the little AA ones that we keep around for the clocks and beepers are the right size for anything much.

The Department of Homeland Security and the Red Cross advise everyone to be ready for an emergency at all times as the possibility of a natural or man-made disaster is always present: tornados, wildfires, hazardous material accidents, earthquakes, hurricanes, or floods — not to mention terrorism, riots, or acts of war. They publish lists of the items to keep on hand in case of evacuation or a shelter-in-place warning.

It all gets very confusing. Do I buy candles and food or just forget it? Around here we still remember the big ice storm of several years ago when half the area went without electricity for weeks and weeks in the middle of February and the electric company wouldn’t answer the phone. But the general mood seems to be one of cautious optimism.

Is anyone actually stocking up, other than survivalist types who probably have it all anyhow? As usual, the prepared people are ready and have their shotguns loaded. I’ve never quite figured out why the survivalists need guns. Guess they are afraid that everyone else will mob them and attempt to take it away. Personally, I think I’d attack the grocery store or food warehouse first, but what do I know?

Survival around here would be a short-term thing. We are too dependent on the necessities of modern life, the artificial environment we have created for ourselves. Like most of us, I will believe those who say that nothing will happen, problems will not be severe or widespread, nothing disastrous will happen and life will go on as usual. But the more I think about this stuff, the more nervous I feel. Let’s see, I could always use the extra food later if the world doesn’t end.

I’d like to speculate a bit more on all of this, but I think I’d better run over to Walmart and see if I can find D size batteries, “just in case.” I don’t really think anything bad will happen, of course.

Copyright 1999-2017 Sheila Moss
Rewrite of prior story

Posted in Humor, News & Current Events | Tagged Be prepared, Catastrophy, Disaster prepardness, Disasters, Fear of unknown, Panic, Politics, Social unrest, supplies, Survival, Tragety, Trump | 4 Comments

Mind Your Peas

Posted on January 1, 2017 by Sheila Moss

black-eyed-peas Have a bad year and are wishing for better luck next year? Try eating some black-eyed peas. Black-eyed peas on New Year’s Day are a southern tradition. There seems to be little agreement on how this custom began, though, or why a food as humble as black-eyed peas might be considered lucky.

In some places, black-eyed peas are called “cowpeas” because they were once only used as fodder for the cattle. Some believe the custom of eating black-eyed peas for luck started during the Civil War when southern troops under siege had to exist on what was available and considered peas lucky because they prevented starvation.

Others believe the custom was started by poor folks who learned to “make do” with whatever food they had available. Some of the creative recipes born out of necessity and poverty were quite delicious and these “soul foods” became a part of southern culture. Due to scarcity of food in winter, it was considered lucky to have a plentiful supply of peas at the beginning of the New Year.

It may be that the association of luck with black-eyed peas is much older than American history, however, and goes back to times of the past. The first visitor of the New Year in some cultures was thought to determine the luck of a household for the following year. A gentleman considered lucky was invited to accompany “lady luck” and welcomed with a kiss and a bowl of black-eyed pea soup.

It is sometimes alleged that what is done on the first day of a new year will be continued for the entire year. Believing this, it becomes important to eat lucky foods to ensure a good year. In addition to the peas, southerners may eat cooked greens or cabbage, which represents money or prosperity, and cornbread which represents gold. Black-eyed peas, however, are always fundamental.

In the winter, black-eyed peas are usually found as dried peas that must be soaked overnight in water before cooking. Usually the peas are slow simmered or cooked in a crock-pot on low heat until done. Black-eyed peas are usually seasoned with salt-pork, jowl, or even the hambone from a country ham. Southerners have learned not to be wasteful, especially with food. Rice, another lucky food, is added in some regions, along with sausage and tomatoes to make a dish called “Hoppin’ John.”

Black-eyed peas have a distinctive flavor that not everyone appreciates. Some people will not eat them at all, saying that eating black-eyed peas is just a superstition and they don’t believe they bring good luck. Probably most people eat the peas now less out of superstition than because it has become a custom ingrained in southern culture.

Outside of the southern states, people sometimes don’t even know what black-eyed peas are. However, they are easy to recognize because each pea has a black spot or “eye” where it detached from the peapod. Southerners eat black-eyed peas year long and just consider them “good eatin.”

My southern mama always made black-eyed peas. I hated them, but choked down a bite or two for luck on New Year’s — just in case. I swore I would never eat another black-eyed pea when I became an adult, lucky or not. However, I have learned to cook frozen black-eyed peas, which taste much fresher and less starchy than the dried ones, and now I almost like them.

Whatever other foods are eaten, black-eyed peas are a comfort food that has become a necessity in the south for welcoming in the New Year. It is often believed that you should eat 365 peas on New Year’s Day to ensure luck for each day of the coming year.

So, here’s wishing you joy and prosperity for the coming year. May you have good health, good fortune, and may your home be as filled with luck as a pot full of black-eyed peas.

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss

Posted in Food, Holidays, Humor, Southern Humor | Tagged Black-eyed Peas, Comfort Food, Cowpeas, Good Luck, Happy New Year, Lucky Foods, New Year's, Soul Food, Southern traditions, Superstition, Traditional foods | 7 Comments

An Interview with Father Time

Posted on December 30, 2016 by Sheila Moss

Father Time, before we begin I just have to ask you this. Do you hate it when your alarm clock goes off in the morning?

Oh, my dear, I do not have a clock or an alarm. Those were invented for mortals. I move through eternity at my own speed. When you snooze, you lose.

What is your greatest concern, Father Time?

At my age, I’ve seen more than I want to think about. I’ve seen the rise and fall of civilizations, the birth and death of great leaders. It’s been worse than reality TV. But such events are merely small wrinkles in the sands of time.

Well, that’s sort of scary. Are you saying that time never dies?

In a manner of speaking. People continue to waste time — some attempt to kill time. But regardless of how much it is abused, time goes on.

Do you have a hard time deciding what you will do with so much time on your hands?

No, I am pretty busy making sure that people have enough time to accomplish what needs to be done. I travel completely around the world every day. The way time flies, I should get frequent flyer miles.

Doesn’t it become repetitious, Father Time?

No, not at all, my dear, time never repeats itself, you know. Each passing day is gone forever and each new day is another episode, sort of like a soap opera.

Are you looking forward to the New Year then?

Yes, I am busy preparing the nursery for Baby New Year. The past will become history and we will welcome the birth of a New Year. I long ago gave up on thinking of baby names and just give them numbers now.

Do you ever plan to retire?

Oh, no, the baby New Year learns from the experience of the past. Some kids are smarter than others are. But a few have not been worth the time it took to potty train them.

Well, if we can move on… You present a striking figure, Father Time, in a long white robe with your flowing beard. Do you ever have time for romance?

I did have a bit of a thing with Mother Nature, but she wants her own way. I’ve been around too long to put up with a conniving female who wants to turn back time and change the natural environment. Silly woman is always having temper tantrums too. I keep telling the woman that time must go forward, not backwards.

What do you do for fun, Father Time?

Oh, I play a few little games from time to time. Mortals always say they have no time. If they would just manage it better, they would have all the time in the world. I get a kick from being sure that there is never quite enough time to do everything, though. Gives us guys an excuse for not getting chores finished before the football game comes on TV.

That reminds me, what time it is?

Good question. Every since the beginning of time people have attempted to figure that out. They have made sundials, invented pendulums, worn quartz watches, and now measure it in nanoseconds. It’s all the same to me — just one doggoned day after another.

Well, time is about up. We probably need to end this interview. Do you have any parting thoughts?

No, but if you think of a new way to save time, let me know. I could use a little time out myself, maybe take a wee vacation and get out of Greenwich for a while. But. . . I need to go now. Time never stands still. It’s going on midnight and I’ve got an appointment at Times Square.

Happy New Year, Father Time!

And there you have it, an interview with the legendary Father Time. I sure hope the new baby doesn’t arrive early. It would spoil his entire year.

Posted in Holidays, Humor | Tagged 2017, Auld Lang Syne, Clock, Father Time, Happy New Year, Midnight, New Year, New Year's Baby, Out of time, Passing time, time, Time management, What time is it? | 5 Comments

With Resolution

Posted on December 27, 2016 by Sheila Moss

Well, it’s almost the beginning of the year again and everyone is talking about making New Year’s resolutions, as if turning the page on the calendar is incentive enough for ending all bad habits and beginning of a new page in the book of life.

Now, I’m of the opinion that no one keeps New Year’s resolutions in spite of good intentions. Actually, if we need to make major improvements in ourselves, we shouldn’t wait for a New Year to do so, but that seems to be a moot point.

If you must make resolutions, one of the most popular, and probably the most needed, is the one to lose weight. About 80% of Americans could stand to shed a few pounds. Just thinking about all the people wanting to lose weight is enough to scare restaurant owners out of business. Unfortunately, people have to eat, which is the only excuse most of us need.

Another popular resolution is the one to stop smoking. Government seems to have resolved to help people keep this one with laws against smoking in public places. But for the truly addicted, this resolution seems to last only about as long as it takes until it is time to light up the next cigarette.

Some people resolve to improve their minds, either by formal classes or by self-improvement though study. This one usually falls by the wayside before we actually get around to finding classes to register for. It is much easier to go home and watch TV. We rationalize by saying we will watch something educational. Who do we think we are kidding?

According to surveys, many people resolve to get a different job, one that is worthy of their extraordinary talents. Sort of scary that so many people are dissatisfied with their job that they are ready to leave. Chances are that if they were actually were willing to work at job hunting, they would be gone already and not worrying about making a resolution to quit.

Spending less money or paying off bills is a good resolution for many people. Maybe that’s why they want a new job, come to think of it. Of course while we figure out a way to save money, retailers and banks are making resolutions to try and think of more ways to get people to spend and to pay higher interest. So, far they seem to be better at keeping their resolutions than consumers are.

Nearly all resolutions have to do with personal improvement. That goes without explanation since it doesn’t do a lot of good to try and improve other people anyhow. In fact, a useful resolution might be to spend less time worrying about what others do, and more worrying about what we do.

It’s a vicious circle, isn’t it? At least we do think about some of our less attractive habits and behaviors and the need to change our ways. Who knows, it may help us to be somewhat more aware of our shortcomings and more determined to try a bit harder to do better in the future.

The best way to keep resolutions, they say, is to keep the list short and attainable. Mine is so short there is nothing on it at all. Even so, I will probably still not only not be able to keep any resolutions, I will even lose the piece of paper they should be written on and the pen to write them with.

We might as well admit it. The main thing some of us need to change is our attitude about changing. I’ll make a note of it if I find my pen and paper.

Copyright 2007 Sheila Moss

Is there anything you would like to change in your life? Do you make any New Year’s resolutions.

Posted in Holidays, Humor | Tagged Attitude change, Bad Habits, Behavior, Bucket list, Calendar, Change, End of Year, Happy New Year, New Year's Resolutions, Personal growth, Personal improvement, self-improvement, Shortcomings | 6 Comments

101 Things to Do With a Dead Christmas Tree

Posted on December 26, 2016 by Sheila Moss

deadtree That real, live Christmas tree seemed so special when you decided to buy it. Now, there it is in the middle of the living room, the once alive Christmas tree drawing its last breath. Now some people may just want to leave it there for a conversation piece until next Christmas. But most of us sooner or later figure we have to do something else with that tree.

On television they suggested that you bring your tree to the local park and let it be chopped up into mulch. That seems environmentally sound and a good enough suggestion for the creatively challenged. But, if there are 101 things to do with a dead cat, surely there must be at least that many things to do with a dead Christmas tree.

Naturally, I now have to list them:

Well, we might use it for a coat tree, or hat rack since it’s already in the living room and handy.

Of course, there are many, many other things. We could use it as a planter and let it be covered with climbing ivy. We could use the branches to fashion dried floral arrangements or winter centerpieces.

We can use it for a decorative money gift tree, assuming we have any left after Christmas, or a shoetree.

We can chop it up and use it for kindling, toothpicks, or a game of pickup sticks.

We could use it for a kitty scratching post, a perch for pet birds, or a handy pet pit stop We could stick berries or fruit on the dry branches and make a natural outdoor bird feeder.

We could use it for an umbrella tree, recipe holder, mug tree, or to hang towels in the bathroom.

With needles removed, it would make a great closet organizer. It could be used as a lingerie rack, necktie rack, or organizer for belts.

Branches could be removed for numerous uses, such as, feather duster substitutes, toilet brushes, pot scrubbers, toothbrushes, or back scratches. Branches could be tied together and used as a broom or bug swatter.

It could be taken outside for target practice, put in the lake for fish beds, used as a fence post, or dressed up to become a scarecrow. imaginative,

Needles could be used to stuff cushions, pillows, or stuffed toys to save the environment. They could be woven for floor mats, rustic place mats or wall hangings.

Needles can also double as landscaping mulch around shrubs, and provide nesting materials for birds and wildlife. But, there we are being practical again.

How about making snowshoes from limbs, using the tree as a sled, tying together branches for a hula skirt, or using the tree for a dancing partner?

It could also be used to celebrate other holidays. In the spring it could be used for a May Pole or an Easter egg tree. Branches would make great torches for a party, or the tree could be used for a bonfire on Halloween.

If you live in the South, you can put it on the front porch with the old couch and washing machine, or chop it up for firewood.

Or, if you live in the South, you most likely could add bacon grease and cook up a mess of Christmas tree needles since we cook and eat about anything else that’s ever been alive.

Now I know that isn’t quite 101 things, which probably goes to show that even a dead cat is more useful than a dead Christmas tree.

After I’ve listed all these ideas, I suppose you still intend to haul your tree to the park and get it made into mulch?

That’s certainly what I intend to do with mine!

Copyright 2003 Sheila Moss

Question: Do you still use a live tree for Christmas? Can you think of anything not mentioned that a dead tree could be used for?

Posted in Crafts/Hobbies, Holidays, Humor | Tagged After Christmas, Brain storming, Christmas Tree, Creative thinking, Dead trees, Imaginative ideas, Original ideas, Things to do, Thinking outside the box, White Elephants | 3 Comments

I’m a Grinch

Posted on December 22, 2016 by Sheila Moss

snow-people

Some people handle Christmas well. They have cards addressed from their alphabetized list and sent out by the first of December. I consider sending cards the week before Christmas, but forget to buy them and can’t find my list anyhow. So, I say it is too late and think maybe next year. That has been working for over 20 years. I only get cards from the dentist and plumber now.

I’m a Grinch

I keep the Christmas wrapping paper upstairs in the attic, but I noticed last time I was upstairs that the box has split and paper is rolling all over the attic. What a mess. People say that it is more fun if the gifts are wrapped and people get to anticipate and tear them open. In my case, wrapping paper went into storage when gift bags came into my life. Gift bags are the best invention that Santa ever made.

I’m a Grinch.

Christmas holidays seem to come closer and closer together as the years pass. Fortunately, my kids are older and like gift cards better than gifts. I can do all my shopping in about 10 minutes at the gift card rack in the supermarket or drug store. My most difficult decision is deciding which plastic picture I like best. For the few things I need to buy, I order online and let Goggle or Amazon do the walking.

I’m a Grinch,

My Christmas tree gets smaller each year. It now sets on a table and has lights built in. What I’m waiting for is one that also has the ornaments pre-attached and can open automatically like a pop-up umbrella, ready to use. Until then my tree will keep shrinking every year. By next year it may be gone entirely. At least I won’t have to chase cats out of it and re-hang ornaments that they have scattered all over the house.

I’m a Grinch.

Christmas, like everything else, is for young people. My Christmas spirit has been spirited away, right up the chimney like Santa. I keep suffering through the hubbub and hullabaloo and manage to keep my sanity, or at least some of it. I would forget the entire thing and go skiing, except that I don’t know how to ski.

I’m a Grinch.

Some say the commercialization of Christmas has ruined it. Too many houses decorated with lights and choreographed to music; too many stores playing Christmas carols in October; too many Christmas commercials on television; too many artificial Christmas trees with coordinated decorations; and too many television specials competing with Norman Rockwell and Currier and Ives.

I’m a Grinch.

Last year I put up a tiny Charlie Brown tree at the office that we found in the cubicle of someone who had moved on. I decorated it and located an extension cord for the lights. After crawling around under the desk looking for a plug, I realized the lights on the tree were battery operated. See what I mean? Even when I try to do the expected thing, it doesn’t turn out right. Maybe we will find some C size batteries before Christmas. Maybe not.

I’m a Grinch.

The days of wondering what I’ll get for Christmas are long gone. I don’t care anymore whether I receive gifts or not. I have everything I really want or need. The best thing about Christmas is that hard candy that you can’t get at any other time of the year, that and some time off work. A really great gift would be three extra days off work. .

I’m a Grinch.

All the planning and anticipation, all the getting ready, buying gifts, planning, all the work, and in a day — it is all over. Whoosh! Time to clean up the mess, put it away, and be done with it until next October. I don’t know which is more difficult, getting ready or cleaning up. And this is why I’ve decided that…

I’m a Grinch.

Copyright 2012 Sheila Moss

Posted in Holidays, Humor | Tagged Charlie Brown, Christmas, Christmas Cards, Christmas Lights, Christmas trees, Gift Cards, Grinch, Santa, Scrooge, Wrapping gifts | 7 Comments

An Interview with Santa

Posted on December 16, 2016 by Sheila Moss

santa Humor Columnist Blog is proud to present an exclusive interview with one of the most famous personalities of our time and all time. We have managed to wrangle an interview with one of the truly great humanitarians and philanthropists. Please welcome, Mr. Santa Claus!

1. Santa, you set ambitious goals and work hard to achieve them, don’t you?

Yes, Santa has ambitious goals. Santa has to. How else will all the children get toys? I work 364 days a year. It isn’t easy being Santa.

2. Do you like situations that require thinking?

Santa loves a challenge. He likes to think of the perfect gift for every boy and girl in the world. He spends a lot of time thinking about what gifts to make and how to keep the toy manufactures from fouling up and creating more demand than Santa can fill.

3. What about the election Santa, how do you feel about the outcome?

Santa doesn’t get involved in politics. He likes to get along with everybody all over the world. Santa did get a few requests from politicians, but Santa does not deliver votes.

4. Do you spend much time with your friends?

Santa doesn’t get out much for bowling or for a beer with the elves. What would the kids think if the saw me downing a tall one? They think I only drink milk.

5. But you do you keep in close touch with friends and family, don’t you?

Santa receives tons and tons of mail. Just ask the U.S. Postal Service if you don’t believe me. Although Santa can’t always reply due to the volume, he reads every letter. The good folks of Santa Claus, Indiana have been a big help in replying to my mail. Feedback is very important in keeping up with consumer demand, you know

6. You must have lots of energy.

Energy? Santa must visit the entire world in just one night! Try going down that many chimneys and see how much energy you have left! Ms. Claus has been threatening to leave me for years, but a good soak in the hot tub and Santa is like new.

7. Do you like feeling that you are attractive to other people?

Santa doesn’t worry much about looks at his age, but he does like to have a clean red suit and polished boots. It’s important to keep a professional image.

8. What about attitude, do you try to keep a positive attitude?

Of course, Santa has a positive attitude. Why wouldn’t he? Are you trying to suggest there is something wrong with me? You women are worse than the elves, always whining about something. If they would quit the whining and just work, Santa could get a whole lot more done! Maybe even vacation in Martha’s Vineyard some time.

9. What about relationships with other people, are those important to you?

Who has time for a relationship with another person? I spend all my time with reindeer and elves!

10. We won’t get into that here, Santa, as time does not permit. But do you consider yourself a jealous person?

Santa is not jealous. Who is more loved that he is? Others may be jealous of him, but he doesn’t care. If they think they can outgive Santa, let ’em try! They don’t need to be writing asking for more stock options either cause Santa remembers when … er, sorry … forgot…I’m just sayin’!

11. Do you like the challenge of unpredictable situations?

That depends – not if it consists of getting involved with helicopters.

12. Does having consistency in life help you?

Yes, Santa follows a close schedule, you know, to coordinate everything for his big day. Public appearances in December, parades, office parties, as well as managing his toy workshop and coordinating orders and deliveries.

13. Does any of it bother you?

The parades are getting a bit hard. I like the excitement, but the cold is rough. I’d rather get cold watching a good football game. How ’bout them Packers?

14. Do you ever put up a front to keep others from knowing the real Santa Claus?

Santa has a beard, but that is not to hide who he really is. I mean, how many other guys have the guts to wear a red velvet suit and hat?

15. Then you consider yourself a kind person?

Of course, I’m kind! Santa treats his elves well, gives them jobs and careers in toy manufacturing. Where else can an elf find a full time job these days with paid leave on Christmas Day? I do have to keep an eye on the reindeer, however. They just hang out all year and when I ask them to work once a year, they act like it is a big favor. Stupid reindeer. I don’t know why I every started the sled and reindeer bit anyhow. A flying Corvette would be better.

16. Santa, you seem to have an opinion on everything!

Who me? Like I said, Santa just minds his own business. He is only answering these questions because you asked him.

17. Are you ever tense or worried, Santa?

Ho, ho, ho! Santa never worries. Ms. Claus worries about weather and me staying out so late and gallivanting around all over the world. But let her fuss! Who else would put up with put up with her cooking? No wonder Santa is so fat, trying to eat all those cookies she bakes. Woman has a compulsion!

18. Do you like being Santa Claus?

Yes, I command respect from just about everybody and most of the greats have come to me for something at one time another. I remember the time little Donny Trump asked for his first hotel. Santa said no, but his daddy let him have it anyhow.

19. How do feel about unpredictable people?

Children are the most unpredictable. They pull my beard, wet on my suit, and then ask for expensive computer toys their parents can’t afford.

20. Do you like new and unusual things?

Santa sorta likes these new-fangled computer toys. Santa uses a computer to keep up with his list better, and he is training the elves in computer programming. If they do well, Santa may go into consulting where the real money is. Even Santa has expenses and overhead, you know.

21. You must get a warm feeling from cooperating with others.

Santa gets a warm feeling from doing his own thing, which is delivering toys. He expects others to appreciate him and gets a warm feeling when they do. He also has a warm feeling for Ms. Claus but, being a gentleman, Santa won’t discuss that.

22. Do you have any competition?

Santa sorta has a corner on the gift giving market he has been in the business of giving away stuff for so long. Lotteries are getting in on the action a bit, but they will never compete with Santa.

23. Do you like to do things on the spur of the moment?

I did make a stop at Las Vegas once while making a delivery, but that was a long time ago. Santa just wanted to see what it would be like to get something for nothing. Didn’t win anything, Santa never gets anything but milk and cookies, but I did pick up a few ideas for new toys.

24. Is it important to you to have as much as your friends?

Santa doesn’t care about keeping up with the Jones. Santa just needs a few basics and a big screen TV and he is all set. What is success? Having more than other people or just learning to be happy with what you’ve got? That’s what I keep telling kids, but they don’t listen. They just want more and more stuff every year.

25. Overall, are you satisfied with yourself and your life?

Yes, Santa is satisfied. He makes kids happy and that gives one a certain amount of satisfaction. Santa does not measure success by possessions; he measures it in love. In terms of possessions, Santa is not very successful, a small cottage, low paid elves that work for food, a few reindeer that eat more than they bring in. In terms of possessions, Santa has little. In terms of love Santa comes out better

26. Do you ever buy things to make a good impression on others?

No… I give things away things to make a good impression on others. Guess you think there is something wrong with always giving, don’t you? Guess you think I have low self-esteem and try to buy love and friendship with gifts. Is that what you think?

27. Would you work 24 hours a day 7 days a week to get your job done?

I’ve already said that! What kind of stupid interview is this anyhow? You just want to make Santa look bad, don’t you? After all the dolls and bicycles Santa brought you too!

28. Santa, do you ever feel useless?

Useless? I’ll tell you what’s useless. This stupid interview is what’s useless. Santa has got to learn to say NO! And Santa is going to start right now! Santa will see you next year. Don’t bother to write!

Thanks for the interview, Santa. It was just what I wanted for Christmas. I still believe! I knew you’d come through!

That’s it folks, from the North Pole, the infamous Santa Claus.

Bye, Santa, bye! We believe! Merry Christmas everybody!

Posted in Holidays, Humor | Tagged Christmas, Elves, Gifts, Interview, kids, North Pole, Red Suit, Reindeer, Santa Claus | 2 Comments

The Yuletide Stalker

Posted on December 14, 2016 by Sheila Moss

candles Help! I’m being stalked! Yes, lurking outside my bedroom door this morning was a stalker, just waiting for me to innocently leave my boudoir and head toward the kitchen, still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and contemplating the day’s activity.

At a time when I was least expecting it, this dastardly goon sneaked up behind me and I was overcome before I even knew what was happening. Yes, I was a victim – assaulted in my own home by none other than the Christmas Spirit.

I could scarcely believe it when I was first attacked. I struggled and attempted to escape. This particular phantom has been stalking me for years, always at about the same point of time during the Yuletide season. I normally manage to lay low, avoid shopping malls and parties, and thereby protect myself from vulnerability long enough for the urge to send greeting cards, burn scented candles, or decorate my home with greenery to subside.

Somehow, I just could not succeed in escaping its grasping clutches this year. Before I realized what was happening, I was totally under the Christmas Spirit’s influence and wildly making plans to go to a Christmas crafts exhibit. It would be fun! I could look at all the Christmas bazaar items maybe pick up a gift or two. I was a woman possessed. I could hardly wait to start the Christmas shopping.

At the craft fair that Christmas Spirit, sneaky devil, knew where to take me to get me in the right mood. The craft fair smelled like cinnamon, pine trees and candles all mingled together. There were hand-crafted Santas, decorated trees, red ribbons and green holly. I loaded up on terrific homemade candles, hand crafted ornaments, and hand-painted items.

I took only a small amount of cash along, figuring I wouldn’t overspend that way. Darn that Christmas Spirit. It reached in my purse and found my credit card – forcing me to buy everything in sight. I could scarcely believe what was happening. I finished nearly all of my Christmas shopping in just a few hours. Boy, will my family be surprised this year. But how can I get rid of this unwanted peppermint scented parasite that has taken control of my senses?

I returned home still possessed. I had nearly forgotten where the Christmas wrapping paper was – but the Christmas Spirit knew. Obviously, it had been lurking around for quite a while and was thoroughly enjoying this opportunity. It dragged me up the stairs, ignoring my kicking and screaming pleas for mercy, and took me right to the very spot where those rolls of red and green paper were stored next to the dusty box with the tree and ornaments.

I quickly seized the wrapping paper and ran downstairs without looking back, narrowly escaping the urge to open that dusty storage box and see what was inside. I wrapped gifts obsessively, scarcely pausing except to find gift tags and write names. When finally finished, I fell back exhausted and surveyed all the work I had done. Not bad, I decided.

But the Christmas Spirit was only getting warmed up. I fought and fought – you can’t believe how I struggled. I don’t even remember going back up those attic stairs. I can’t remember how I got the big Christmas tree box down the stars, not to mention that box full of ornaments. All I remember is that when I came to my senses the tree was up — I even had Christmas music playing in the background. I could hardly wait to string the lights around it.

I unwrapped the antique Santa ornaments and hung them on the tree. The memories begin to flow. The Christmas Spirit retreated to hide behind a poinsettia and watch. The cross-stitch ornaments – I remember the winter I made those. We lived in an apartment. I had nothing much to do that winter, so I cross-stitched. One by one I took out all the special ornaments given to me through the years by special friends.

I discovered the slightly lopsided decorations that my children made in grade school. I unwrapped the music box that plays “Silent Night.” The children always wanted to wind it up when they were small. I would let them hold it in their little hands to look at. My eyes were a bit moist by the time I finished as they nearly always are. Perhaps this is why I fight the Christmas Spirit so hard – the memories – a melancholy blend of times past, loved ones gone, Christmases both happy and sad.

Anyhow, by the time the tree was finished, lights strung, ornaments hung carefully, and all the other special Christmas treasures displayed, I was totally exhausted, much too tired to fight the Christmas Spirit any longer. I decided to hide for a while and try to recover my composure.

I know that sneaky Christmas Spirit is still out there someplace. I can hear the tinkle of tiny bells faintly in the distance. Is that the music box playing or something else? I can’t quite be sure. I can only hope the Christmas Spirit is satisfied now that it owns the house and its presence has been proclaimed to all by the large Christmas wreath on the front door.

Surely that holiday apparition doesn’t know about the chocolate chip cookie recipe, the one with oatmeal that I always used to make before the holidays. I am just too tired to bake cookies tonight – maybe tomorrow. Who knows? We might even make a gingerbread house together.

Posted in Holidays, Humor | Tagged Christmas, Christmas spirit, Christmas Tree, crafts, Decorations, Elves, Gifts, Holidays, Ornaments, Shopping, Yuletide | 1 Comment

The Cat Toy

Posted on December 12, 2016 by Sheila Moss

cat-tree

Look at the shiny cat toy my humans have put in the living room just for me! I love my humans. It is exactly what I wanted for Christmas, a tree with shiny balls all over it for me to play with. I think I will pull one off right now. What fun to bat it around on the floor.

What happened? It broke!

They just don’t make cat toys like they used to. Oh well, there are plenty more. I’ll just get another one. This is the best thing my humans have done for me since buying the pool table a few years ago.

These stupid cat balls are all inferior. Wait until my humans find out they are all broken. They will be furious and return them to the store to get me some new ones that don’t break so easily. I have the best humans in the entire world.

Since there are no more cat balls to play with, maybe I will just climb up in the tree and a play king of the mountain. I could see all over the place from the top of the tree. I don’t know why it has a star at the top, though. A star won’t even roll. Maybe it is a starfish toy filled with catnip. That must be it. Catnip! All I have to do is climb up and get it.

Why are all these wires wound around my tree? My humans probably didn’t notice the wires. They seem to be attached to lights. My foot is caught in one and I can’t get loose. Is this tree or a cat trap? I could starve to death up here with my foot caught in the wire. I’ll just bite the wire in half and get loose.

What happened? How did my fur get all singed?

All I can remember is trying to get out of the cat trap. I think I was struck by a bolt of lightning. Lucky for me I have nine lives. All the pretty lights have gone out. They must have been stuck by lightning too.

I don’t feel so good, but I still want that catnip starfish. I’m going to look out for the cat traps a bit more carefully this time. Wow! The view up here is terrific and I can swing back and forth on the branches. There are even a few cat balls up here that I couldn’t reach before.

Well, the stupid tree turned over and I fell on the ground. This good-for-nothing cat toy didn’t last very long. My cat balls are all broken, my fur is burnt, and the tree is on its side with wires sticking out of it. Fortunately, cats always land on their feet or I might have been killed.

That’s two lives gone in one day.

Maybe I will take a nap and rest until my humans get home. The blanket that used to be around the tree looks soft and inviting. My humans will be upset because this toy tree was inferior. They will return it and get another one that is better. Yawn, here they come now. I will pretend to be asleep and let them be surprised.

Why have they have locked me in the basement?

They acted as if the tree wasn’t a toy for me to play with for Christmas. They called me a bad kitty! Why would they put a tree in the living room and cover it with shiny balls if I’m not supposed to play with it? Is it my fault they bought an inferior cat toy?

Sometimes I just can’t understand humans.