An Interview with Santa

Posted on December 16, 2016 by Sheila Moss

santaHumor  Columnist Blog is proud to present an exclusive interview with one of the most famous personalities of our time and all time. We have managed to wrangle an interview with one of the truly great humanitarians and philanthropists. Please welcome, Mr. Santa Claus!

1. Santa, you set ambitious goals and work hard to achieve them, don’t you?

Yes, Santa has ambitious goals. Santa has to. How else will all the children get toys? I work 364 days a year. It isn’t easy being Santa.

2. Do you like situations that require thinking?

Santa loves a challenge. He likes to think of the perfect gift for every boy and girl in the world. He spends a lot of time thinking about what gifts to make and how to keep the toy manufactures from fouling up and creating more demand than Santa can fill.

3. What about the election Santa, how do you feel about the outcome?

Santa doesn’t get involved in politics. He likes to get along with everybody all over the world. Santa did get a few requests from politicians, but Santa does not deliver votes.

4. Do you spend much time with your friends?

Santa doesn’t get out much for bowling or for a beer with the elves. What would the kids think if the saw me downing a tall one? They think I only drink milk.

5. But you do you keep in close touch with friends and family, don’t you?

Santa receives tons and tons of mail. Just ask the U.S. Postal Service if you don’t believe me. Although Santa can’t always reply due to the volume, he reads every letter. The good folks of Santa Claus, Indiana have been a big help in replying to my mail. Feedback is very important in keeping up with consumer demand, you know

6. You must have lots of energy.

Energy? Santa must visit the entire world in just one night! Try going down that many chimneys and see how much energy you have left! Ms. Claus has been threatening to leave me for years, but a good soak in the hot tub and Santa is like new.

7. Do you like feeling that you are attractive to other people?

Santa doesn’t worry much about looks at his age, but he does like to have a clean red suit and polished boots. It’s important to keep a professional image.

8. What about attitude, do you try to keep a positive attitude?

Of course, Santa has a positive attitude. Why wouldn’t he? Are you trying to suggest there is something wrong with me? You women are worse than the elves, always whining about something. If they would quit the whining and just work, Santa could get a whole lot more done! Maybe even vacation in Martha’s Vineyard some time.

9. What about relationships with other people, are those important to you?

Who has time for a relationship with another person? I spend all my time with reindeer and elves!

10. We won’t get into that here, Santa, as time does not permit. But do you consider yourself a jealous person?

Santa is not jealous. Who is more loved that he is? Others may be jealous of him, but he doesn’t care. If they think they can outgive Santa, let ’em try! They don’t need to be writing asking for more stock options either cause Santa remembers when … er, sorry … forgot…I’m just sayin’!

11. Do you like the challenge of unpredictable situations?

That depends – not if it consists of getting involved with helicopters.

12. Does having consistency in life help you?

Yes, Santa follows a close schedule, you know, to coordinate everything for his big day. Public appearances in December, parades, office parties, as well as managing his toy workshop and coordinating orders and deliveries.

13. Does any of it bother you?

The parades are getting a bit hard. I like the excitement, but the cold is rough. I’d rather get cold watching a good football game. How ’bout them Packers?

14. Do you ever put up a front to keep others from knowing the real Santa Claus?

Santa has a beard, but that is not to hide who he really is. I mean, how many other guys have the guts to wear a red velvet suit and hat?

15. Then you consider yourself a kind person?

Of course, I’m kind! Santa treats his elves well, gives them jobs and careers in toy manufacturing. Where else can an elf find a full time job these days with paid leave on Christmas Day? I do have to keep an eye on the reindeer, however. They just hang out all year and when I ask them to work once a year, they act like it is a big favor. Stupid reindeer. I don’t know why I every started the sled and reindeer bit anyhow. A flying Corvette would be better.

16. Santa, you seem to have an opinion on everything!

Who me? Like I said, Santa just minds his own business. He is only answering these questions because you asked him.

17. Are you ever tense or worried, Santa?

Ho, ho, ho! Santa never worries. Ms. Claus worries about weather and me staying out so late and gallivanting around all over the world. But let her fuss! Who else would put up with put up with her cooking? No wonder Santa is so fat, trying to eat all those cookies she bakes. Woman has a compulsion!

18. Do you like being Santa Claus?

Yes, I command respect from just about everybody and most of the greats have come to me for something at one time another. I remember the time little Donny Trump asked for his first hotel. Santa said no, but his daddy let him have it anyhow.

19. How do feel about unpredictable people?

Children are the most unpredictable. They pull my beard, wet on my suit, and then ask for expensive computer toys their parents can’t afford.

20. Do you like new and unusual things?

Santa sorta likes these new-fangled computer toys. Santa uses a computer to keep up with his list better, and he is training the elves in computer programming. If they do well, Santa may go into consulting where the real money is. Even Santa has expenses and overhead, you know.

21. You must get a warm feeling from cooperating with others.

Santa gets a warm feeling from doing his own thing, which is delivering toys. He expects others to appreciate him and gets a warm feeling when they do. He also has a warm feeling for Ms. Claus but, being a gentleman, Santa won’t discuss that.

22. Do you have any competition?

Santa sorta has a corner on the gift giving market he has been in the business of giving away stuff for so long. Lotteries are getting in on the action a bit, but they will never compete with Santa.

23. Do you like to do things on the spur of the moment?

I did make a stop at Las Vegas once while making a delivery, but that was a long time ago. Santa just wanted to see what it would be like to get something for nothing. Didn’t win anything, Santa never gets anything but milk and cookies, but I did pick up a few ideas for new toys.

24. Is it important to you to have as much as your friends?

Santa doesn’t care about keeping up with the Jones. Santa just needs a few basics and a big screen TV and he is all set. What is success? Having more than other people or just learning to be happy with what you’ve got? That’s what I keep telling kids, but they don’t listen. They just want more and more stuff every year.

25. Overall, are you satisfied with yourself and your life?

Yes, Santa is satisfied. He makes kids happy and that gives one a certain amount of satisfaction. Santa does not measure success by possessions; he measures it in love. In terms of possessions, Santa is not very successful, a small cottage, low paid elves that work for food, a few reindeer that eat more than they bring in. In terms of possessions, Santa has little. In terms of love Santa comes out better

26. Do you ever buy things to make a good impression on others?

No… I give things away things to make a good impression on others. Guess you think there is something wrong with always giving, don’t you? Guess you think I have low self-esteem and try to buy love and friendship with gifts. Is that what you think?

27. Would you work 24 hours a day 7 days a week to get your job done?

I’ve already said that! What kind of stupid interview is this anyhow? You just want to make Santa look bad, don’t you? After all the dolls and bicycles Santa brought you too!

28. Santa, do you ever feel useless?

Useless? I’ll tell you what’s useless. This stupid interview is what’s useless. Santa has got to learn to say NO! And Santa is going to start right now! Santa will see you next year. Don’t bother to write!

Thanks for the interview, Santa. It was just what I wanted for Christmas. I still believe! I knew you’d come through!

That’s it folks, from the North Pole, the infamous Santa Claus.

Bye, Santa, bye! We believe! Merry Christmas everybody!

Copyright 2000 Sheila Moss
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The Yuletide Stalker

Posted on December 14, 2016 by Sheila Moss

candlesHelp! I’m being stalked! Yes, lurking outside my bedroom door this morning was a stalker, just waiting for me to innocently leave my boudoir and head toward the kitchen, still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and contemplating the day’s activity.

At a time when I was least expecting it, this dastardly goon sneaked up behind me and I was overcome before I even knew what was happening. Yes, I was a victim – assaulted in my own home by none other than the Christmas Spirit.

I could scarcely believe it when I was first attacked. I struggled and attempted to escape. This particular phantom has been stalking me for years, always at about the same point of time during the Yuletide season. I normally manage to lay low, avoid shopping malls and parties, and thereby protect myself from vulnerability long enough for the urge to send greeting cards, burn scented candles, or decorate my home with greenery to subside.

Somehow, I just could not succeed in escaping its grasping clutches this year. Before I realized what was happening, I was totally under the Christmas Spirit’s influence and wildly making plans to go to a Christmas crafts exhibit. It would be fun! I could look at all the Christmas bazaar items maybe pick up a gift or two. I was a woman possessed. I could hardly wait to start the Christmas shopping.

At the craft fair that Christmas Spirit, sneaky devil, knew where to take me to get me in the right mood. The craft fair smelled like cinnamon, pine trees and candles all mingled together. There were hand-crafted Santas, decorated trees, red ribbons and green holly. I loaded up on terrific homemade candles, hand crafted ornaments, and hand-painted  items.

I took only a small amount of cash along, figuring I wouldn’t overspend that way. Darn that Christmas Spirit. It reached in my purse and found my credit card – forcing me to buy everything in sight. I could scarcely believe what was happening. I finished nearly all of my Christmas shopping in just a few hours. Boy, will my family be surprised this year. But how can I get rid of this unwanted peppermint scented parasite that has taken control of my senses?

I returned home still possessed. I had nearly forgotten where the Christmas wrapping paper was – but the Christmas Spirit knew. Obviously, it had been lurking around for quite a while and was thoroughly enjoying this opportunity. It dragged me up the stairs, ignoring my kicking and screaming pleas for mercy, and took me right to the very spot where those rolls of red and green paper were stored next to the dusty box with the tree and ornaments.

I quickly seized the wrapping paper and ran downstairs without looking back, narrowly escaping the urge to open that dusty storage box and see what was inside. I wrapped gifts obsessively, scarcely pausing except to find gift tags and write names. When finally finished, I fell back exhausted and surveyed all the work I had done. Not bad, I decided.

But the Christmas Spirit was only getting warmed up. I fought and fought – you can’t believe how I struggled. I don’t even remember going back up those attic stairs. I can’t remember how I got the big Christmas tree box down the stars, not to mention that box full of ornaments. All I remember is that when I came to my senses the tree was up — I even had Christmas music playing in the background. I could hardly wait to string the lights around it.

I unwrapped the antique Santa ornaments and hung them on the tree. The memories begin to flow. The Christmas Spirit retreated to hide behind a poinsettia and watch. The cross-stitch ornaments – I remember the winter I made those. We lived in an apartment. I had nothing much to do that winter, so I cross-stitched. One by one I took out all the special ornaments given to me through the years by special friends.

I discovered the slightly lopsided decorations that my children made in grade school. I unwrapped the music box that plays “Silent Night.” The children always wanted to wind it up when they were small. I would let them hold it in their little hands to look at. My eyes were a bit moist by the time I finished as they nearly always are. Perhaps this is why I fight the Christmas Spirit so hard – the memories – a melancholy blend of times past, loved ones gone, Christmases both happy and sad.

Anyhow, by the time the tree was finished, lights strung, ornaments hung carefully, and all the other special Christmas treasures displayed, I was totally exhausted, much too tired to fight the Christmas Spirit any longer. I decided to hide for a while and try to recover my composure.

I know that sneaky Christmas Spirit is still out there someplace. I can hear the tinkle of tiny bells faintly in the distance. Is that the music box playing or something else? I can’t quite be sure. I can only hope the Christmas Spirit is satisfied now that it owns the house and its presence has been proclaimed to all by the large Christmas wreath on the front door.

Surely that holiday apparition doesn’t know about the chocolate chip cookie recipe, the one with oatmeal that I always used to make before the holidays. I am just too tired to bake cookies tonight – maybe tomorrow. Who knows? We might even make a gingerbread house together.

Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss
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The Cat Toy

Posted on December 12, 2016 by Sheila Moss

cat-tree

Look at the shiny cat toy my humans have put in the living room just for me! I love my humans. It is exactly what I wanted for Christmas, a tree with shiny balls all over it for me to play with. I think I will pull one off right now. What fun to bat it around on the floor.

What happened? It broke!

They just don’t make cat toys like they used to. Oh well, there are plenty more. I’ll just get another one. This is the best thing my humans have done for me since buying the pool table a few years ago.

These stupid cat balls are all inferior. Wait until my humans find out they are all broken. They will be furious and return them to the store to get me some new ones that don’t break so easily. I have the best humans in the entire world.

Since there are no more cat balls to play with, maybe I will just climb up in the tree and a play king of the mountain. I could see all over the place from the top of the tree. I don’t know why it has a star at the top, though. A star won’t even roll. Maybe it is a starfish toy filled with catnip. That must be it. Catnip! All I have to do is climb up and get it.

Why are all these wires wound around my tree? My humans probably didn’t notice the wires. They seem to be attached to lights. My foot is caught in one and I can’t get loose. Is this tree or a cat trap? I could starve to death up here with my foot caught in the wire. I’ll just bite the wire in half and get loose.

What happened? How did my fur get all singed?

All I can remember is trying to get out of the cat trap. I think I was struck by a bolt of lightning. Lucky for me I have nine lives. All the pretty lights have gone out. They must have been stuck by lightning too.

I don’t feel so good, but I still want that catnip starfish. I’m going to look out for the cat traps a bit more carefully this time. Wow! The view up here is terrific and I can swing back and forth on the branches. There are even a few cat balls up here that I couldn’t reach before.

Well, the stupid tree turned over and I fell on the ground. This good-for-nothing cat toy didn’t last very long. My cat balls are all broken, my fur is burnt, and the tree is on its side with wires sticking out of it. Fortunately, cats always land on their feet or I might have been killed.

That’s two lives gone in one day.

Maybe I will take a nap and rest until my humans get home. The blanket that used to be around the tree looks soft and inviting. My humans will be upset because this toy tree was inferior. They will return it and get another one that is better. Yawn, here they come now. I will pretend to be asleep and let them be surprised.

Why have they have locked me in the basement?

They acted as if the tree wasn’t a toy for me to play with for Christmas. They called me a bad kitty! Why would they put a tree in the living room and cover it with shiny balls if I’m not supposed to play with it? Is it my fault they bought an inferior cat toy?

Sometimes I just can’t understand humans.

Copyright 2011 Sheila Moss
Posted in Creatures, Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

A Christmas Weather Forecast

Posted on December 8, 2016 by Sheila Moss

urbansnow

The following is a Special Weather Statement issued for the Christmas Holiday Season:

December is expected to bring above normal levels of stress in both northern and southern areas of the country. Shoppers are expected to move into the region around  malls starting on the Friday after Thanksgiving. Mild temperatures are expected to rise as the excitement begins and shoppers rush to look for bargains and gifts for the seasonal celebration.

Economic slowdown has caused a stagnation of the air around shopping centers, and prices are expected to be several degrees below the norm for last year. Experts are hopeful that the unseasonably low prices will create an atmosphere of spending. Look for especially heavy activity on the parking lots where severe temper flare-ups have occurred in past years from shortage of parking places.

Expect the normal seasonal display of decorations, which will continue throughout the holiday season. Many areas have reported localized heavy ornament displays beginning as early as October of this year. Except for a few low lying areas, lights and holiday greenery will be displayed over most of the country, with icicles and snowmen expected even in areas where temperatures are normally mild.

The wind will be blowing out of the north, bringing with it a 50 percent chance of Christmas music. Light snow is possible, but it is too early for a definite prediction at this time. It is never, however, too early to wish. A special advisory is issued to build a fire in the fireplace and drink eggnog or hot apple cider to ward off cold winter chills.

Radar indicates that Santa will arrive as expected, making it around the world in only one night in spite of fog, sleet or snow. Children may rest assure that no snow is necessary for Santa and his reindeer to make deliveries to rooftops far and wide. Tots everywhere are anticipating his coming with flurries of activity, changing into blizzards of excitement as Christmas Day gets closer.

Gifts will be wrapped in seasonal holiday paper and ribbon, especially in mid to late December. Christmas trees are expected to materialize prior to Christmas Day and have been appearing commercially for a prolonged period of time throughout the vicinity. A warm front of Christmas spirit is moving in at 20 M.P.H. and is expected to bring love, generosity and cheer throughout the area.

Watch for earlier than normal wakeup hours on Christmas Day as children arise to open their gifts. A storm of high consumption may occur later in the day as a wave of heat and humidity moves from the kitchen into the dining room where turkey or ham and other Christmas goodies are being served. Severe overeating should taper off as the day progresses, turning into milder indulgences by early evening.

Drought may occur shortly after the Christmas season as the warm fuzzy holiday spirit moves out and a weak cold front moves in preceding the arrival of the January bills. Be prepared for a freeze as reality sets in. Chilly weather may continue through February, but the celebration of Christmas is expected to go on for many seasons to come.

Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss
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Letter to Santa

Posted on December 6, 2016 by Sheila Moss

santa.jpgDear Santa,

Guess you thought I was not going to write this year? (Ha, ha, gotcha!) I just want to let you know that I’m still around. What I want for Christmas is a new Apple iPad. What else is there to want – that will fit under a Christmas tree, I mean?

It is suppose to be cool to ask for stuff for others, stuff like Peace on Earth. People keep asking, but we never seem to get it, so we might as well scratch it off the list. It is too bad that a simple thing like peace has to be so tangled up in politics.

Not only can the nations of the world not get along, but even the Republicans and Democrats can’t seem to agree. I’ve about had it will all of them. Maybe you could bring us a different Congress, one with some sense, if there is such a thing.

Some people just dream of a White Christmas. That seems simple, but I’m not sure if weather is your department. You will probably want to pass this request along to Old Man Winter or Mother Nature and let them make the decision. If this global warming thing continues, we will soon not have snow anywhere, except for the places they create it artificially so people can ski.

I read in the paper that a lot of kids are not getting anything at all. Some parents are out of work. Jobs, Santa, More jobs! Sprinkle a few of those around wherever they are needed. And may I remind you that android tablets are on sale, so take care of those kids and don’t let them go without a Christmas.

There are always disaster victims, like the sad families whose children were killed in earthquakes. If you could bring them a bit of joy and a smile or two to help, I know they would appreciate it. As for the wildfire victims, I have no idea what they need – everything, I guess. I would say donate some money to the Red Cross and let them figure it out. They are good with disaster recovery.

Let me see, that is peace, poverty, politics and disaster. Sounds like a pretty big list for a person who only wanted an iPad. I should probably be sending this list to God instead of you. We can’t expect Santa to do the impossible. Just because you can make reindeer fly, doesn’t mean you have answers for everything and can make social problems magically go away.

I’m afraid people are the ones who made these problems and people are the ones who have to resolve them. I think we need to worry more about giving than getting. One person can’t do much, but if everyone did a little, we could accomplish a great deal.

Thanks, Santa, for helping me sort all of this out. Maybe you are a smarter old elf than I thought you were. Goodbye until next year, Santa. I have to write a check to the Red Cross and take some toys to the Salvation Army.

Oh, by the way, I was just kidding about the iPad. Please don’t bring me anything. I have everything I need.

Merry Christmas!

Copyright 2002 Sheila Moss

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Merry Perfect Christmas

Posted on December 4, 2016 by Sheila Moss
bells.jpgDecember 1

Christmas is coming! I’m excited! I can hardly wait to get started with the decorating! I wonder if we will have a White Christmas this year? Wouldn’t that be great?

December 7

Put up the Christmas tree. Get out the ornaments out of storage. Each one has a special memory. Decorating the tree is so much fun! And doesn’t the tree look beautiful with all the shiny decorations and lights?

December 10

Go shopping for gifts. The mall is decorated with greenery and lights. Crowds of people are all shopping for special gifts. Christmas music is playing. I’m really starting to get into the spirit of Christmas.

December 13

I don’t remember wrapping gifts being this much work last year. Maybe I should have remembered to buy boxes. But the wrapped presents do look festive with the holiday paper and bows.

December 15

Go back to the mall – I didn’t get half of what I needed. I can’t find a parking place and have to walk a mile in the cold. I wish they would turn that confounded canned holiday music down. It’s getting on my nerves. And why is everything so expensive?

December 19

Visit the toy store. There seems to be no such thing as buying the toy you want. The manufacture didn’t make enough to meet the demand. The toy I want sold out in October. They are really sorry and will have a new shipment in on December 26th. Where’s Santa when you really need him?

December 21

Attend the annual office party. Make small talk, overeat, and try not to talk about business. Don’t drink too much in front of business associates. Why do we have to have business parties? I’m sick of these people; I see them every day. I’d rather be at home sleeping!

December 22
Snow! Oh, no! Why does it have to snow? I’ll never get my shopping done with that slop outside on the roads. It’s just one more thing to aggravate me. Who wants a White Christmas anyhow?
.
December 23

The relatives are coming to my place. I gotta cook a turkey, or something. Can’t we just make it a potluck? How about Christmas lasagna? Hope they don’t get bombed on the fruitcake this year.

December 24

Why did I wait until the last minute again? I’ll just run to the local discount store and pick up those last minute gifts. Buy anything, anything! What does it matter? They will return it after Christmas anyhow.

December 25

Christmas is here at last! Santa came; the gifts are under the tree; the snow is glistening outside; the turkey is in the oven. It’s a perfect Christmas! And best of all, it’s almost over till next year – thank God!

December 26

Go return all the gifts I received – nothing fits. Now take down the blankety-blank tree. Pack the stupid decorations in a box. Throw in the confounded lights. Drag the whole mess back upstairs to the attic. Burn the boxes and paper in the fireplace. Clean the entire stinking house. Collapse of exhaustion.

Merry (non) Perfect Christmas!

Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss
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Intermittent Christmas

Posted on November 30, 2016 by Sheila Moss

christmas

The trouble with Christmas is that it just comes around too darn often.  Seems like no time since it was here  and now here it is again.  The decorations barely have time to get dusty before it is time to drag them down from the attic again.  Wouldn’t everybody enjoy celebrating a whole lot more if we could do it less often – say, every other year?

Wouldn’t it be great to have a year off – a year when we didn’t have the pressure and stress of gifts to buy, decorations to put up and money to spend, spend, and spend?  The official line we get is that merchants depend on Christmas spending for a large part of their yearly profit. Without it, they would all go broke. And we buy into this well-contrived merchandizing scheme and rush to join the traffic jam at the mall, as if there is no next year.  A large part of the consumer excessive indebtedness is probably due to over spending for Christmas.

Everybody complains about it – but like the weather and country music, nobody does anything about it. Think how nice it would be to know that we had next season to look forward to instead of a season to hurry up and get through.  I know you’re thinking I have the wrong attitude here.  I need to relax and just back off.  Hard to do when the dang Christmas cards start coming (Was this person on my list?), the office party is announced (Sign up to bring a covered dish.), holiday party invitations come (RSVP please), and commercials on TV urge us to “Buy now!  Get it in time for Christmas!”

With the greed festival beginning three months early the way it does, there is too little time out. Call me a scrooge, but I’ve cut back my celebrating in self-defense.  No more of this deck the halls to the hilt stuff for me. I’ve reevaluated my priorities and decided my sanity is worth more than buying unwanted gifts for similarly pressured other folk.   What happened to Christmas spirit?

Celebrating every second year would be better.  It would give us a breather.  No need to do away with the holiday entirely, just observe it less frequently, that’s all.  There are, of course, other possibilities.  Some advocate returning to the simple celebrations of times past.  Others advocate the giving of homemade gifts.  Still others suggest that we celebrate the religious aspects of the season rather than making it into a commercial buying fest of life changing proportions.

Only the really true scrooges among us say tear the month of December off the calendar and just do away with it entirely.  Once a tradition is established, it seems difficult to regress back to the way things use to be.

I have thought and thought about it. I’m not so anti-Christmas that I want to do away with it, though the temptation to just say “the heck with it” is great.  The intermittent Christmas seems like a perfect solution to me.  Celebrate every two years instead of every year.  We can still have our celebration, but we don’t have to indulge so frequently.

Yes, I think I could learn to live with an intermittent Christmas. Merchants undoubtedly would launch a lobby and protest due to deprivation of profit.  The warm, fuzzy folk will probably rebel and celebrate anyhow like the veterans did when their holiday was changed .

I have re-evaluated my priorities and attempted to simplify my own observation of the holiday.  I really abhor what Christmas has become.  I have tried to make it a season of doing, rather than a season of buying.  Even so, the materialistic expectations of others can be difficult to deal with.

I know it will never happen, the Christmas-less-often idea.  But I can dream, can’t I. And you can be sure of one thing – I won’t be dreaming of a white Christmas…. Except on alternate years, perhaps.

Copyright 1999 Sheila Moss
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Death of an Angel

Posted on November 29, 2016 by Sheila Moss

angel

As I sat staring at the blank computer screen, I wondered what I could write about. It had been a wretched day. It was really hard to think clearly tonight.

In another room of the house, my grandson was playing by the Christmas tree while watching a cartoon special on television with his mother. Suddenly, there was a loud crash and then complete silence. It was too quiet. I forgot about my computer and, tiptoed in to investigate.

My daughter was on the phone, distracted in conversation, when my grandson decided to play with the porcelain Christmas Angel. We don’t know exactly what transpired after that. We do know that the angel failed to survive. She lay broken into pieces on the coffee table, and my three-year old grandson was hiding behind the Christmas tree.

“I sorry gran’ma,” he said, sobbing.

I picked up the broken pieces, hoping it was not as bad as it appeared. It was. The angel was gone. Her music box would never be wound again with loving hands. She would never again tinkle a musical “Silent Night” as she twirled round and round on her pestle. She would never again bring Christmas joy or happy smiles.

The angel lived with us for a lot of years. I’m not even sure how many. I had her when my own children were small. She was unpacked each year at Christmas and carefully put away at the end of the holiday season. My young children delighted in her each holiday season as they held her in their tiny hands and listened to her music play. All through the years, they had always handled her carefully and she had never been broken.

Each year, the Christmas Angel stood on the coffee table in a place of honor, watching over our home. Many times, including this year, I had considered placing her up high where little hands could not reach. “No,” I always reasoned, her purpose is not to go untouched. Her purpose is to play music and bring joy to children at Christmas.

As I held the broken pieces in my hand, I felt strangely calm. In spite of my sentimental attachment, the angel was only a music box, an object. People are what is really important – things are not.

As usual, there were many questions. Why had we not been more attentive? Why had we not put the angel in a safer place? Why did the child decide to play with an object that was supposed to be special? It was difficult seeing it broken.

“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “It was bound to happen sooner or later. It can’t be fixed.”

Broken angels, like broken hearts, are never really mended.

My grandson, still afraid, was peeking out from behind a chair, waiting to see what would happen to him.

“It’s okay, honey – it was an accident.”

I really could not feel any wrath. To break the heart of a child by scolding him for mishap is a far worse thing than a broken Christmas Angel.

My daughter now sits cross-legged in the middle of the floor, still trying to glue the pieces back together. My daughter has not yet learned what I know after so many years. Broken items are never the same again and will only continue to remind us that they have been broken.

There will be another Christmas. A music box can be replaced. But a child only has one heart.

Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss
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Planet Christmas

Posted on November 27, 2016 by Sheila Moss

planetc

“Welcome to Planet Christmas where it is Christmas 365 days a year!”

“Is this for real? How can it be Christmas every day? Everyone knows that Christmas comes only once a year, on December 25th.”

“Not here it doesn’t. We have December 25th on our calendar 365 times.”

“But, what about the other holidays? Don’t you miss having other holidays to celebrate?”

“It happened so gradually that we sort of adjusted to the idea a little at a time. First we started celebrating Christmas on Thanksgiving. Instead of shopping on Black Friday, stores opened on Thanksgiving. Shoppers loved having the extra day and so it soon became traditional.”

“Where I am from, we are beginning to go that way also, but I don’t think we will ever get to the point of celebrating Christmas every day.”

“That’s what we thought too, but it is amazing how quickly traditions can change. Would you care for a cup of eggnog? You don’t have to wait for Christmas as it is already Christmas. People love Christmas. They love giving and receiving gifts. So, why wait? We give gifts every single day of the year.”

“How did it come to this? I mean, we start earlier and earlier every year too. It used to be that shopping started right after Thanksgiving, and then right after Halloween. This year I saw Christmas trees going up in stores at the beginning of October.”

“That is exactly how it happened here. Soon we forgot about October and November completely and the other holidays fell one after another like dominos. Who really cares about other holidays anyhow? They are only something in the way of the big holiday, the one all the kids are waiting for. And if anyone wants turkey and a pumpkin pie, they can have it any day they want.”

“Do you have Christmas trees here?”

“Of course we do! We keep our Christmas tree up perpetually. Some people grow them as potted plants and others have artificial trees. It is so much trouble to decorate a tree, why have it for only a week or two? And the colorful lights are so beautiful. Did you notice all the lights? You can’t really miss them. We never take our decorations down.”

“Well, this is all very strange to me. Don’t people get tired of it? What do you do on REAL Christmas?”

“Which ‘REAL’ Christmas are you referring to? They are all real here.”

“But don’t your merchants count on the Christmas season to put them in the black?”

“Are you kidding? Imagine, only one shopping day before Christmas every single day. They love it!”

“So you shop every single day, or what?”

“At first people were not sure which Christmas to spend their savings on or when go into credit card debt. But now instead of buying other things, we buy only gifts: White Christmas gifts in January, chocolate Christmas gifts in February, clothing Christmas gifts in the spring, Christmas wedding gifts, Christmas gift vacations, Christmas back to school gifts, Christmas birthday gifts, and Christmas gift cards if you run out of ideas. It all works out.”

“So, it was the commercialization of the season that caused people to start celebrating earlier and earlier?”

“I wouldn’t blame businesses entirely. After all, if people didn’t come to pre-season Christmas sales, they would not continue to have them. By the way, what would you like for Christmas? I’ve got to do some last minute shopping so I will be ready for Christmas tomorrow and there is an after-Christmas sale at Macy’s today.”

“I think I must be dreaming.”

“That’s what we thought too, but dreams can become realities – unless you wake up.”

“Have a Merry Christmas!”

Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss

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Life’s Little Lessons about Christmas

Posted on November 26, 2016 by Sheila Moss

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  • Walmart is the gift shop of last resort for the entire the population of the U.S.
  • Christmas spirit is a mania created by commercial advertisers during October.
  • It’s the gift that counts – disregard any information to the contrary.
  • Christmas is not for children, it’s to give teachers some time off.
  • Never buy a live Christmas tree unless you are a cat.
  • Fashion experts say sweaters with Santa and holly are cheesy –  which shows what a bunch of scrooges they are.
  • The best things in life are free – but department stores didn’t get the memo.
  • Christmas gift bags and tissue paper are the best invention since peppermint candy.
  • Snow is best when left outside, but preferably not on the driveway.
  • The best time to shop for decorations is after Christmas, but who wants them then?
  • Regardless of what toy you want, the next shipment will not be until January.
  • Give children plastic gift cards and see how carefully they spend their own money.
  • There is always room for another stuffed animal – at least in a grandparent’s opinion.
  • Regardless of the number of parking places, they will all be taken when you get there.
  • Santa Claus really doesn’t care whether you are naughty or nice.  He has other things to worry about.
  • You always get Christmas cards from the people that you didn’t send one to.
  • There is no problem too great for a solution; however, there are many gifts too large for gift boxes.
  • Other people’s gifts to you always seem much nicer than what you gave them – and vice versa.
  • Silent night is something that happens on Christmas Eve to other people’s children.
  • Children’s TV specials are like Santa, on perpetual rerun year after year.
  • White Christmas is a phenomena invented by songwriters to make songs nostalgic.
  • There is no such thing as a perfect Christmas, especially if you forgot the batteries.
  • Contrary to popular opinion, North Pole is in Oklahoma, Santa Claus is in Indiana, and Christmas is in Florida. Depressing, isn’t it?
 Copyright 2002 Sheila Moss
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