A Christmas Weather Forecast

Posted on December 8, 2016 by Sheila Moss

urbansnow

The following is a Special Weather Statement issued for the Christmas Holiday Season:

December is expected to bring above normal levels of stress in both northern and southern areas of the country. Shoppers are expected to move into the region around  malls starting on the Friday after Thanksgiving. Mild temperatures are expected to rise as the excitement begins and shoppers rush to look for bargains and gifts for the seasonal celebration.

Economic slowdown has caused a stagnation of the air around shopping centers, and prices are expected to be several degrees below the norm for last year. Experts are hopeful that the unseasonably low prices will create an atmosphere of spending. Look for especially heavy activity on the parking lots where severe temper flare-ups have occurred in past years from shortage of parking places.

Expect the normal seasonal display of decorations, which will continue throughout the holiday season. Many areas have reported localized heavy ornament displays beginning as early as October of this year. Except for a few low lying areas, lights and holiday greenery will be displayed over most of the country, with icicles and snowmen expected even in areas where temperatures are normally mild.

The wind will be blowing out of the north, bringing with it a 50 percent chance of Christmas music. Light snow is possible, but it is too early for a definite prediction at this time. It is never, however, too early to wish. A special advisory is issued to build a fire in the fireplace and drink eggnog or hot apple cider to ward off cold winter chills.

Radar indicates that Santa will arrive as expected, making it around the world in only one night in spite of fog, sleet or snow. Children may rest assure that no snow is necessary for Santa and his reindeer to make deliveries to rooftops far and wide. Tots everywhere are anticipating his coming with flurries of activity, changing into blizzards of excitement as Christmas Day gets closer.

Gifts will be wrapped in seasonal holiday paper and ribbon, especially in mid to late December. Christmas trees are expected to materialize prior to Christmas Day and have been appearing commercially for a prolonged period of time throughout the vicinity. A warm front of Christmas spirit is moving in at 20 M.P.H. and is expected to bring love, generosity and cheer throughout the area.

Watch for earlier than normal wakeup hours on Christmas Day as children arise to open their gifts. A storm of high consumption may occur later in the day as a wave of heat and humidity moves from the kitchen into the dining room where turkey or ham and other Christmas goodies are being served. Severe overeating should taper off as the day progresses, turning into milder indulgences by early evening.

Drought may occur shortly after the Christmas season as the warm fuzzy holiday spirit moves out and a weak cold front moves in preceding the arrival of the January bills. Be prepared for a freeze as reality sets in. Chilly weather may continue through February, but the celebration of Christmas is expected to go on for many seasons to come.

Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss
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Letter to Santa

Posted on December 6, 2016 by Sheila Moss

santa.jpgDear Santa,

Guess you thought I was not going to write this year? (Ha, ha, gotcha!) I just want to let you know that I’m still around. What I want for Christmas is a new Apple iPad. What else is there to want – that will fit under a Christmas tree, I mean?

It is suppose to be cool to ask for stuff for others, stuff like Peace on Earth. People keep asking, but we never seem to get it, so we might as well scratch it off the list. It is too bad that a simple thing like peace has to be so tangled up in politics.

Not only can the nations of the world not get along, but even the Republicans and Democrats can’t seem to agree. I’ve about had it will all of them. Maybe you could bring us a different Congress, one with some sense, if there is such a thing.

Some people just dream of a White Christmas. That seems simple, but I’m not sure if weather is your department. You will probably want to pass this request along to Old Man Winter or Mother Nature and let them make the decision. If this global warming thing continues, we will soon not have snow anywhere, except for the places they create it artificially so people can ski.

I read in the paper that a lot of kids are not getting anything at all. Some parents are out of work. Jobs, Santa, More jobs! Sprinkle a few of those around wherever they are needed. And may I remind you that android tablets are on sale, so take care of those kids and don’t let them go without a Christmas.

There are always disaster victims, like the sad families whose children were killed in earthquakes. If you could bring them a bit of joy and a smile or two to help, I know they would appreciate it. As for the wildfire victims, I have no idea what they need – everything, I guess. I would say donate some money to the Red Cross and let them figure it out. They are good with disaster recovery.

Let me see, that is peace, poverty, politics and disaster. Sounds like a pretty big list for a person who only wanted an iPad. I should probably be sending this list to God instead of you. We can’t expect Santa to do the impossible. Just because you can make reindeer fly, doesn’t mean you have answers for everything and can make social problems magically go away.

I’m afraid people are the ones who made these problems and people are the ones who have to resolve them. I think we need to worry more about giving than getting. One person can’t do much, but if everyone did a little, we could accomplish a great deal.

Thanks, Santa, for helping me sort all of this out. Maybe you are a smarter old elf than I thought you were. Goodbye until next year, Santa. I have to write a check to the Red Cross and take some toys to the Salvation Army.

Oh, by the way, I was just kidding about the iPad. Please don’t bring me anything. I have everything I need.

Merry Christmas!

Copyright 2002 Sheila Moss

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Merry Perfect Christmas

Posted on December 4, 2016 by Sheila Moss
bells.jpgDecember 1

Christmas is coming! I’m excited! I can hardly wait to get started with the decorating! I wonder if we will have a White Christmas this year? Wouldn’t that be great?

December 7

Put up the Christmas tree. Get out the ornaments out of storage. Each one has a special memory. Decorating the tree is so much fun! And doesn’t the tree look beautiful with all the shiny decorations and lights?

December 10

Go shopping for gifts. The mall is decorated with greenery and lights. Crowds of people are all shopping for special gifts. Christmas music is playing. I’m really starting to get into the spirit of Christmas.

December 13

I don’t remember wrapping gifts being this much work last year. Maybe I should have remembered to buy boxes. But the wrapped presents do look festive with the holiday paper and bows.

December 15

Go back to the mall – I didn’t get half of what I needed. I can’t find a parking place and have to walk a mile in the cold. I wish they would turn that confounded canned holiday music down. It’s getting on my nerves. And why is everything so expensive?

December 19

Visit the toy store. There seems to be no such thing as buying the toy you want. The manufacture didn’t make enough to meet the demand. The toy I want sold out in October. They are really sorry and will have a new shipment in on December 26th. Where’s Santa when you really need him?

December 21

Attend the annual office party. Make small talk, overeat, and try not to talk about business. Don’t drink too much in front of business associates. Why do we have to have business parties? I’m sick of these people; I see them every day. I’d rather be at home sleeping!

December 22
Snow! Oh, no! Why does it have to snow? I’ll never get my shopping done with that slop outside on the roads. It’s just one more thing to aggravate me. Who wants a White Christmas anyhow?
.
December 23

The relatives are coming to my place. I gotta cook a turkey, or something. Can’t we just make it a potluck? How about Christmas lasagna? Hope they don’t get bombed on the fruitcake this year.

December 24

Why did I wait until the last minute again? I’ll just run to the local discount store and pick up those last minute gifts. Buy anything, anything! What does it matter? They will return it after Christmas anyhow.

December 25

Christmas is here at last! Santa came; the gifts are under the tree; the snow is glistening outside; the turkey is in the oven. It’s a perfect Christmas! And best of all, it’s almost over till next year – thank God!

December 26

Go return all the gifts I received – nothing fits. Now take down the blankety-blank tree. Pack the stupid decorations in a box. Throw in the confounded lights. Drag the whole mess back upstairs to the attic. Burn the boxes and paper in the fireplace. Clean the entire stinking house. Collapse of exhaustion.

Merry (non) Perfect Christmas!

Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss
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Intermittent Christmas

Posted on November 30, 2016 by Sheila Moss

christmas

The trouble with Christmas is that it just comes around too darn often.  Seems like no time since it was here  and now here it is again.  The decorations barely have time to get dusty before it is time to drag them down from the attic again.  Wouldn’t everybody enjoy celebrating a whole lot more if we could do it less often – say, every other year?

Wouldn’t it be great to have a year off – a year when we didn’t have the pressure and stress of gifts to buy, decorations to put up and money to spend, spend, and spend?  The official line we get is that merchants depend on Christmas spending for a large part of their yearly profit. Without it, they would all go broke. And we buy into this well-contrived merchandizing scheme and rush to join the traffic jam at the mall, as if there is no next year.  A large part of the consumer excessive indebtedness is probably due to over spending for Christmas.

Everybody complains about it – but like the weather and country music, nobody does anything about it. Think how nice it would be to know that we had next season to look forward to instead of a season to hurry up and get through.  I know you’re thinking I have the wrong attitude here.  I need to relax and just back off.  Hard to do when the dang Christmas cards start coming (Was this person on my list?), the office party is announced (Sign up to bring a covered dish.), holiday party invitations come (RSVP please), and commercials on TV urge us to “Buy now!  Get it in time for Christmas!”

With the greed festival beginning three months early the way it does, there is too little time out. Call me a scrooge, but I’ve cut back my celebrating in self-defense.  No more of this deck the halls to the hilt stuff for me. I’ve reevaluated my priorities and decided my sanity is worth more than buying unwanted gifts for similarly pressured other folk.   What happened to Christmas spirit?

Celebrating every second year would be better.  It would give us a breather.  No need to do away with the holiday entirely, just observe it less frequently, that’s all.  There are, of course, other possibilities.  Some advocate returning to the simple celebrations of times past.  Others advocate the giving of homemade gifts.  Still others suggest that we celebrate the religious aspects of the season rather than making it into a commercial buying fest of life changing proportions.

Only the really true scrooges among us say tear the month of December off the calendar and just do away with it entirely.  Once a tradition is established, it seems difficult to regress back to the way things use to be.

I have thought and thought about it. I’m not so anti-Christmas that I want to do away with it, though the temptation to just say “the heck with it” is great.  The intermittent Christmas seems like a perfect solution to me.  Celebrate every two years instead of every year.  We can still have our celebration, but we don’t have to indulge so frequently.

Yes, I think I could learn to live with an intermittent Christmas. Merchants undoubtedly would launch a lobby and protest due to deprivation of profit.  The warm, fuzzy folk will probably rebel and celebrate anyhow like the veterans did when their holiday was changed .

I have re-evaluated my priorities and attempted to simplify my own observation of the holiday.  I really abhor what Christmas has become.  I have tried to make it a season of doing, rather than a season of buying.  Even so, the materialistic expectations of others can be difficult to deal with.

I know it will never happen, the Christmas-less-often idea.  But I can dream, can’t I. And you can be sure of one thing – I won’t be dreaming of a white Christmas…. Except on alternate years, perhaps.

Copyright 1999 Sheila Moss
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Death of an Angel

Posted on November 29, 2016 by Sheila Moss

angel

As I sat staring at the blank computer screen, I wondered what I could write about. It had been a wretched day. It was really hard to think clearly tonight.

In another room of the house, my grandson was playing by the Christmas tree while watching a cartoon special on television with his mother. Suddenly, there was a loud crash and then complete silence. It was too quiet. I forgot about my computer and, tiptoed in to investigate.

My daughter was on the phone, distracted in conversation, when my grandson decided to play with the porcelain Christmas Angel. We don’t know exactly what transpired after that. We do know that the angel failed to survive. She lay broken into pieces on the coffee table, and my three-year old grandson was hiding behind the Christmas tree.

“I sorry gran’ma,” he said, sobbing.

I picked up the broken pieces, hoping it was not as bad as it appeared. It was. The angel was gone. Her music box would never be wound again with loving hands. She would never again tinkle a musical “Silent Night” as she twirled round and round on her pestle. She would never again bring Christmas joy or happy smiles.

The angel lived with us for a lot of years. I’m not even sure how many. I had her when my own children were small. She was unpacked each year at Christmas and carefully put away at the end of the holiday season. My young children delighted in her each holiday season as they held her in their tiny hands and listened to her music play. All through the years, they had always handled her carefully and she had never been broken.

Each year, the Christmas Angel stood on the coffee table in a place of honor, watching over our home. Many times, including this year, I had considered placing her up high where little hands could not reach. “No,” I always reasoned, her purpose is not to go untouched. Her purpose is to play music and bring joy to children at Christmas.

As I held the broken pieces in my hand, I felt strangely calm. In spite of my sentimental attachment, the angel was only a music box, an object. People are what is really important – things are not.

As usual, there were many questions. Why had we not been more attentive? Why had we not put the angel in a safer place? Why did the child decide to play with an object that was supposed to be special? It was difficult seeing it broken.

“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “It was bound to happen sooner or later. It can’t be fixed.”

Broken angels, like broken hearts, are never really mended.

My grandson, still afraid, was peeking out from behind a chair, waiting to see what would happen to him.

“It’s okay, honey – it was an accident.”

I really could not feel any wrath. To break the heart of a child by scolding him for mishap is a far worse thing than a broken Christmas Angel.

My daughter now sits cross-legged in the middle of the floor, still trying to glue the pieces back together. My daughter has not yet learned what I know after so many years. Broken items are never the same again and will only continue to remind us that they have been broken.

There will be another Christmas. A music box can be replaced. But a child only has one heart.

Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss
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Planet Christmas

Posted on November 27, 2016 by Sheila Moss

planetc

“Welcome to Planet Christmas where it is Christmas 365 days a year!”

“Is this for real? How can it be Christmas every day? Everyone knows that Christmas comes only once a year, on December 25th.”

“Not here it doesn’t. We have December 25th on our calendar 365 times.”

“But, what about the other holidays? Don’t you miss having other holidays to celebrate?”

“It happened so gradually that we sort of adjusted to the idea a little at a time. First we started celebrating Christmas on Thanksgiving. Instead of shopping on Black Friday, stores opened on Thanksgiving. Shoppers loved having the extra day and so it soon became traditional.”

“Where I am from, we are beginning to go that way also, but I don’t think we will ever get to the point of celebrating Christmas every day.”

“That’s what we thought too, but it is amazing how quickly traditions can change. Would you care for a cup of eggnog? You don’t have to wait for Christmas as it is already Christmas. People love Christmas. They love giving and receiving gifts. So, why wait? We give gifts every single day of the year.”

“How did it come to this? I mean, we start earlier and earlier every year too. It used to be that shopping started right after Thanksgiving, and then right after Halloween. This year I saw Christmas trees going up in stores at the beginning of October.”

“That is exactly how it happened here. Soon we forgot about October and November completely and the other holidays fell one after another like dominos. Who really cares about other holidays anyhow? They are only something in the way of the big holiday, the one all the kids are waiting for. And if anyone wants turkey and a pumpkin pie, they can have it any day they want.”

“Do you have Christmas trees here?”

“Of course we do! We keep our Christmas tree up perpetually. Some people grow them as potted plants and others have artificial trees. It is so much trouble to decorate a tree, why have it for only a week or two? And the colorful lights are so beautiful. Did you notice all the lights? You can’t really miss them. We never take our decorations down.”

“Well, this is all very strange to me. Don’t people get tired of it? What do you do on REAL Christmas?”

“Which ‘REAL’ Christmas are you referring to? They are all real here.”

“But don’t your merchants count on the Christmas season to put them in the black?”

“Are you kidding? Imagine, only one shopping day before Christmas every single day. They love it!”

“So you shop every single day, or what?”

“At first people were not sure which Christmas to spend their savings on or when go into credit card debt. But now instead of buying other things, we buy only gifts: White Christmas gifts in January, chocolate Christmas gifts in February, clothing Christmas gifts in the spring, Christmas wedding gifts, Christmas gift vacations, Christmas back to school gifts, Christmas birthday gifts, and Christmas gift cards if you run out of ideas. It all works out.”

“So, it was the commercialization of the season that caused people to start celebrating earlier and earlier?”

“I wouldn’t blame businesses entirely. After all, if people didn’t come to pre-season Christmas sales, they would not continue to have them. By the way, what would you like for Christmas? I’ve got to do some last minute shopping so I will be ready for Christmas tomorrow and there is an after-Christmas sale at Macy’s today.”

“I think I must be dreaming.”

“That’s what we thought too, but dreams can become realities – unless you wake up.”

“Have a Merry Christmas!”

Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss

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Life’s Little Lessons about Christmas

Posted on November 26, 2016 by Sheila Moss

deer

  • Walmart is the gift shop of last resort for the entire the population of the U.S.
  • Christmas spirit is a mania created by commercial advertisers during October.
  • It’s the gift that counts – disregard any information to the contrary.
  • Christmas is not for children, it’s to give teachers some time off.
  • Never buy a live Christmas tree unless you are a cat.
  • Fashion experts say sweaters with Santa and holly are cheesy –  which shows what a bunch of scrooges they are.
  • The best things in life are free – but department stores didn’t get the memo.
  • Christmas gift bags and tissue paper are the best invention since peppermint candy.
  • Snow is best when left outside, but preferably not on the driveway.
  • The best time to shop for decorations is after Christmas, but who wants them then?
  • Regardless of what toy you want, the next shipment will not be until January.
  • Give children plastic gift cards and see how carefully they spend their own money.
  • There is always room for another stuffed animal – at least in a grandparent’s opinion.
  • Regardless of the number of parking places, they will all be taken when you get there.
  • Santa Claus really doesn’t care whether you are naughty or nice.  He has other things to worry about.
  • You always get Christmas cards from the people that you didn’t send one to.
  • There is no problem too great for a solution; however, there are many gifts too large for gift boxes.
  • Other people’s gifts to you always seem much nicer than what you gave them – and vice versa.
  • Silent night is something that happens on Christmas Eve to other people’s children.
  • Children’s TV specials are like Santa, on perpetual rerun year after year.
  • White Christmas is a phenomena invented by songwriters to make songs nostalgic.
  • There is no such thing as a perfect Christmas, especially if you forgot the batteries.
  • Contrary to popular opinion, North Pole is in Oklahoma, Santa Claus is in Indiana, and Christmas is in Florida. Depressing, isn’t it?
 Copyright 2002 Sheila Moss
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Black Friday – In More Ways than One

Posted on November 25, 2016 by Sheila Moss

mall

Is it over yet? Is it safe to go out? I’m talking about Black Friday, of course, what did you think? On Thursday we are thankful for our blessings. On Friday we are thankful for bargains.

I’m sure you saw the ads for all the things that will be on sale: 40 inch flat-screens for $200, X-Boxes and iPods at ridiculously low prices. No, of course, I don’t need any of that stuff. I don’t even know what half of the electronics they advertise are. But what does that matter? Get out the credit cards. Buy now and pay later.

Most places are opening earlier than ever, some on Thanksgiving. I didn’t want to take any chances so I’ve been in line since last Monday. At least it seems like that. I considered bringing a tent, but I didn’t want to be mistaken for a protester. I would miss out on all the sales.

On Black Friday, capitalism rules. Greed is king. Consume, consume, consume, whether you need any more stuff or not. It’s the patriotic things to do. Support our merchants; keep Walmart and Target profitable. Keep Best Buy from going under. Don’t worry about who will keep you from going under.

I had my strategy planned. I made a test run the week before, routing out the path to the items I wanted most. I had on my running shoes and my sweatpants. I even had a parka in case of rain. I was ready to bargain shop.

This time I will stay out of the way of runaway shopping carts pushed by bargain-crazed housewives. I remember what happened the year my foot was run over. The shopper didn’t even bother to stop and check out the damage. My foot was blue for a week. So, what did I learn from that, you ask? I learned not to shop at places that have carts.

Everyone was waiting for the doors to open so we could charge. I was at the front of the line waiting for the doors to be unlocked at midnight. I still don’t know what happened. All I remember is dreaming I was trampled by a herd of elephants.

After I was done at the ER, it was too late to shop. But the stores open at 7:00 on Saturday. I’ve still got 15 percent off coupons and plan to buy as much as I can so I will save more money. I think I can get around well enough on my crutches.

Spending money is the best way to help the economy isn’t it? That’s what they keep telling us anyhow. I’m not worried about the economy getting worse next year. But in case it does, I want to get plenty of stuff now while I can.

Cyber Monday is coming and I can look online for all the stuff I didn’t get this weekend. Shopping online is not as exciting, but you can look for exactly what you need without being distracting by all the other stuff you want.

If have any credit left on my credit card, I will go back after Christmas and get all the stuff I found that I wanted for myself when I was buying gifts for other people. Everything will be on sale. I can return the things people got for me that I don’t want and spend any gift cards I have before they expire.

Now that I think of it, gift cards are not a bad idea. Maybe I will get gift cards next time and save all the gas, time, anxiety and energy of shopping. Oh, well, if they don’t like what I bought, they can take it back after Christmas and get something else.

When I see all the bargains, I can’t help myself. Only 30 days to shop between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Copyright 2011 Sheila Moss

 

PS: In case you were wondering, yes, this is satire. I may be crazy, but not this crazy.

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The Fried Turkey Tale

Posted on November 23, 2016 by Sheila Moss

grill

Dear Mom,

I hope you and dad are having a Happy Thanksgiving.  This year we decided to do something a bit different and fry our turkey whole.  I am in a newsgroup on the Internet that could not say enough about how great they taste fried.  I even got a recipe from one of the members.  It went something like this:

1 turkey plucked and gutted (Leave feet for holding turkey)
5 gal. bucket peanut oil
Extra large deep fryer heated to 500 degrees

That didn’t sound too complicated, and even though I’ve had several kitchen disasters in the past, I thought this would be a festive way to celebrate Thanksgiving.  Besides, we could do the deed outside on our wooden deck to avoid making a big mess in the kitchen.  What could go wrong?

I couldn’t find a turkey with feet at the grocery store. The butcher thought I was crazy and suggested I try one of the nice frozen ones that was on sale. I figured a meat man should know, so I got one. Have you ever tried to thaw out a frozen turkey? It’s a weeklong job. I figured the hot grease would do the trick anyhow, so why worry.

Have you priced peanut oil lately? I decided some of the other stuff would work just as good. After all, cooking oil is cooking oil. I managed to get the oil in the pot just fine.  Heating it was a bit tricky as it kept smoking and bubbling. But since we were outside, I thought the smoke wouldn’t hurt anything.

Now this is the part you won’t believe! I threw that sucker in the pot and when the thing thawed out, the oil boiled over on the wooden deck and caught the deck on fire.  We got the garden hose to put it out. Who would know not to put water on a grease fire?

It didn’t really matter anyhow. In all the excitement I forgot to watch the cooking thermometer and the grease must have become too hot. I was inside the house looking for the fire extinguisher when I heard the explosion. Have you ever seen a mushroom cloud?  It was incredible!

After the fire department left, we decided to eat dinner out next year. Not only was our Thanksgiving dinner ruined, but the deck burned down and took half the garage with it. The dog will be just fine when his fur grows back. We’ve always wanted a Hairless Chihuahua anyhow.

The fire department told us they make a lot of house calls about this time of the year from people frying turkeys who don’t know what they are doing. Like, is it my fault that the grease was cheap and the stupid turkey wouldn’t thaw out? They need to put consumer-warning labels on turkeys.

Speaking of the turkey, we are still looking for it. I think it may have blown to bits as we’ve looked all over the neighborhood. If you see a turkey shaped cloud of ash circling the earth, that’s probably it.

By the way, you may see us on the evening news on TV. A lot of people thought it was a terrorist attack. I only hope we have not been reported to the FBI.

Anyhow, I just want to let you know that we are all fine. I don’t think the house will be fixed for a while since there is a lot of smoke damage. We are moving to a motel. Do you think we could come to your house for Christmas this year?

You were not planning on frying a turkey, were you?

Copyright 2004 Sheila Moss
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Plan Ahead for a Smooth Turkey Day

Posted on November 21, 2016 by Sheila Moss

thanksgiving-turkey-dinner

I saw an article somewhere with a lot of suggestions about how to plan ahead for Thanksgiving to make things go smoothly . It seemed like a great idea,
but the following is about how my planning ahead usually goes.


Day 1 – I think I’ll have everyone to my house for Thanksgiving this year. It will be fun to have the family all together! I have nearly two weeks to make plans, so I’ll get everything ready ahead of time.

Day 2 – Call and invite everyone and ask him or her to bring a dish. Mom will bring green beans, but is it okay if she just brings them in the can? Sis is on a diet and can only eat lettuce. Daughter will bring dessert since pumpkin pies are on sale at Kroger’s. Daughter #2 will bring a can of cranberry sauce. Son will be eating with his wife’s family first. Don’t wait dinner.

Day 3 – Where is the turkey roaster? I know I used to have one. I can’t find the meat thermometer either. How do you cook a turkey anyhow? It’s been so long I don’t remember. Do they come with directions? Good thing I’m planning ahead.

Day 4 – Make up grocery list. Rob a bank and then go buy everything I will need.

Day 5– Take turkey out of freezer and start letting it thaw. Only one week left until the big day!

Day 6 – Plan ahead for using leftovers. I’ll probably be stuck with 20 pounds of cold turkey. Try to find recipes for turkey hash, turkey potpie, turkey sandwiches, turkey soup, turkey salad, and turkey casserole.

Day 7 – Drag out all the good china that is packed away and wash it. Polish the tarnished silver. Maybe we could just use paper plates and napkins with a nice picture of a turkey next time?

Day 8 – Pumpkin-scented candles will make a nice centerpiece for the table as long we don’t forgot to blow them out and burn the house down like Aunt Maxine did a few years ago.

Day 9 – Do I have enough extra chairs? Oh, my, gosh! Let’s see, I can use the ones from the card table, the typing chair with wheels from the computer desk, the rocking chair from the bedroom, and the small stepladder from the garage if worse comes to worse.

Day 10 – Continue looking for stupid recipe book with sweet potato recipe and how-to-cook-a-turkey directions. Clean out kitchen cabinets and drawers. Finally find recipe book behind the pots. Oh, well, the cabinets needed cleaning anyhow.

Day 11 – Pray that glass dish with sweet potato casserole does not crack in oven after being in refrigerator all night. It was the only one I had that was big enough.

Day 12 – Thanksgiving – PANIC! Turkey is still frozen. Cook it with paper & giblets inside because they won’t come out. Fix instant stuffing from a box — no one will know.

Guests arrive and offer to help — after everything is done. The men only want to watch football on TV. The turkey sticks to the bottom of pan and won’t come out. The kids chase the cat and it jumps on table. Everyone fills up on the cheese ball and crackers and isn’t hungry.

Everything is ready to serve, but no one will come to table until the football game is over.

They finally eat, brag about how good the dressing is, and suggest that we do it again at Christmas.

I’ve started a holiday tradition.?

After I recover from my heart attack and restart my heart, I suggest that we
alternate houses and I offer to bring dessert. No one says anything.

After they leave, I put the battery back in the smoke alarm and feel thankful. No, not because it is Thanksgiving. I’m thankful because they are all gone, the potato casserole didn’t crack, I only have 10 pounds of leftover turkey, the football game is over, and I remembered to blow out the candles.

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss
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