A Fast Woman

Remember when you got your first computer, how you didn’t want to eat or go to bed at night? It was almost the same sort of infatuation all over again when cable internet first came along. No more waiting, everything there in a flash.

I had never thought of myself as a fast woman until cable internet came along. Once I had a new cable connection for my computer, however, I definitely qualified as speedy. No more dial up, no more being disconnected, just zip, zip, zip! Pages and graphics loading in a whiz.

I was movin’… I was flying… I was lightning!

When cable first became available in my area many years ago, I went over to the friendly local computer store for a free demo – no obligation. They had old 133 MHz computers all wired up to cable. Those worn out nags were running like racehorses with a shot of the new technology. Of course I wanted it, just like they knew I would.

Expense, of course, was the main obstacle – I couldn’t seem to justify the expenditure when I could dial up and connect to the net so much cheaper. But prices soon came down. Sales people were quick to point out how cable with one phone line in your home was cheaper than two phone lines, one for calls and one for the computer. Or how you could connect two computers at about the same price as dial up with home networking. When I got that card in the mail about the free installation and the rebate of $100, it was the final straw.

Everybody was getting wired with the new wide band technologies. Speed demons like cable, DSL, satellites, wireless and ISDN phone lines left me eating dust with my dial up modem. I never seemed to be able to stay connected. Even with a high-speed processor, my computer was dragging its tail with the entire Internet trying to squeeze though a phone line.

In a computer class I took, the lady next to me leaned over to confide, “I’ve got cable and I’m so spoiled.” Boy, was I ever envious. I wanted to be spoiled too. So , I joined the 21st century. My computer also was cruising the fast lane on the information highway. Wonder I didn’t get a speeding ticket. Trouble is the Internet is very addictive, and even more so at high speed.

I did miss the screech of the modem dialing up. I had become sort of used to the repulsive sound and the little ecstatic musical chimes when it finally connected. The “mail truck” announcement, the ugly blue and yellow start page set up so carefully with all my personal preferences and my familiar email address, were all are gone.

My dial-up service provider had been good to me. They held my hand while I learned to walk, and then I ran away and left them. I missed them – but not enough to give up my amorous affair with cable. It’s was sort of like getting a new home and leaving the old one with all the associated memories, or trading in the car that became a clunker for a slick new model, or dumping an old boyfriend for a new lover.

My computer was always connected ready to rumble. It was waiting for me and blowing the horn. Gee whiz, it was a wonder my monitor didn’t melt at warp speed. There was email to check and surfing to do.

Life was demanding for a fast woman.

Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss
Updated


Today we take high-speed internet for granted. It hasn’t always been that way. Do you remember dial-up connections?

Posted in Humor, Technology | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Learn to Laugh

clownObviously, you are a person who enjoys humor or you wouldn’t be reading this blog. A little laughter goes a long way toward relaxing your mind and body. The effects of a good laugh last up to 45 minutes and can lower your blood pressure. I don’t know about you, but my blood pressure needs all the help it can get.

Can you believe people who have heart disease are 40 percent less likely to laugh at funny situations than those without heart problems? Maybe laughter really is the best medicine. Laughter should be thought of as heart-friendly, better than a low-fat and low-carb diet, or at least another method to improve your health.

funnycatExperts who study this sort of thing say stress is reduced within minutes when you laugh. Notice how a stressful situation is relieved when someone makes a joke. Everyone laughs and relaxes. Laughter helps give you a positive attitude and feelings of happiness. You feel better when you laugh a lot and others feel more comfortable. Wouldn’t you rather be around someone who is funny and has a positive attitude than someone who does nothing but complain and criticize?

Laughter reduces wrinkles and makes you look younger. That alone is enough reason for me to work in as many laughs a day as possible. Ever notice old people with frowns permanently frozen into wrinkled faces? When I get old, I want my wrinkles to be smile lines instead of frown lines.

Here are a few ideas to help you get started laughing:

* Look for funny videos on YouTube and post them on Facebook.
* Download a comedy movie to watch or watch one on TV.
* Look for books of cartoons on Amazon or at the library.
* Spend time with friends who make you laugh.
* Write your own funny captions for cartoons or family photos.
* Act goofy or make a face in the mirror.
* Put a funny screensaver on your computer.
* Play a silly joke on your kids or friends.
* Subscribe to joke lists and humor columns.
* Recall a funny situation or embarrassing moment and share it.

grouchoIt may seem a bit silly to seek opportunities to laugh, but why not if laughter is good for you? You are improving your health and well being and having fun at the same time. Laughter relieves tension and helps pain. Laughter is a workout for your heart, diaphragm, and facial muscles. It improves your attitude. Laughing and learning to appreciate humor will improve your social relationships.

Some people have suggested taking time to deliberately try to laugh as an exercise. Take a deep breath and say “ha, ha, ha” as many times as possible. The forced laughter will soon become the real thing, especially if done in a group.

Accept that you don’t have to have a reason to laugh and just laugh. Learn to laugh at yourself and your own short-comings. Being a happy person is sometimes a matter of choice. Make a choice to have a positive attitude and to be a happy person. It can make you live longer and help you enjoy the life that have.

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I Resolve

timeIt’s time to make New Year’s Resolutions again. Everyone is feeling a bit guilty about all those calories consumed over the holidays. The beginning of the calendar year always seems like a good time to get a fresh start.

Looking around, I see other people with innumerable things that need changing. It seems as though it might be easier to make resolutions for other people than for myself. I fight mental block and grind my teeth. There must be SOMETHING wrong with me. After all, nobody is perfect.

Reluctantly, I resolve not to drink so much coffee. Guess three pots a day is a bit excessive. Wonder if that has anything to do with the anxiety I’ve felt lately? Nah, it’s probably something else.

I resolve to get more sleep. Go to bed earlier? Why, that’s unthinkable. That would require missing the end of a TV program that I’ve only seen once or twice before – or, even worse, not reading all my email.

I could spend less time on the computer and more time on self-improvement type activities? Ha, don’t be ridiculous, how can I know what to do to improve myself if I don’t look it up on the Internet?

I would resolve to stop smoking, but since I am a non-smoker, maybe I’ll just resolve to remind everyone else that they should stop. Boy, that ought to make me really popular!

I might resolve to be neater and to organize things better. Of course, I would have to wait until I have time to get organized before I could do this one. Compulsive neatness makes people uncomfortable anyhow. I may need to prioritize on this one.

I could resolve to work harder and be more efficient. But to be efficient, I need to have some time off for relaxation and recovery. How can I be more efficient without rest?

I might resolve to take an educational improvement course of some type. Let’s see, cooking? No, I already know how to cook. Golf? I’m not interested in hitting balls around. Music? It takes too long to learn. I just can’t think of anything that I want to improve enough to devote the work necessary to do it.

Probably I could eat more nutritiously and cut down on fats and calories. Of course, I’ve been trying to do that for years anyhow. Besides, everyone makes New Year’s Resolutions to lose weight. Nothing creative here. Maybe I could resolve to GAIN weight. Then if I don’t keep my resolution, I would be better off instead of worse off.

Maybe I could resolve to drive more carefully and always obey the speed limits. I do this one already. Ha, ha, just kidding you law-enforcement officers. (Whew!)

I could also resolve to relax more. Of course, just deliberating the need to relax makes my heartbeat faster and my blood pressure rise. Face it, if I relaxed any more, I’d be a couch potato. Pass the remote control, would ya?

Everyone resolves to save money. But, what’s the point of saving money unless I want to buy something with it? And if I’m going to spend it anyhow, why bother to save? All I do is eliminate the middleman by spending it as soon as I get it.

How about if I resolve to be more productive? I never did know what I was supposed to produce to be productive. Is it possible to be productive without a product, or is productivity itself a product? It all becomes very confusing.

That is the whole darn troubled with New Year’s resolutions. If you can, you already are. If you can’t, then why worry yourself to death with resolutions?

The best idea of all still seems to be the classic one of resolving not to make any New Year’s Resolutions.

Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss
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The “S” Word

snow2.jpg

The official snowflake has fallen. Winter is here! People in the city all rush to the windows to see. Skyscrapers lean under their weight.

“Is it?”

“I think it is!”

“Yes! It’s a snowflake!”

Magnifying glasses are brought out as everyone gathers around to observe the first snowflake of the season. They shake their heads in wonder and exclaim in unison, “It’s SNOW!”

As realization sweeps over them, panic sets in. A snowflake could have relatives. Heads turn skyward to see. Cars on the interstate, impatient for the bad weather that is sure to come, begin to crash into each by the dozens even before the snow starts to fall.

In the suburbs, herds of housewives flock to the grocery store in four-wheel drive vehicles. They quickly clean out the bread and toilet paper aisles and then move on to the non-perishable goods. Country mentality still prevails in the South. Stock up “just in case” you are snowed in.

Wheels spin and skid as the second tiny snowflake of the season is crushed unnoticed under the wheels of the vehicles. The herds stampede home in caravans with supplies to stock the cupboards for the rest of winter while they wait for “The Big Snow.”

It is not until the grocery store is totally empty that the weather reporter announces that the winter storm warning has been cancelled. It is difficult not to wonder if weathermen and grocery stores could possibly be in cahoots, periodically announcing a snow panic just to move merchandise.

Winter in the South – how I love it! Southerners do not have a clue about how to drive in snow. The wise bubbas stay at home out of harms way. The less astute take to the roads in their light-ended pickup trucks driving like rednecks will, spinning out at every bridge or icy spot. The ditches are soon full of abandoned vehicles.

Even those southern residents who have lived in the North where it snows all the time take their lives in their hands driving on snowy roads in the South where precious few have any snow driving experience.

The last “real” snow, an inch or two, was a few years ago and it took me over four hours to get to work that morning, a normal drive of about 30 minutes in rush hour traffic. The mere mention of the “S” word is enough to give any commuter a migraine sufficient to call in sick over.

Kids love bad weather, of course. As soon as the media mentions the “S” word, the schools are instantly closed. The kids stay home to write fan letters to TV’s Snowbird, who announces the latest school closings. It was a long, long, time ago, but everyone still remembers the horror of the year it snowed after the kids got to school. Not to worry, that will never happen again.

The best thing about snow in the South is that it doesn’t last long. Most people don’t even own a snow shovel. They just wait for it to melt. Why bother when it will probably be in the 40’s tomorrow? Snow blower? What’s a snow blower? Snow plows? Don’t make me laugh.

Oops! I think I saw another flake of snow. Wake up the metro salt crew and tell them it’s time to order salt. Looks like it’s snowing. Speaking of salt, we never waste it by salting a bridge before it is slick. We save it until we are sure it is really needed.

The snow is really starting to fall now. The weatherman predicted, “NO SNOW.” That makes it certain there will be several inches, at least. It’s the snowstorms they DO predict that never come.

Excuse me now, I feel a headache coming on

Copyright 2000 Sheila Moss
Posted in Humor, Weather | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Ready or Not?

road.jpgThe Christmas crazies are over for another year.  The gifts have been opened and the wrappings hauled away by the trash men to contribute to the cities’ waste disposal problem or burned in the fireplace to contribute to the world’s pollution problem.

Amateur time at the mall is over and the pro shoppers have returned to scratch for bargains. At the local Walmart there are more return lines than there are check out lines and everything purchased in the final days of wild “gotta get something” spending has been returned for something useful.

The talk now is all about politics, what is ahead of us as we anticipate the beginning of a new era with a new type of President in charge. Some are predicting the worst and even preparing for a potential disaster with supplies of food, water, medicine, cash, gasoline, flashlights, batteries, cooking and heating supplies. Sounds like we are expecting the end of civilization.

I wonder how we ever made it back in the olden days before modern conveniences?   Of course, we were geared for a different sort of existence then, weren’t we? I thought about getting extra wood for the fireplace, and thought about stocking up on canned goods, and managed to come home with two extra jugs of bottled drinking water.

I’ve heard that old-fashioned oil lamps were a popular Christmas gift this year. Lucky me, I already have an oil lamp, maybe two if that decorative one in the living room still actually works. I even have a flashlight for emergencies; of course, extra batteries might be a good idea.  I don’t think the little AA ones that we keep around for the clocks and beepers are the right size for anything much.

The Department of Homeland Security and the Red Cross advise everyone to be ready for an emergency at all times as the possibility of a natural or man-made disaster is always present: tornados, wildfires, hazardous material accidents, earthquakes, hurricanes, or floods — not to mention terrorism, riots, or acts of war. They publish lists of the items to keep on hand in case  of evacuation or a shelter-in-place warning.

It all gets very confusing. Do I buy candles and food or just forget it?  Around here we still remember the big ice storm of several years ago when half the area went without electricity for weeks and weeks in the middle of February and the electric company wouldn’t answer the phone.  But the general mood seems to be one of cautious optimism.

Is anyone actually stocking up, other than survivalist types who probably have it all anyhow?   As usual, the prepared people are ready and have their shotguns loaded.  I’ve never quite figured out why the survivalists need guns.  Guess they are afraid that everyone else will mob them and attempt to take it away.  Personally, I think I’d attack the grocery store or food warehouse first, but what do I know?

Survival around here would be a short-term thing.  We are too dependent on the necessities of modern life, the artificial environment we have created for ourselves.  Like most of us, I will believe those who say that nothing will happen, problems will not be severe or widespread, nothing disastrous will happen and life will go on as usual. But the more I think about this stuff, the more nervous I feel.  Let’s see, I could always use the extra food later if the world doesn’t end.

I’d like to speculate a bit more on all of this, but I think I’d better run over to Walmart and see if I can find D size batteries, “just in case.”  I don’t really think anything bad will happen, of course.

Copyright 1999-2017 Sheila Moss
Rewrite of prior story
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Mind Your Peas

black-eyed-peasHave a bad year and are wishing for better luck next year? Try eating some black-eyed peas. Black-eyed peas on New Year’s Day are a southern tradition. There seems to be little agreement on how this custom began, though, or why a food as humble as black-eyed peas might be considered lucky.

In some places, black-eyed peas are called “cowpeas” because they were once only used as fodder for the cattle. Some believe the custom of eating black-eyed peas for luck started during the Civil War when southern troops under siege had to exist on what was available and considered peas lucky because they prevented starvation.

Others believe the custom was started by poor folks who learned to “make do” with whatever food they had available. Some of the creative recipes born out of necessity and poverty were quite delicious and these “soul foods” became a part of southern culture. Due to scarcity of food in winter, it was considered lucky to have a plentiful supply of peas at the beginning of the New Year.

It may be that the association of luck with black-eyed peas is much older than American history, however, and goes back to times of the past. The first visitor of the New Year in some cultures was thought to determine the luck of a household for the following year. A gentleman considered lucky was invited to accompany “lady luck” and welcomed with a kiss and a bowl of black-eyed pea soup.

It is sometimes alleged that what is done on the first day of a new year will be continued for the entire year. Believing this, it becomes important to eat lucky foods to ensure a good year. In addition to the peas, southerners may eat cooked greens or cabbage, which represents money or prosperity, and cornbread which represents gold. Black-eyed peas, however, are always fundamental.

In the winter, black-eyed peas are usually found as dried peas that must be soaked overnight in water before cooking. Usually the peas are slow simmered or cooked in a crock-pot on low heat until done. Black-eyed peas are usually seasoned with salt-pork, jowl, or even the hambone from a country ham. Southerners have learned not to be wasteful, especially with food. Rice, another lucky food, is added in some regions, along with sausage and tomatoes to make a dish called “Hoppin’ John.”

Black-eyed peas have a distinctive flavor that not everyone appreciates. Some people will not eat them at all, saying that eating black-eyed peas is just a superstition and they don’t believe they bring good luck. Probably most people eat the peas now less out of superstition than because it has become a custom ingrained in southern culture.

Outside of the southern states, people sometimes don’t even know what black-eyed peas are. However, they are easy to recognize because each pea has a black spot or “eye” where it detached from the peapod. Southerners eat black-eyed peas year long and just consider them “good eatin.”

My southern mama always made black-eyed peas. I hated them, but choked down a bite or two for luck on New Year’s — just in case. I swore I would never eat another black-eyed pea when I became an adult, lucky or not. However, I have learned to cook frozen black-eyed peas, which taste much fresher and less starchy than the dried ones, and now I almost like them.

Whatever other foods are eaten, black-eyed peas are a comfort food that has become a necessity in the south for welcoming in the New Year. It is often believed that you should eat 365 peas on New Year’s Day to ensure luck for each day of the coming year.

So, here’s wishing you joy and prosperity for the coming year. May you have good health, good fortune, and may your home be as filled with luck as a pot full of black-eyed peas.

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss
Posted in Food, Holidays, Humor, Southern Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

An Interview with Father Time

father-timeFather Time, before we begin I just have to ask you this.  Do you hate it when your alarm clock goes off in the morning?

Oh, my dear, I do not have a clock or an alarm.  Those were invented for mortals.  I move through eternity at my own speed. When you snooze, you lose.

What is your greatest concern, Father Time?

At my age, I’ve seen more than I want to think about.  I’ve seen the rise and fall of civilizations, the birth and death of great leaders. It’s been worse than reality TV.  But such events are merely small wrinkles in the sands of time.

Well, that’s sort of scary.  Are you saying that time never dies?

In a manner of speaking.  People continue to waste time — some attempt to kill time.  But regardless of how much it is abused, time goes on.

Do you have a hard time deciding what you will do with so much time on your hands?

No, I am pretty busy making sure that people have enough time to accomplish what needs to be done.  I travel completely around the world every day. The way time flies, I should get frequent flyer miles.

Doesn’t it become repetitious, Father Time?

No, not at all, my dear, time never repeats itself, you know. Each passing day is gone forever and each new day is another episode, sort of like a soap opera.

Are you looking forward to the New Year then?

Yes, I am busy preparing the nursery for Baby New Year. The past will become history and we will welcome the birth of a New Year. I long ago gave up on thinking of baby names and just give them numbers now.

Do you ever plan to retire?

Oh, no, the baby New Year learns from the experience of the past. Some kids are smarter than others are.  But a few have not been worth the time it took to potty train them.

Well, if we can move on…  You present a striking figure, Father Time, in a long white robe with your flowing beard. Do you ever have time for romance?

I did have a bit of a thing with Mother Nature, but she wants her own way. I’ve been around too long to put up with a conniving female who wants to turn back time and change the natural environment. Silly woman is always having temper tantrums too. I keep telling the woman that time must go forward, not backwards.

What do you do for fun, Father Time?

Oh, I play a few little games from time to time. Mortals always say they have no time. If they would just manage it better, they would have all the time in the world.  I get a kick from being sure that there is never quite enough time to do everything, though. Gives us guys an excuse for not getting chores finished before the football game comes on TV.

That reminds me, what time it is?

Good question. Every since the beginning of time people have attempted to figure that out. They have made sundials, invented pendulums, worn quartz watches, and now measure it in nanoseconds. It’s all the same to me — just one doggoned day after another.

Well, time is about up. We probably need to end this interview. Do you have any parting thoughts?

No, but if you think of a new way to save time, let me know.  I could use a little time out myself, maybe take a wee vacation and get out of Greenwich for a while.  But. . . I need to go now. Time never stands still. It’s going on midnight and I’ve got an appointment at Times Square.

Happy New Year, Father Time!

And there you have it, an interview with the legendary Father Time.  I sure hope the new baby doesn’t arrive early.  It would spoil his entire year.

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With Resolution

writerWell, it’s almost the beginning of the year again and everyone is talking about making New Year’s resolutions, as if turning the page on the calendar is incentive enough for ending all bad habits and beginning of a new page in the book of life.

Now, I’m of the opinion that no one keeps New Year’s resolutions in spite of good intentions. Actually, if we need to make major improvements in ourselves, we shouldn’t wait for a New Year to do so, but that seems to be a moot point.

If you must make resolutions, one of the most popular, and probably the most needed, is the one to lose weight. About 80% of Americans could stand to shed a few pounds. Just thinking about all the people wanting to lose weight is enough to scare restaurant owners out of business. Unfortunately, people have to eat, which is the only excuse most of us need.

Another popular resolution is the one to stop smoking. Government seems to have resolved to help people keep this one with laws against smoking in public places. But for the truly addicted, this resolution seems to last only about as long as it takes until it is time to light up the next cigarette.

Some people resolve to improve their minds, either by formal classes or by self-improvement though study. This one usually falls by the wayside before we actually get around to finding classes to register for. It is much easier to go home and watch TV. We rationalize by saying we will watch something educational. Who do we think we are kidding?

According to surveys, many people resolve to get a different job, one that is worthy of their extraordinary talents. Sort of scary that so many people are dissatisfied with their job that they are ready to leave. Chances are that if they were actually were willing to work at job hunting, they would be gone already and not worrying about making a resolution to quit.

Spending less money or paying off bills is a good resolution for many people. Maybe that’s why they want a new job, come to think of it. Of course while we figure out a way to save money, retailers and banks are making resolutions to try and think of more ways to get people to spend and to pay higher interest. So, far they seem to be better at keeping their resolutions than consumers are.

Nearly all resolutions have to do with personal improvement. That goes without explanation since it doesn’t do a lot of good to try and improve other people anyhow. In fact, a useful resolution might be to spend less time worrying about what others do, and more worrying about what we do.

It’s a vicious circle, isn’t it? At least we do think about some of our less attractive habits and behaviors and the need to change our ways. Who knows, it may help us to be somewhat more aware of our shortcomings and more determined to try a bit harder to do better in the future.

The best way to keep resolutions, they say, is to keep the list short and attainable. Mine is so short there is nothing on it at all. Even so, I will probably still not only not be able to keep any resolutions, I will even lose the piece of paper they should be written on and the pen to write them with.

We might as well admit it. The main thing some of us need to change is our attitude about changing. I’ll make a note of it if I find my pen and paper.

Copyright 2007 Sheila Moss

Is there anything you would like to change in your life? Do you make any New Year’s resolutions.

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101 Things to Do With a Dead Christmas Tree

deadtreeThat real, live Christmas tree seemed so special when you decided to buy it. Now, there it is in the middle of the living room, the once alive Christmas tree drawing its last breath. Now some people may just want to leave it there for a conversation piece until next Christmas. But most of us sooner or later figure we have to do something else with that tree.

On television they suggested that you bring your tree to the local park and let it be chopped up into mulch. That seems environmentally sound and a good enough suggestion for the creatively challenged. But, if there are 101 things to do with a dead cat, surely there must be at least that many things to do with a dead Christmas tree.

Naturally, I now have to list them:

Well, we might use it for a coat tree, or hat rack since it’s already in the living room and handy.

Of course, there are many, many other things. We could use it as a planter and let it be covered with climbing ivy. We could use the branches to fashion dried floral arrangements or winter centerpieces.

We can use it for a decorative money gift tree, assuming we have any left after Christmas, or a shoetree.

We can chop it up and use it for kindling, toothpicks, or a game of pickup sticks.

We could use it for a kitty scratching post, a perch for pet birds, or a handy pet pit stop We could stick berries or fruit on the dry branches and make a natural outdoor bird feeder.

We could use it for an umbrella tree, recipe holder, mug tree, or to hang towels in the bathroom.

With needles removed, it would make a great closet organizer. It could be used as a lingerie rack, necktie rack, or organizer for belts.

Branches could be removed for numerous uses, such as, feather duster substitutes, toilet brushes, pot scrubbers, toothbrushes, or back scratches. Branches could be tied together and used as a broom or bug swatter.

It could be taken outside for target practice, put in the lake for fish beds, used as a fence post, or dressed up to become a scarecrow. imaginative,

Needles could be used to stuff cushions, pillows, or stuffed toys to save the environment. They could be woven for floor mats, rustic place mats or wall hangings.

Needles can also double as landscaping mulch around shrubs, and provide nesting materials for birds and wildlife. But, there we are being practical again.

How about making snowshoes from limbs, using the tree as a sled, tying together branches for a hula skirt, or using the tree for a dancing partner?

It could also be used to celebrate other holidays. In the spring it could be used for a May Pole or an Easter egg tree. Branches would make great torches for a party, or the tree could be used for a bonfire on Halloween.

If you live in the South, you can put it on the front porch with the old couch and washing machine, or chop it up for firewood.

Or, if you live in the South, you most likely could add bacon grease and cook up a mess of Christmas tree needles since we cook and eat about anything else that’s ever been alive.

Now I know that isn’t quite 101 things, which probably goes to show that even a dead cat is more useful than a dead Christmas tree.

After I’ve listed all these ideas, I suppose you still intend to haul your tree to the park and get it made into mulch?

That’s certainly what I intend to do with mine!

Copyright 2003 Sheila Moss

Question: Do you still use a live tree for  Christmas? Can you think of anything not mentioned that a dead tree could be used for?

Posted in Crafts/Hobbies, Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

I’m a Grinch

snow-people

Some people handle Christmas well. They have cards addressed from their alphabetized list and sent out by the first of December. I consider sending cards the week before Christmas, but forget to buy them and can’t find my list anyhow. So, I say it is too late and think maybe next year. That has been working for over 20 years. I only get cards from the dentist and plumber now.

I’m a Grinch

I keep the Christmas wrapping paper upstairs in the attic, but I noticed last time I was upstairs that the box has split and paper is rolling all over the attic. What a mess. People say that it is more fun if the gifts are wrapped and people get to anticipate and tear them open. In my case, wrapping paper went into storage when gift bags came into my life. Gift bags are the best invention that Santa ever made.

I’m a Grinch.

Christmas holidays seem to come closer and closer together as the years pass. Fortunately, my kids are older and like gift cards better than gifts. I can do all my shopping in about 10 minutes at the gift card rack in the supermarket or drug store. My most difficult decision is deciding which plastic picture I like best. For the few things I need to buy, I order online and let Goggle or Amazon do the walking.

I’m a Grinch,

My Christmas tree gets smaller each year. It now sets on a table and has lights built in. What I’m waiting for is one that also has the ornaments pre-attached and can open automatically like a pop-up umbrella, ready to use. Until then my tree will keep shrinking every year. By next year it may be gone entirely. At least I won’t have to chase cats out of it and re-hang ornaments that they have scattered all over the house.

I’m a Grinch.

Christmas, like everything else, is for young people. My Christmas spirit has been spirited away, right up the chimney like Santa. I keep suffering through the hubbub and hullabaloo and manage to keep my sanity, or at least some of it. I would forget the entire thing and go skiing, except that I don’t know how to ski.

I’m a Grinch.

Some say the commercialization of Christmas has ruined it. Too many houses decorated with lights and choreographed to music; too many stores playing Christmas carols in October; too many Christmas commercials on television; too many artificial Christmas trees with coordinated decorations; and too many television specials competing with Norman Rockwell and Currier and Ives.

I’m a Grinch.

Last year I put up a tiny Charlie Brown tree at the office that we found in the cubicle of someone who had moved on. I decorated it and located an extension cord for the lights. After crawling around under the desk looking for a plug, I realized the lights on the tree were battery operated. See what I mean? Even when I try to do the expected thing, it doesn’t turn out right. Maybe we will find some C size batteries before Christmas. Maybe not.

I’m a Grinch.

The days of wondering what I’ll get for Christmas are long gone. I don’t care anymore whether I receive gifts or not. I have everything I really want or need. The best thing about Christmas is that hard candy that you can’t get at any other time of the year, that and some time off work. A really great gift would be three extra days off work. .

I’m a Grinch.

All the planning and anticipation, all the getting ready, buying gifts, planning, all the work, and in a day — it is all over. Whoosh! Time to clean up the mess, put it away, and be done with it until next October. I don’t know which is more difficult, getting ready or cleaning up. And this is why I’ve decided that…

I’m a Grinch.

Copyright 2012 Sheila Moss
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